


Emotional Journey

by Chaotic_heart



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Balin is awesome, Durin Family, Durin Feels, Durincest, Explicit eventually, Fili is not happy, Fluffy in spots, Kissing, M/M, Minor Violence, Responsible Fíli, Stubborn Thorin, aggressive kili, cursing & kissing dwarfs, dwarfcest, no Kilis were harmed in this fic -not really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-13
Updated: 2014-03-09
Packaged: 2017-12-08 09:54:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 65,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/760030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaotic_heart/pseuds/Chaotic_heart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin's company is ready to start their journey to Erebor, but there is tension amongst the dwarves. Fili is trying to do what he does best; keep things balanced and calm while inside he's splitting apart. Thorin's reaction to seeing him again is exactly what he'd been fearing, and should his uncle's stubbornness overrule his heart, Fili's not sure what will become of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bag End & the beginning of the journey

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at Fili/Thorin and far more angsty and emotional than I had intended. Guess we'll see how it goes. It was written for my Hurt/Comfort prompt table with the prompt EMOTION, so hopefully I at least got that part right.
> 
> I'm still new to the fandom so comments and kudos are love.

Fili spent the first half of their journey to Bag End trying to keep Kili moving forward when he insisted on stopping to touch, smell, and examine every form of animal, fowl or fauna in their path. He was relentless in his passion and exuberance, something Fili had always envied in him and made him proud to be his brother. Kili was fearless, unassuming, naive at times and blunt as the dullest knife in the forge. His heart was also as big as any mountain, and Fili adored him. He was Fili's other half, the dark to Fili's light, the spark to Fili's calm, but his excessive curiosity was certainly an encumbrance when they were supposed to be getting from one point to the next.

The second half of their travels saw Fili trying to tamp down the overwhelming excitement and relentless chatter Kili forced upon him as they neared their destination. Truth be told, Fili was secretly relieved for the distraction that was, and had always been, his little brother. His own nerves were threatening to revolt, so close to burrowing through his skin to see the light, to wreak havoc on his outsides as they did his insides, that Fili wasn't sure he wouldn't just tumble to the ground in a writhing mass of anxiety. 

Kili kept his mind occupied so he didn't have to consider the steely, on-edge anticipation that was about so much more than their uncle's quest. It was an important task, to say the least, but in Fili's thoughts it came a struggling second to seeing Thorin again.

He felt foolish in thought and clumsy in action as they finally found their way into Hobbiton in search of the mysterious mark on one of the hobbits' doors. Kili bounced on ahead, stumbling here and there in the darkness while Fili sought to keep his own excitement and worries compressed. Kili found the door first, not even bothering to open the tiny white gate but vaulting its height instead while barely managing to avoid trampling an entire row of flowers. It was not the way Fili had intended their arrival to be. 

Fili hissed out a warning, summoning Kili to his side with a well-practiced furl of his lip and quirk of his eyebrow. "Relax, brother," he spoke softly while they paused outside the green door. "You'll want to make a good impression, won't you? Remember, we're among the youngest to be present, and we don't want to cause Uncle any undue shame or embarrassment."

Kili groaned and Fili was sure he was close to stomping his feet as he'd done so often as a young dwarfling when he didn't get his way or life just moved too slow for him. He grinned when Kili finally leaned in for a brief but desperate hug, then let out a big whoosh of breath. 

"All right. I'm ready." 

When they rang the bell, Kili's face was stone cold sober and Fili barely smothered a smirk at the ridiculous seriousness of his little brother's usual carefree demeanor. He supposed it was a sign of maturity on Kili's part but also an act of solidarity with Fili in order to make Thorin proud. It was also important to Fili to find some respectability amongst the group of dwarves who were mostly far older and experienced. 

Of course, their mature respectability went straight out the window when Kili called the hobbit the wrong name. Fili held back from smacking him on the forehead. Despite their shaky arrival and the confusion of whether _it_ had been cancelled or not, they somehow still managed to forcefully—Kili's doing—push past the hobbit who did not appear the least bit happy to see them. 

Fili reached deep within himself for courage to bypass the giant butterflies flapping in his belly as he strolled through the door with his usual façade of arrogance and calm. He shoved his knives at the hobbit, barking instructions he couldn't even remember twenty heartbeats later, but nonetheless thought were necessary to show some sort of status with the stranger. 

Dwalin and Balin were surprisingly the first to arrive, and after disrespecting the hobbit's _glory box_ Kili quickly rushed to his hero's side. Whereas Fili had always had a single dwarf he'd emulated for his entire life, Kili's allegiances rocked back and forth from one hero to the next—with the exception of Thorin, of course—but Dwalin had always been one of his favorites. Fili slipped into the dining room behind his brother, smiling his pleasantries then helping to move tables and more importantly, to crack open a new barrel of ale.

It didn't take long for Kili to drag Fili into the dwarf festivities, and he found himself involuntarily lowering his anxious, protective guard and participating in the fun. He'd even gone as far as singing and misbehaving with his brother—he loved to sing and rarely indulged himself anymore because of a skewed sense of responsibility. 

Being heir apparent had weighed heavily on Fili's shoulders ever since Thorin had started his plan to reclaim Erebor. And though it wasn't as if he was being groomed as Thorin's second yet, Fili dreamed of ruling beside him, with him, and it was high time he started gaining his own respectability.

Still it had been a relief to allow himself the freedom of just letting go for even a moment, especially since he'd felt so pent-up and impatient with himself and the thoughts that had roved his mind since they started their journey. Anticipatory worry and stress had kept him awake for the last few nights, and he was positive he was running on adrenaline alone. Yet he felt no weariness as he recklessly stomped across the table handing out ale to his fellow dwarves—and deliberately ignoring the ever-present _responsibility_ chant in his head.

He was disappointed when Thorin hadn't joined the party when they all sat down to eat, but he held his letdown close to his chest and proceeded to partake in the frivolity. He suffered a mixed bag of confused feelings really. He wanted to get his meeting with Thorin over with quickly so his nerves could settle back under his skin and he could focus on the journey's beginning. But there was also a spiral of dread coiled tightly in his gut and he worried something would go wrong. He supposed he had more time to prepare himself within the environment of the hobbit house before Thorin appeared and the real meeting began but it did little to console him.

Fili took in each member of Thorin's company as they sat and regaled each other with tales at the dining room table. They were a ragtag bunch of dwarves, many of whom Fili and Kili have never met before that very day, but as it was with most dealings of his kind, they were an easy lot to relax with and simply enjoy. He tried hard to follow the various conversations and goings-on, while the thrill and opposing dread of Thorin's expected arrival still burned a hole in his gut. When the final knock on the door alerted the company to their leader's arrival, Fili's heart pounded loudly in his ears and he felt almost lightheaded in his excitement. 

Nevertheless, he hung back, as was his usual practice, one eye on Kili at all times despite the warm friendliness of those around them. Kili, of course, rushed to greet Thorin, and the sweet smile their uncle graced on his brother sent an unusual streak of green envy straight to Fili's heart. It was silly to feel such a thing when Thorin had always been a big part of both their lives, and whether Fili's heart was fulfilled in the end or not, always would be. 

Thorin handed his cloak to Kili as he concentrated on his first words with Mr. Baggins. Fili quickly scurried up behind Kili to take it from his arms, carrying it as if it was precious cargo down the hobbit's hallway. He left Thorin's enthralling presence long enough to deposit the cloak safely in a corner of the great room, but not before he thumbed slowly across the collar and allowed himself to breathe in Thorin's scents which mingled on the fabric. 

He returned to find Thorin and the others gathered around the dining room table. His gaze casually slipped to Thorin as he wiggled and squeezed himself to the back of the table where Kili has saved him a chair. But Thorin hadn't paid him any heed, his focus on a bowl of soup in front of him and the soft murmurs of Gandalf who hovered close at his side. Fili's spirits plummeted with his uncle's lack of attention, but he quickly chastised himself for putting so much emphasis on himself when there were far bigger things to be discussed and attended to.

Fili's attempt to contribute to the conversation went over well the first time, his voice strong and his heart true as he slapped his hand on the table.

_"We may be few in numbers. But we're fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf."_

He'd immediately looked to Thorin for a reaction to what he'd thought had been a firm show of solidarity and powerful statement to his commitment. There'd been none, and Fili's next announcement— _"If there is a key, there must be a door"_ sounded like nothing more than musings of a foolish dwarfling than the revelations of an heir apparent. Kili had quickly piped up with his own observation, and to Fili's silent delight, it was more juvenile than what Fili had offered. 

He gazed adoringly at his brother for a moment, knowing with no doubt that Kili's over-shadowing presence was often a mixed blessing. Kili was endearing to a fault, and Fili wouldn't have wished for any other dwarf to hold such an important role in his life. He wondered if that statement would always remain true. They would both—Aule willing—eventually find their Ones, but Fili hoped Kili would always be no more than a room away in his life, or a single royal wing away in the very least.

When he dragged his focus from Kili's joyous face, Fili was certain he caught the blink of Thorin's eyes in his direction. The king quickly looked away, but the glance displayed an unpleasant shadow on Thorin's face as he peered down at the table. Fili wondered if his scowl was one of disappointment toward Fili or just the result of an exhausting day for Thorin. Nevertheless, he sat up straighter in his chair, moving so he wasn't slouched into Kili's side, but rather mirroring his uncle's majestic pose.

He was gifted with no more passing looks from Thorin, nor did he seek out his uncle's gaze. When the time was right Thorin would greet him in his own gruff way, and Fili would be proud to have been patient. 

That time never came.

Instead, as Fili made his way through the house, he overheard Thorin speaking with Balin about miners, toy makers, warriors and the like. Thorin hesitated when Balin asked about his time in the Blue Mountains over the past year and Fili paused to eavesdrop.

"To be honest, I wasn't there long. It was uninspiring," he said. "It was a pleasure to see my sister, as always, but the rest of my time was spent in frustration with my nephews' lack of progress in their training. Perhaps it just came to me how young they actually are to be heading out on such a expedition." 

Fili was confused. Thorin had been in Ered Luin for nearly eight months, and he'd certainly not spent his time in frustration or disappointment…at least as far as Fili was concerned. As for inspiration and his youthfulness, Fili wasn't sure if he should be offended or try to strike the personal connotation from his mind.

"Aye, laddie. They are not as young as all that. And what of their skills? Does Kili still wield the bow?"

Thorin huffed out a breath and Fili could almost picture him shaking his head while he contemplated Kili and his weapon of choice. "I dare say the boy is an excellent shot, but you'll not hear me admit such a thing to him, lest he get a bigger head than he already has."

They laughed in that relaxed manner old friends have and Fili found himself smirking at the context of Thorin's remark. He was just about to leave the two dwarfs to their catching up when Balin asked his next question.

"Your nephews have grown into fine young dwarfs, though I'm happy to see they didn't inherit your ugly mug or grumpiness." 

Thorin's laugh rumbled deep in his chest, striking a chord very deep in Fili's chest that curled and twined through the rest of his body. He shuddered but quickly contained himself. 

After a moment or two, Balin coughed out his last chuckle before clearing his throat. "Do they have any prospects yet—the lads? To go about producing a Durin heir for the future I mean? It seems unlikely you'll be having one of your own, since I know which way the wind blows for you. I suppose I'd assumed Fili or Kili would carry the bloodline into the next century."

"They're both still young but there are indefinite plans to include Dain's niece in the consideration of producing an heir. Fili is the obvious choice since he's first in succession, and if we keep it somewhat in the family, it will establish a bond with Dain's folk and hopefully evoke some loyalty directed back at us. Dain is not my favorite dwarf at the moment for his refusal to join the quest, but for the better good, I can bow to his callousness."

A sharp stab of pain resonated with Fili's next four or five heartbeats. He slumped down the wall, his head dropping to his chest as he wound his arms around his waist. His thoughts whirled to whether he might have mistaken Thorin's words. Perhaps he'd meant to say Kili in his answer or was merely speaking without thought after his long journey. He had mentioned he'd been lost twice in search of Bilbo's house, so that spoke volumes in the revelation of how near exhaustion he undoubtedly was.

"And yourself, Thorin? Have I spoken out of turn in assuming you haven't found your One after all these years alone?"

"Hope never dies, my friend. Perhaps one day I'll have an heir of my own. One never knows these things, do they?"

Fili shoved up from the floor, using a nearby chair for leverage as he steadied himself on wobbly legs. He pulled his fur collar tighter together, feeling a sudden chill that struck deep in his bones. After squaring his shoulders and forcibly assuming his relaxed saunter, four steps took him around the corner to where Thorin and Balin reclined on two separate wooden benches across the alcove from one another. Despite the cloud of dread that hazed his mind and roiled his belly, he stopped in between the two dwarfs, summoning his best casual grin and bowing his head in respect.

"Balin. Thorin. Might I fetch you some more ale or, perhaps, red wine from the pantry?" He was pleased his voice remained calm unlike the shaky pain that stung him to the core.

"Thank you kindly, Fili," Balin replied. "I believe I'll just retire to the fire with my pipe though. Good evening, my friends."

Fili dipped his head again as Balin lifted up slowly from the bench, taking a moment to arch his back before stepping from the alcove. 

"Uncle? Might we have a word in private? I've not had the chance to ask you about your journey thus far." Fili smiled adoringly at Thorin, but his uncle remained stoic and sober. 

"Is your mother well, Fili?"

"Yes, she's quite well, though she was unhappy with Kili's and my departure."

Thorin nodded, his hair falling forward like a curtain hiding his face, streaks of silver shining brightly in the light of the lanterns. "Yes, I gathered she would not be the image of acceptance to have her dwarflings leave the nest."

"With all due respect, Uncle. I'm no longer a dwarfling, and if anyone should be privy to that fact it would be you."

Thorin lifted his head but displayed no reaction to what Fili had hoped would be a lighthearted attempt to open a more intimate line of communication between them. Instead, he pushed off the bench and rose so he stood tall and beautiful, mere inches from Fili's face. His hot breath tingled against Fili's skin and Fili struggled not to lean in and press their lips together. 

"I picked up some extra supplies for you and Kili. We'll sort them out in the morning. I trust you and he have found a place to bed down for the night."

Fili stumbled on his words. "I had...had hoped we could be near you tonight since we've not see you for a few months." He'd never felt such apprehension in speaking his mind with Thorin before and it sent that same thread of nervousness spiking through him.

"I've no plans to sleep this evening, but you and your brother need your rest. We've a long journey ahead of us and neither of you have experienced being on the road before."

"With all due respect, Kili and I traveled here without incident."

Thorin's eyes narrowed but Fili was certain he saw a steely sadness behind the scowl. "There is no comparison of the two, Fili. You've not gained experience simply by traveling from your mother's arms to Hobbiton. I need you both at your best come morning, so find somewhere to rest for the night as I've instructed."

With a thick swallow, Fili nodded. "As you wish." 

Thorin made no move to touch Fili even though Fili had witnessed him share different levels of contact with everyone in the tiny hobbit house including Kili. He reached out and softly gripped Thorin's forearm in a simple show of welcome—and a hopefully hidden desperation to touch him—but Thorin stepped quickly away. Fili contained the gasp that rose up from the very depths of his soul when Thorin turned his back and stepped past him.

The room was suddenly closing in on Fili, the air heavy and smothering. He needed to step out, to breath, to gather his whirling feelings. And since those were the only thoughts that made any kind of sense in his head, that's exactly what he did.

~*~*~*~

Kili's eyes were closed when Fili crawled into the bedroll beside him a few hours later. He'd shed his boots and coat by the door, not wanting to wake anyone with his rattling about since the house was stone cold silent. Kili stirred when Fili finally settled himself on the floor, pulling the blanket up to his chin as he lay flat on his back.

"Where were you?" Kili rolled to his side, propping his head on one hand as he gazed sleepy-eyed at Fili. 

Fili should have known his brother wouldn't doze off without being sure he was safe. 

"You missed the song. You know the one Uncle always sang to us when we were small. I know how much you love it, but when I looked around you were nowhere about."

"I took a walk," Fili replied quietly. He moved to roll away from Kili but was stopped by warm fingers cupping his jaw. He looked up into the deepness of Kili's eyes again. "Go to sleep, brother. Tomorrow is a day of new beginnings."

Kili thumbed over Fili's jaw before moving his hand back. "He has a lot on his mind, an entire company and kingdom in fact."

Fili closed his eyes and attempted to shut out his rattling thoughts as well as his brother's insistent need to talk. What he really didn't want was Kili attempting to speak logically...and it was such a rare turn about of roles. "I'm sleeping, Kili. I suggest you do the same."

"Has that ever worked for you before, Fee?"

"What is it you wish me to say?" He felt Kili settle beside him, one arm draped over Fili's chest as he snuggled in close.

"The truth as you've always spoken it, as you've always taught me. I've been by your side forever and I know when your heart is aching."

"My heart has ached for a long time. Today is no different than any other day."

"But it is. Things are not the same after what the two of you shared. Out of anyone in the world, it is you who should know what he is like and how his focus is rarely on one thing at a time."

"I don't wish for his focus."

Kili lay his hand flat over the rapid pounding inside Fili's chest. "Perhaps not, but you wish for his heart."

"I only want him to accomplish that which he needs in order to make him happy and have contentment in his own heart."

"At the cost of your own."

"I've paid no price to love him, Kili. It's simply been a part of me for as long as I can remember, and if the time I've spent with him is all I'm ever allotted, at least I had that much. Can we rest now?" 

Kili sighed heavily against Fili but he, of course, wasn't finished. "I have faith in the two people I love most. It's only been one day. You'll still rule Erebor together and I'll never have to lift a sword or anything else ever again because of my esteemed position as brother and nephew."

Fili thumped Kili on the back of the head but smirked into the darkness. He pulled the blanket up around them, entwined his fingers with Kili's over his chest, then closed his eyes again. 

He believed what he said. He had no entitlement to Thorin. Not all those who found their One had their feelings returned. It wouldn't be the first time fate was cruelly mistaken. 

The taste of Thorin on his lips, the touch of his strong fingers on Fili's body, the sparkle of adoration in his blue eyes—the depths of which Fili would have been happy to drown in—would remain with Fili for his lifetime, and if need be, he could use the memories to keep him company in his heartache.

~*~*~*~

Thorin paused only a few feet away from where his nephews lay huddled together in a lonely corner of the hobbit house. As always there was peace in their slack faces and smooth skin as they lay together. He often envied the closeness they shared, even in slumber.

Fili lay curled on his back with Kili's head tight against his shoulder. One of Kili's arms was wrapped loosely around Fili's waist, their fingers twisted together over Fili's heart. A mixture of light and dark hair clung to both their faces and it looked as if Kili had—once again—won the battle for the majority of the blankets. 

His nephews were far beyond the age of sleeping together but it seemed so natural that Thorin couldn't imagine them any other way. Of course, that had been before Fili had assaulted him with gentle words and a heart as big as the Lonely Mountain in Ered Luin, and before a single kiss had opened his heart wide.

Thorin had viewed his nephews almost as a single being for as long as they'd been alive. It had been and still was rare to see one without the other. He'd accepted their similarities and differences as they grew, but thinking of one without the other was something he had never surmised, and he'd always doted on them as if he had some great claim to bringing them into the world. In some ways he supposed he did since he'd been the only father figure in their lives for so many years. 

He'd seen them born, seen them tumble and giggle with their first steps and first falls, seen them grow closer and closer until the world around them didn't matter, didn't exist. He'd never admitted it outright, but they were his pride and joy, the proudest moments in his life. And now, Fili… Thorin bowed his head and turned back from whence he came.

Never in his wildest dreams would he have ever thought he would view one of his nephews differently from the other. They both had their excellent qualities and their admitted faults. As did any dwarf he'd ever known, and Thorin was certainly no exception to the rule. 

The very realization that his feelings had changed for one of them was an arrow pointed directly to one of the flaws of his character or maybe a fallacy of his heart. The fact he'd admitted those emotions, even acted on them, made him wonder if he were truly meant or fit to be king of anyone or anything. But he'd had no regrets...at least until he'd walked into Bag End and seen Fili gaze at him with all the love he felt within his own heart.

He'd never allowed himself the comfort of regrets because he'd been convinced what had happened during his time—a time that seemed more than two lifetimes ago—with Fili would remain there; feelings, joy, love. He'd obviously attempted to disillusion himself and it had worked for the several months he'd not seen Fili or allowed himself to feel him in his heart…in his very soul.

Fili wasn't Thorin's One…couldn't be his One…because it made no sense. There was no rhyme or reason to such a coupling, such a pairing of souls, and despite the aching of his heart, Thorin just could not wrap his head around the whole idea. He loved Fili, but if the fates had intended them to be together in such a way, would Thorin's mind not agree with his heart?

It was true that not everyone felt the immeasurable pull of their soulmate, and since Thorin had known and loved Fili for the entirety of his nephew's young life, perhaps he just didn't understand what he was meant to be feeling. Fili, of course, had proclaimed Thorin to be the only one in his heart, the only one who had ever been, the only one who ever would be.

It hadn't been an easy confession for Fili, his fears clearly displayed on his face the first time he'd come to Thorin with his emotions laid bare almost a year ago. Thorin had been proud, prouder than he could ever remember, but also terrified of the meaning behind Fili's words. He'd wanted to swallow them up, keep them safe inside himself where no one could harm or threaten them. 

He worried about the possibility of someone using Fili's sentiments against him because of who he was…because of who he loved and who loved him. Thorin feared being the heir apparent was enough of a target for those who muddied the waters of discourse in the dwarf community. But having the additional stigma of being the king's beloved had to add so much more to the pot for the vengeful and greedy. He couldn't put Fili in that position, wouldn't put him there for all the gold in the Misty Mountains. 

He also firmly believed Fili could be misguided in his affections. Was it not possible his feelings for Thorin were simply tangled up with his search for his true love, just as Thorin was unsure how finding his _One_ would—should—feel? Fili needed the chance to find that perfect, devoted, inspired love he so deserved, and Thorin didn't believe he was the true, all-encompassing entity Fili needed to feel complete.

He'd been cocky in thinking he could simply resume their former relationship of nephew and uncle once they'd begun the quest, so certain that he hadn't devised any sort of plan to fall back on. The months spent with Fili in his arms, in his bed, in his heart swirled ferociously in his head as soon as he'd seen Fili at Bag End, that first simple kiss Fili had bestowed on him suddenly fresh on his lips.

It had been on the tip of his tongue to praise Fili for wrangling the dwarves when the table had erupted in accusatory voices and questions of loyalty. Fill had spoken well, choosing just the right words and emotions to garner the attention of all those present…and Thorin's heart had swelled with pride. Fili had shown that he did have the presence of mind to lead when he allowed himself to step out of the shadows. And if ever there had been a time for Thorin to tell him he was proud of him, he respected him, _he loved him_ , that would have been it. 

But the sentiments Thorin had wished to express got lost in the hollow fears of his mind so rather than telling his nephew he'd done well, Thorin had shoved away any and all of his emotions. In retrospect, he'd shut down his very heart in order to ignore Fili's presence—in order to deny the fact Fili had him tied up in intricate, unyielding knots. 

To treat Fili in such a way had pained Thorin more than he'd ever believed it could. He'd thought he had successfully convinced himself that reverting to his usual relationship with Fili would supply him with no complications. It would be simple, satisfactory, necessary and _normal_. He'd told himself the push and pull of his heart could be easily remedied with a strong disposition and mountains of denial. Instead he'd felt loneliness and heartache that struck him deaf, dumb and blind inside, that had made his fingers tremble, his feet stumble, and his belly clench with longing.

He was aware that his words to Balin had been cruel and untrue, just as he'd known Fili had been close enough to hear them. He wasn't entirely sure how he knew, just that it had been a definitive feeling in his gut, a true awareness of Fili's nearness. Then to add insult to injury, he'd stepped away from what had obviously been Fili's attempt at some sort of contact to soothe his wounded feelings. The look on Fili's face had punctured Thorin's own heart and stolen the very breath from him when he'd forced himself to walk away. 

Kili was always considered the one who wore his emotions like an ill-fitting piece of armor, while Fili was known as the quiet, strong but gentle, shield that protected his brother from the harshness of reality. But tonight Thorin had taken the entirety of Fili's shield, sent it tumbling to the stone floor where it shattered into a million pieces, and entwined in those pieces had been Thorin's own heart. The same heart many believed only beat for gold and redemption and Erebor, the same one others didn't believe he possessed at all.

Fili's confession had proved the disbelievers wrong, had shown Thorin that he did indeed have a heart and it beat and ached for his nephew. His own pronouncement of love had surprised even him, had shaken him to the very core when the words reached his own ears, but he'd denied nothing…then. 

Now, however, it was up to him to gather the broken pieces of his heart. He needed to reassemble those shards then shove his badly repaired heart, and any and all of the sweeping emotions that came with it, back into the lonely cavern of his chest where it was comfortable and safe. He needed to put it back so it could do no more damage, so it—so he—couldn't hurt Fili again.

~*~*~*~


	2. Denial does not beget the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The journey has begun. Thorin is drowning in more than the rain, Fili is maintaining his strength, and Kili only wants to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first attempt at Fili/Thorin and far more angsty and emotional than I had intended. Guess we'll see how it goes. It was written for my Hurt/Comfort prompt table with the prompt EMOTION, so hopefully I at least got that part right.
> 
> I'm still new to the fandom so comments and kudos are love.

Thorin shook Kili awake for the third time, harder this time as he finally allowed his frustrated growl to stutter his words. The boy could sleep through a dragon attack if he was allowed. 

"Kili! Wake up, boy." 

His belief in Kili's ability to sleep through anything was due mostly to having Fili constantly at his side. His brother served as his own personal bodyguard against everything from taunters who made fun of his fairness, to their mother when she was looking for someone to blame for something Kili had usually been responsible for. And with regards to Fili...

"Kili, where's your brother?"

"Uncle? Why…why are you standing there? Fili's right here...or perhaps…not. He might have taken a walk as he did last night."

"Why would he take a walk when he knows we must depart?"

With a yawn that Thorin feared would swallow him up, Kili stretched his arms over his head. He set his sleepy gaze on Thorin with a tiny—obviously forced—smile. "I cannot presume to guess what's in Fili's mind, but if anyone might know his reasons it would be you."

Thorin lifted himself from his crouched position, crossing his arms over his chest as he retained his full height. "Do you wish to say something to me, sister-son?" 

Kili smiled sweetly, all teeth and batty eyes. "No, Uncle. Now if you'll excuse me I'll go look for my brother." He bowed his head in respect, but not before Thorin saw the gleam in his eye.

He followed close behind Kili as he gathered up his cloak, coat, gloves and boots then headed out the door. When he'd found Fili missing from Kili 's side so early in the morning, it had struck a sour chord in Thorin's belly, and he had barely been able to wait for sunrise to question Kili. 

He knew Fili wouldn't leave his brother behind under any circumstances, for any reason, but seeing the empty spot where he usually lay had been immediately worrisome. Perhaps sending them back to Ered Luin would have been the better idea after all. There would have been upset and bitterness, and it would have been a blow to the company's numbers, but Thorin didn't feel he had the extra patience or time to worry and fret after his nephews. 

Of course, he was more than likely not being fair to Fili and Kili because the issue centered more around himself than them. Thorin was merely making excuses for the guilt he felt when he looked at Fili, the guilt he held in his own hands, and he knew it was his choice either to allow it to remain or to resolve it for himself. His biggest fear was that his steely determination would crumble under Fili's constant gaze and presence.

He was making his way down the tiny stone steps, watching his footsteps carefully since the hobbit's stairs were obviously not made for dwarven feet—though hobbits' feet were clearly almost as large. Kili's voice sounded out across the narrow road, and Thorin looked up in time to see him hug his brother tightly. Fili pushed him away with a snort then ruffled his hair with the endearing smile Thorin had grown to love and _need_ during those months at Ered Luin. And by Mahal, despite his denial, he needed it still.

The brothers were standing in a field just across the path from Bilbo's house, sixteen freshly readied ponies surrounding them. Thorin stared in wonder, taking a moment to search the early morning scenery for other dwarves who may have helped Fili in his task. There was no one about—dwarf, hobbit or any other species. 

The only disturbance in the freshness of the early morning was his nephews speaking hushed but insistent words. When they noticed him looking their way, they silenced their voices, turning to face him. They stood side-by-side arms crossed over their chests, heads held high in a very familiar stance. Fili appeared to be gazing off into the distance while Kili glared straight at Thorin with enormous intent. Thorin could see confrontation shadowing his dark eyes. Kili was generally a bundle of positive energy, but Thorin knew his youngest nephew well enough to sense a storm brewing within his easy demeanor.

Shifting his gaze away from the boys, he took in the sight of fourteen leather packs of different sizes or varieties lined up along the wooden fence. They all appeared filled to the brim, each one resting below their respective owners' ponies. Gandalf had seen to it that all the dwarves belongings were stowed away in a tiny shed to the side of Bilbo's house, and somehow Fili had accomplished the impossible in retrieving them all, then stocking them with the provisions Thorin had brought with him. There was also one for the burglar on the off chance he would be joining them. Gandalf, of course, had kept his own things with him in the house.

Thorin knew Fili neither expected nor essentially needed commendation for his task, but recognizing him would be the honorable thing for Thorin to do. The problem lay in his own worries that his praise would result in sounding overly appreciative, and hence, give Fili the wrong impression. It would, in all fairness, be the right impression, but not the one Thorin was so set upon maintaining and trying to force himself to uphold.

He feared the journey was going to entail far greater stress than a dragon, and possibly some orcs or goblins or hostile dwarves. It might be Fili who had due cause to be upset with Thorin, but it was Kili who would be the one to watch. When Thorin's youngest nephew got his teeth into something, he rarely let go, the bow and arrow being a perfect example. And Thorin knew since Fili was involved, Kili's juvenile outlook would fall by the wayside should his brother need his protection. He would always offer support both physical or emotional to Fili, even if the enemy appeared to be their own uncle and king. 

When his nephews finally made their way to where Thorin stood between the small rows of blooming flowerpots, he let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. He stuffed a trembling hand into his pocket, searching the leather pouch for his pipe, but it came away empty. His other pocket was next, the result being the same. Before he had the chance to even curse, two fingers produced the object of his search in front of his face.

Fili's warm gaze blazed through Thorin, and he hesitated while his heart beat far too rapidly against his rib cage. How had he never noticed the calm beauty of his eldest nephew, and why now of all times, must he to yearn to be closer? Images flashed through his mind of Fili kissing him, touching him, moaning beneath him as they both sought their releases. 

As in all things, Fili was a generous lover, and despite his years, had managed to teach Thorin a thing or two about the art of love. He'd shown Thorin that his desires did not have to be hastily quieted, that slow and gentle were not synonymous with weakness or submission. He'd never submitted to anyone, in anything, but there had been times over the eight months of being with Fili that the thought had slid into Thorin's mind. It had been a first for him to wish the control of a situation onto someone else, especially in something as important as his body and heart. But that very way of thinking was just a small part of how Fili wrapped himself around Thorin, physically, spiritually and emotionally. 

A deep, concerned frown ghosted across Fili's face and Thorin suddenly realized he'd been staring in dumbfounded silence at him.

"Uncle?" 

"Apologies. My mind wanders." Of course, he couldn't tell Fili where his thoughts had actually gone, despite his very soul aching to do so.

"Your pipe," Fili said as Thorin became aware that he'd missed part of the conversation. "I found it on the table this morning..." Fili ducked his head, brushing imaginary grass or dirt from his gloves while Thorin felt his own breath hitch in his throat. "I cleaned it out. Habit I suppose."

Kili joined them just as Fili finished speaking. He slapped Fili on the back hard enough to pull a groan from his throat, as well as a curse from his lips. 

"You didn't clean mine out, brother. But there's still time if you feel the need." Kili smirked and Thorin recognized the mischievous little boy who hadn't been present only moments before when he'd been glaring daggers at him from across the field. 

Fili's whole body language changed with Kili's presence. "You'll be waiting a long time for that to happen, lazy arse." His smile returned when he fixed his gaze on Kili, then gave him an adoring shove. "I think I've done my share for the morning while you were keeping everyone awake with your incessant snoring."

"At least I wake up on the good side of the bed, unlike my kin who are grumpy as goblins."

"Why don't you go make sure the others are up and ready to leave. It's time we departed." Thorin fought to keep his voice even. He was anxious to have Fili to himself for a moment—a poor decision in probability, but one he sought nonetheless.

Kili bowed with the bright, cheeky grin he was known for, then scurried into the house, making enough noise to wake the dead and anyone else in the vicinity. Thorin hoped the hobbit was a sound sleeper.

Thorin turned to Fili who was shifting from foot to foot and tugging on one of his longer braids. "You didn't have to do all the readying yourself. I never expected..."

Fili shrugged and didn't let Thorin continue. "I woke early, and my restlessness wouldn't allow me to stay still any longer. I thought I might as well make myself useful."

There was an empty silence between them, only broken up with Kili's shrill laughter from inside the house followed by a hearty grunt that unmistakably belonged to Dwalin. Thorin stepped a little closer to Fili, hand poised to touch him. 

"Fili, I..."

With a bow of his head identical to his brother's, Fili cut off Thorin's words. "I'll go see to my brother. You know how irresponsible he can be if he has the opportunity to bat his eyes and get his own way."

He disappeared through the hobbit's door before Thorin had a chance to stop or even touch him. He'd thought long and hard all night long about Fili and the disappointment he'd caused him, even going as far as plotting ways to hold him at bay or try to be as formal as possible in their contact. And yet…he'd just tried to touch him during a single moment together. 

Perhaps Fili did cause Thorin to feel the pull of finding his One, but even if that were the truth, it didn't change his mind about taking Fili for himself. Nor did his love make any more sense than it had the night before. It was impossible and improbable, and he refused to risk Fili's safety…and his freedom. Threats might not occur until they'd reached Erebor and reclaimed their lost home, but any threat at all was one too many on Fili's life.

If need be, Thorin could use Kili as a buffer between himself and Fili, since Kili already seemed to hold Thorin in lower regard at the moment. It was obviously a show of respect for his brother's honor, which was respectable in itself. Thorin couldn't blame him, but that didn't mean he was too proud to use him if he served to discourage Fili's involvement between them. 

Thorin wasn't entirely sure that was the case, but if Kili's reaction to Thorin this morning was any indication, he was well on his way to disapproving of him breaking Fili's heart. And there were no sweet-spoken words or fluttering brown eyes in the world that could make him believe Kili didn't know exactly what had been going on. 

The mere thought of losing Fili's love, and Kili's along with it, speared pain through Thorin's chest. His heart knew Fili would never stop loving him but that did not lessen the ache or fear. He needed to strike those thoughts from his mind, mount his pony and get on with what needed to be done, get on with the quest to reclaim the home most of his kin had never known.

He stepped through the door, moving from room to room while commanding his company to mount up. The dwarves moved quickly, gathering their things and straightening up Bilbo's home. Balin was the first one to set foot outside the door, the shake then single nod of his white head assuring Thorin that the contract had not been signed, but the house was in order as it should be.

As well as being his oldest companion, Thorin had always considered Balin to be his advisor in all things, yet he'd spoken not a word to him about Fili. He supposed he could blame it on the shame of being with his own nephew, but Balin was neither judgmental nor one to gossip, and blaming his neglect on a societal adversity was preposterous. Dwarven customs neither condoned nor encouraged inter-familial couplings.

There had been a phase in Thorin's life where he'd believed Balin might be his _One_ , but nothing had ever come of their relationship since there had been no feelings or desires that swept through either one of them except friendship. It could have been easily mistaken because they'd spent so much time together, but in the end, they had always remained just dearest friends. 

Thorin was ashamed for not sharing such important information with Balin. It certainly wasn't a trust issue, but perhaps more of a fear that with disclosure, also came explanation. He would have to review the situation outwardly rather than just inwardly, and he'd have to contend with more than just Fili. 

He loved Fili in an all-consuming way, or at least if could have become all-consuming if he allowed it, yet he remained fearful of what exactly that meant. In his logical mind, he understood that committing himself to Fili meant less chance of continuing the line of Durin. Also, claiming Fili down when he had the world at his fingertips seemed far more selfish than selfless, and he feared the additional burden of responsibility as consort would become more of a burden than what had already been forced on Fili his entire life?

The bottom line was Thorin refused to believe in the feelings of his heart over the thinkings of his mind. He'd helped raise Fili and Kili, of course, but those feelings were inbred because they were kin. Fili's emotional outpouring and ability to dig his way around, through, and inside Thorin was a different matter altogether.

The company was attempting to get Kili and Bifur out of the bushes where'd they decided to relieve themselves at the very last moment. Fili already sat upon his pony, urging his brother to behave but with the dead give-away hint of amusement curling his lips. That's how Thorin always viewed his nephews; Kili pushing the limits while Fili joined-in in his own way but strived to put boundaries on Kili's spirited behavior when the need arose. 

Another thought struck him hard and as he watched his nephews. When he looked at Fili and Kili, he saw two sides to the same coin, two separate bodies, hearts, and minds, but attached together by one all-embracing soul. And if that were the case, how would Fili's _One_ fit into the perplexities of his relationship with his brother? And the even harsher reality was whether Thorin could see himself taking away for his own personal gain what little youthful spirit Fili had left.

~*~*~*~

Once Bilbo had caught up to the company, coins had been exchanged—unfortunately with Thorin on the losing end—and the hobbit had been set upon his own pony, Thorin finally felt they were truly on their way. He hadn't formed an opinion of their burglar yet, but so far he'd heard of no skills or assets he possessed that would be helpful in the days to come.

With two days riding behind them, Thorin was already bone-weary and slightly downhearted. He'd spent far too much time riding alone, mulling over the road ahead and, of course, Fili. He noted it would be best if he attempted to socialize more with his company during the ride, if for no other reason than to keep his rattling brain steady and busy. He was less likely to drown in his own thoughts if he focused on something else, someone else.

It had turned out to be a wet experience for everyone since they'd encountered more rain than not on their quest thus far. There weren't any outright complaints, but Thorin could tell the lot of them were already weary of the downpour and the uncomfortable sensation of being soaked through to the bone. Bilbo had been gently heckling Gandalf's wizardly abilities when a disturbance at the back of the pack caused everyone to stop and turn. 

As Thorin turned to find out just what the was happening, he saw Kili sitting on his backside in the middle of a mud puddle. The other dwarves chuckled, believing it was all just a part of Kili's entertaining personality, but Thorin knew better. The truth was in the lack of amusement on his youngest nephew's face and even more so, the fact Fili was the only dwarf not paying Kili any attention at all.

"Kili! You'll catch your death sitting there like that. Mount up and come to my side. Fili, you and Dwalin ride on ahead. We need somewhere dry to stay for the night."

Fili rode past him without a word, back straight, gaze focused on the road ahead. Dwalin was not so accommodating.

"What's going on? The lad..." Dwalin tilted his head in Fili's direction, "...shoved the other one to the ground. I saw it with my own eyes."

"Carry on, Dwalin. Fili waits ahead."

Dwalin opened his mouth to protest but instead uttered a breathy curse and warning. 

"You know I'll do as I'm told, but don't think this issue has been swept under the rug. We've barely begun our journey, Thorin, and if there are things amiss, I believe we should all be informed."

Thorin nodded as Dwalin trotted away. He knew Dwalin was fond of Fili and Kili, had known them most of their lives in fact, hence he was fully aware of their closeness. Whatever Fili's intention had been, Thorin knew it wasn't for him to get noticed by the rest of the company. 

Fili preferred to fade into the background, maintain his sense of decorum and respectability. He'd been teased just as much as Kili when they were dwarflings, but not for being too fair of face. The taunts aimed at him had been with regards to Thorin, and more specifically Fili's place as heir apparent. Dwarves could be just as ruthless as men, crueler if the one in their sights was of their own kind. 

Fili had been subjected to both dwarf and human cruelties, but only until he'd finally showed his gutless enemies that he could more than adequately take care of himself. He'd always kept a stony face after that, not as trusting as before, and preferring to spend time only with Kili—and Thorin. Attention in a group of dwarves far older than him was definitely not to Fili's liking.

"Uncle," Kili said as he rode up beside Thorin. "I apologize. I must have dozed off and lost my footing with all the rain. I'll be more careful from now on. Might I go ride ahead with Fili now?"

"What did you say to make him strike you?"

Kili's response was immediate and harsh, his large eyes growing to even more epic proportions. "He didn't strike me! Fili would never do that." 

Thorin dipped his chin to his chest, gaze straight ahead. He knew Kili would feel the need to explain further if he kept quiet, or in the least, he wouldn't be able to maintain the silence.

A soft growl preceded Kili's reply. "It was just a push. It is wet and I did slip. He meant me no harm."

"Will this behavior continue in the future?"

"No, Uncle. I've learned my lesson."

"Which would be?"

Kili's eyes darkened as he stared into the distance where Fili had disappeared. "My mother would say not to stick my nose in places they do not belong. Fili's lesson is more particular—I'm not to make disparaging comments about you. Might I go join Fili now?"

"It might be best if you gave your brother some space. Ride with Ori for now."

"Yes, Uncle." With a heavy sigh, Kili guided his horse to the back of the pack again.

Thorin was gobsmacked by Kili's confession, but he nodded and dismissed him nonetheless. He'd expected some sort of cheeky remark to explain Fili's usual calm demeanor faltering, but he hadn't expected it to be about him.

~*~*~*~

_Fili gritted his teeth, hissing at his brother as he encouraged his horse closer so he would not be overheard. "I'll not discuss this with you any longer, Kili. Have we not spoken of it enough since we left Ered Luin?"_

_With a shake of his head, Kili rolled his eyes and threw up a hand. "How can you say that? The circumstances have surely changed since even a day past. Why do you defend him so righteously when he's not even attempted to show you any kindness?" He tugged at his hood with a disgusted huff._

_"Thorin treats me no different than the rest."_

_"But is that not the point? Should he not treat you differently now? Why won't you let me speak with him? I promise not to push. I just want to help, Fee."_

_Kili reached out to touch his shoulder but Fili pushed him away._

_"No, Kili. He has his honor and pride. Nothing, and no one, can change the way he is, not even questioning, stabbing words from his youngest nephew's spiteful lips. And more importantly, words that are none of his concern."_

_"Honor? You cannot be serious? What honor is there in denying who you are?"_

_"You know nothing of this, Kili. You need to stop."_

_"I know you. I've always known you."_

_"Though I appreciate your support, this is not a matter between brothers."_

_"What about the attack?"_

_Fili could hear the concern in Kili's voice, could feel the compassion wafting off him in the way it always had. He tightened his grip on his reins, dipping his head while he prayed for more patience. "Kili, please."_

_Kili couldn't be stopped, as was usually the case. "Have you told him how you were beaten and stabbed protecting his precious honor yet? Does he know you've already spilled your own blood for him because of his quest for greatness? That you carry the scar for proving once again that you would lay down your life for him?"_

_"It is merely a scratch. You're making far too much of it."_

_"A scratch that required a healer. What is wrong with you, brother?"_

_Fili's patience was wearing thin. "You would have done no different had you been at my side."_

_"Perhaps, but I certainly would not have hid it from Thorin so he didn't have to feel the guilt of a blade cutting through my skin."_

_"There is no need for him to know. What good would come of it, Kili? Let things lie where they may."_

_"He seems to be the one doing all the lying, especially after he bedded you, and now wishes to deny it."_

_"Kili! You'll not speak of him that way. Have some respect, brother."_

_"I respect him as my king, but as my uncle, my respect for him is waning. Perhaps you need to take extreme measures to allow him to see the error of his ways."_

_"What is it you're trying to say?"_

_"If you turn your eyes and love toward someone else, maybe our uncle will pull his head out of his arse, and acknowledge the feelings between you."_

_Fili growled and before he recognized the movement of his own hand, he'd shoved Kili as hard as he could—and afterwards, felt not a drop of guilt about it._

~*~*~*~


	3. Fili's strength

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Dwarves are fickle creatures - not talking when they're supposed to and all. :)
> 
> Comments and kudos are love. :)

Fili had ached for Thorin for as long as he could remember. A dull, ever-present pain that clinched around his heart and often made it hard for him to breathe in his uncle's presence once he'd come of age. He'd never spoken to anyone about it because he never understood what his fascination with Thorin really was.

He'd been embarrassed at first—even a young dwarf knew it wasn't common for members of the same family to harbor such strong feelings towards one another, especially not when they were both males. He loved Kili and his mother, but it was a different love than he felt for Thorin, and the realization of what he was feeling made him think there had to be something wrong with him. But as much as he stuffed away the emotional upheaval he felt when Thorin was around away, it never changed the true nature of his feelings.

Since he and Kili had lost their father when they were mere babes, Dis had always made a strong effort to speak of him often through the years. She regaled them with stories of how they met, about his work at the forge and his travels and friendship with Thorin. She spoke of his kindness and his beauty—something she said had been divided between Fili and Kili, with Fili inheriting their father's shining mane of gold, and his brother his dark, soulful eyes.

Over the years, it had been common for Fili to find his mother weeping alone in her room after sharing her memories with him and Kili. The tears rolled soundlessly down her face as she clutched the beads their father had worn in his hair and beard up until the day he died. 

She'd never parted with them, the beads always on her person in one way or another for Fili's whole life. At least until the day she insisted that Fili and Kili take them along on their journey for luck. He'd asked her about it once when he was younger—why she carried them everywhere with her—and she'd merely said she liked to keep their father close to her, and that he would understand when he was older. She'd had the same response when he'd questioned her about her tears.

_"One day I hope you to be as truly blessed as your father and I."_

He hadn't understood what being blessed had to do with crying and carrying beads around, and he'd said as much to her.

_"When you find your cherished One, all will be understood. Until then just keep hope inside you that Aule will see fit to grant you that which will make your soul whole and your heart sing."_

It hadn't been until he was older that he truly understood the reasoning behind his mother's words, and the importance of their meaning. Uncle Balin—as they called him then—had been the one to break the news that not all dwarves were lucky enough to find the other half of their heart. Balin himself had never found his _One_ nor felt the tug of even having one waiting for him. At the time Fili had believed that wasn't a bad thing since he'd only witnessed the heartbreak and tears his mother suffered after losing his father, her _One_.

The fates had a strange way of bringing things full circle in an almost unrelenting, cruel way though, and Fili had never felt the sting cut so deep as he did on that night in Bag End. There was a part of him that wished he was that naive younger version of himself again, the dwarf who neither believed nor wished for his _One_ to appear. Things would have surely been different for him had his overpowering love and desire for Thorin been nothing more than a schoolboy crush, perhaps in the way Kili fell in and out of love with a new girl or boy at least once a month, sometimes once a week.

But alas, Fili's heart and soul seemed unable to switch the gears of change inside his head or his chest. Thorin would always be the other half he longed for whether their hearts were joined or not. As it stood, the latter was the inevitable probability, and Fili had to find a way to get past the pain that thrummed inside him because of it.

Kili's overbearing, protective stance wasn't doing Fili any favors either. He believed his brother's bad attitude towards Thorin was meant to be a show of solidarity so Fili couldn't be completely disappointed in Kili. He didn't like that Fili was hurting—understandable considering the closeness they'd always shared. 

Kili was stubborn and opinionated when he felt strongly about something, and since he couldn't help Fili with bandages, potions or retaliation, he was trying hard to help in other ways—just not ways that were of an advantage to Fili. He couldn't imagine not having Kili at his side, but as Thorin had said often when they were growing up, at some point they would both have to stand on their own.

Fili smothered the hopeless smile he felt all the way to his toes as he crouched down to search his pack. His fingers wrapped around a small leather pouch, the familiarity warming his insides. He scouted his surroundings for any spying or passing-by dwarves, but found none so he let his grin overwhelm his face as he finally pulled the pouch from his pack and emptied its contents.

His thumb moved carefully over the dull blade, mapping out every tiny knick and imperfection from years of being hauled around. It was only a knife, and a very small one at that. It was big enough to make a young dwarfling's heart soar with excitement and secrecy, but not large enough to damage anything bigger than an insect.

_"This has to be our secret, Fili. If your mother finds out she will probably tan both our hides."_

Fili remembered the moment as if it were just yesterday; the conspiratory grin on Thorin's face as he pressed the knife into Fili's small hand. It had been a late birthday gift, and Fili could never known then that it would become so important to him one day. 

Since he'd recognized his love for Thorin, Fili had carried the knife everywhere; in his pocket or his bag or sometimes tucked away inside his sock where it remained warm and soothing for the entire day. It was exactly like his mother had said—it was akin to keeping a small part of Thorin with him. And even though it hadn't been used by his uncle—or worn like his father's beads—it had been forged by Thorin with his own hands especially for Fili. 

He supposed it was an unmanly thing to do, some would even argue undwarfly as well since dwarves weren't known for their romantic inclinations. They were monogamous creatures once they settled down, but romance wasn't in abundance in the dwarf community. 

Fili had never cared for what the norm was though, had never concerned himself with what others thought or said. He had three important people in his life, and as long as they loved him, all was right with the world. Of course that train of thought brought out other prospects that Fili had been trying to avoid circling his brain. If Thorin didn't love Fili as his _One_ , he would still love Fili nonetheless, would he not?

He wasn't sure what he'd do if things never improved between them, if they were unable to return to the reassuring relationship they'd had before Fili confessed his feelings. It had only been a couple days since Fili's heart had been damaged at Bag End, and Thorin had often been gone months at a time without seeing Fili and Kili, but it seemed different now. And if—when—they reclaimed Erebor, Fili wondered if his and Thorin's relationship would dwindle to nothing because Thorin had been so put off by Fili's affections. 

It would be the worst thing in the world if Fili became second in command and had to have dealings with Thorin every day, but they were unable to speak civilly or without discomfort with each other. Fili had resigned himself to never committing himself to another, and he had no intentions of even thinking about such a thing, but Thorin would surely find someone to spend his life with. How would Fili handle that? He hoped it would be with respect and dignity, but everything seemed dependent on whether Thorin still loved him as his nephew or had given him up completely.

Bowing his head, Fili stroked his thumb over the full length of the knife before clenching it tightly in his hand. It was a habit he'd used frequently over the years when he needed strength or comfort in dealing with something he had to keep to himself. Kili had never faltered in being a wonderful brother, but there were rare things Fili had never confided in him—his feelings for Thorin being number one on the list, though Kili had eventually figured it out on his own. He doubted his brother had ever understood the depth of his love for Thorin—until the last year, at least.

Their mother had always said Fili was Kili's gentle, quiet strength, but there were days—like the past two—when Fili struggled to find his own purpose and means of staying afloat in the rapidly flowing river that was his heart and emotions. Those were the times that the knife had become his safety blanket.

Fili allowed himself to think the knife held a small part of Thorin, not literally of course, but in a way that was more emotional than physical. It was silly, but even telling himself as much had never quelled his desire to hold it and have it with him. And whether it was brilliantly mad to believe it was Thorin offering Fili his comfort through it or not was of no consequence on how he continued to cling to the gift.

"I trust things are calm between your brother and yourself again?"

Fili's boots scrambled for purchase on the slippery ground that was more mud than dirt, barely saving himself from tipping over and onto his arse when the voice he even heard in his dreams was suddenly upon him. He stuffed the knife in his pocket then stood slowly, composing himself and quieting the stir of panic that settled in his belly.

"Yes," he replied with as much vigor as he could muster. He fought to mask his face in indifference while the muscle in his jaw twitched beneath the surface and stormy emotion hid behind eyes he hoped were innocent of such. "It was just a difference of opinion between brothers. It should not have been carried out where it was. Apologies, Uncle."

Thorin crossed his arms over his chest, his face remaining stony serious and his gaze blazing straight through Fili. Fili had to avert his eyes, fully aware of the likelihood of drowning in Thorin's icy blues. It was not the observation of a dwarf moving forward and on from a situation that was impossible, but one of a heart still crumbling inside its chest and looking for some semblance of hope.

"There's no room for uncivilized behavior here, Fili. We may be a mismatched and misvalued lot, but a cohesive unit we must stay. I cannot have fighting or taunting amongst the company. There will be far enough dissension from others along the way…we do not need it from within, as well."

"I've already apologized, and it was not a fight, merely a mix of words and emotions that got out of hand."

"And landed Kili on his arse."

"I assure you that it won't happen again." Fili struggled to hold Thorin's steely gaze, but there was a small part of him—no doubt fueled by delusion and stubborn denial—that believed there was a renewed softness to Thorin's face, and an edging of emotions ghosting behind his eyes. 

He knew wishes and dreams colored things in the wrong way when they became lost and diluted by hard-pressed hope. Emotions muddied the waters of reality in a means of cushioning the heart from the trauma of what truly was. Fili desperately needed to remain in the here and now. 

He slid a hand into his pocket, clutching the knife tightly while he passed the discomfort of the situation with the pretense of tapping caked mud from his boots.

Thorin cleared his throat. "You are princes, Fili…heirs to the throne of Erebor and the Durin name. Your behavior must match your standing, and as heir apparent, you need to maintain some sense and decorum." 

When Fili could find no words, Thorin frowned then rested a gentle hand on his shoulder. He quickly pulled it back as if he'd been burned. A sudden, overwhelming need for contact almost threw Fili into Thorin's arms at that moment. Only the sharp sting of rejection held him back. 

When Fili and Kili had been growing up, Thorin had been very demonstrative and affectionate with them, tender or rough hugs—whichever were needed at the time—arms slung around shoulders. He'd displayed no hesitation in pulling them into his lap had one life crisis or another come screaming down on them, or just to simply show his pride in one of their accomplishments. 

Kili's lack of attention and inability to sit still had been far worse while in school, and when Thorin had been around he'd taken an active role in calming Kili's urges and frustrations. His voice had always soothed them both—as well as scared the daylights out of them if he became angry—and Kili had done better under Thorin's guidance.

Thorin had always ensured that Fili had his own time of complete attention, usually in the form of a pep talk, a much needed press of foreheads, or just quiet time between uncle and nephew. Fili had relished those times, and yearned for them when Thorin was away. 

When the first signs of puberty hit Fili like a sword to the gut, Thorin's absence had become physically painful. He'd become aggressive and wild for a time—behavior he neither understood nor could explain or control. His mother's wishes and advice had been disregarded, and Kili's very presence ignored or verbally objected to. In general, Fili had lost control of all his senses and with them, his common sense. 

The desires of his body became desperate, and without a father figure—or even uncle at the time—he'd believed something was truly wrong with him. Yet he never confided his fears to anyone, instead avoiding his kin and seeking release for what he believed to be a physical deformity in the abusive arms of an older dwarf. 

His mother had expressed her concerns about the time he spent away from home, the halt of his school attendance, even going as far as threatening to summon Thorin. Who was to know that was the one thing—the only thing—that could have calmed and soothed the raging hormones and overwhelming emotions that wracked and tormented Fili.

Thorin's return had been nothing if not miraculous in that Fili's symptoms had simply fallen away the moment Thorin was near. Dis had sequestered his uncle upon his arrival while Fili sat outside the door, knees pulled tight to his chest, head and heart reeling and churning in a combination of confusion and relief. 

The conversation between brother and sister hadn't taken long, Fili's mother exiting the room behind Thorin, tears trailing down her cheeks. Despite the soothing warmth he felt inside, Fili feared he was in far more trouble than he'd expected.

After taking Dis in his arms and softly kissing her cheek, Thorin turned to Fili, his blue eyes soft with concern, jaw tight beneath his dark stubble. He'd firmly pulled Fili into his arms, then right there in their tiny home in the middle of their even tinier entryway, Fili's heart had shattered in a fiery explosion of understanding and love.

He clung to Thorin, his own tears buried in the soft fur of his uncle's collar, fingers white-knuckled with the force of his desperation. Thorin had murmured words of normalcy and coming of age, but Fili barely listened. All he heard was the pounding of his own heart in a matching rhythm to Thorin's. All he felt was muscled arms holding and soothing him. All he knew was he would love Thorin with everything he was for the rest of his life.

The embrace hadn't lasted long, but since Fili would have been content for it to never end, to never be without Thorin's touch ever again, he hadn't been the best judge of time. Thorin had looked deep into Fili's eyes, his lips curling up into a sweet smile.

_"It appears you are beginning the change from dwarfling to adult. I pray I would have been here to counsel you…I offer my apologies for missing such an important event in your young life. I'm here now, and your mother and I believe a small trip might be in order. Is that agreeable with you?"_

Fili couldn't remember if he'd spoken at all in the next hour after Thorin's return, but they'd set off on their short trip, packs filled to the brim with food and bedrolls. They'd slept under the stars, just him and Thorin. His uncle had spoken of his coming of age at Erebor, of lost kin, of sweet first kisses and confused first times.

Thorin had asked Fili if he had yet sought out any comfort for his physical needs. Fili had paused, the internal workings of his mind filling the air with a heavy silence. He'd come to the realization that the dwarf who had touched him, kissed him, taken him to his bed, had done so in a way that had been wrong—that Fili's inexperience and desperate need had been used against him. Thorin had caught his hesitation though, had urged the tale from Fili's ashamed heart and out into the open. 

Rage had overtaken Thorin's face, his skin reddening, eyes turning stormy and enflamed. Fili had fliched back, afraid he was the cause of Thorin's anger. He couldn't have been more wrong. It was the first time he'd seen Thorin cry, the first time the intelligent eyes of his uncle overflowed, the first time Fili saw steely resolve and determination turn vulnerable and fearful.

He'd dragged Fili into his arms again, smothering him against his strong chest while soundless sobs vibrated between them. Thorin spoke of sorrow for what had happened, apologies Fili didn't think needed to be spoken at all, and revenge to be sought post haste.

Thorin had held Fili close from light to darkness and back to light again. He expressed his rage with the disgusting dwarf who had taken advantage of Fili, but assured him he was not at fault.

It was the only time Fili had almost spilled out his heart to Thorin, had nearly confessed how Thorin made him feel inside his heart, inside his head, inside the entirety that was Fili. But he hadn't, still unsure of the true meaning of his love. He wondered now if divulging it then would have saved Fili the heartbreak that was his current life. Perhaps it would have given Thorin a little more time to see and appreciate Fili's true emotional connection and devotion to him. 

But Fili knew living in the past was not his path. He was intelligent enough to realize the yearnings of a dwarfling who never outgrew his wishes and longings could not be changed or cast aside. And he would never want that for himself anyhow. His love for Thorin was a part of him, a part that had always made him try harder, strive to be better. Thorin reflected all of Fili's desires, his accomplishments, his hopes and his dreams.

No, Fili wouldn't have had it any other way.

"Fili?" 

Peering up into Thorin's squinted blue eyes and having his uncle look at him with such concern blurred Fili's past with his present. He blinked to clear the fog just as Thorin wrapped a hand around his forearm.

"Are you all right? You have the look of...Fili, are you unwell?"

Fili found his voice again in a rush of apologies and embarrassments. "No. My apologies. I seem to have too much on my mind...nothing as to the worries on yours, of course...I'm sorry I'm taking up your time...please excuse me, Thorin..."

Thorin tightened his grip, bringing to mind the smattering of bruises Fili had received at Thorin's hands; bruises well-deserved and thoroughly enjoyed in the heat of passion and need. Fili had given as good as he received, but he'd been proud of the reminders of his and Thorin's couplings.

"You should get some rest. Can't have you falling ill during our journey. Do you wish me to send Oin to look you over? He may have some herbs or—"

Again Fili objected but his heart was light as he basked in the frantic worry Thorin was showering upon him. Of course, he'd more than likely do the same for everyone... 

"I promise I'm fine…just a little tired and light-headed. It's my own fault since I haven't eaten yet."

With a slow unclenching of fingers, Thorin released Fili's arm, and Fili felt the loss like ice to bare flesh. 

"My intent was to put you and Kili on first watch, but I'll assign that to Bofur and Bifur. Please have your meal and take better care of yourself."

"We can still do our watch, I'm not here to be coddled, Uncle, nor do I expect any special treatment."

"And you'll not receive any. The company does not need you dozing off during your shift. I intended to send Kili and Dwalin hunting in the early hours before we depart. He can rest the night and be more attentive if we proceed in such a way."

"Dwalin? He is a great warrior but not hunter. I always accompany Kili."

"Your brother needs to become more independent, as do you from him."

Confusion blocked all the good feelings Fili had been settling into. "I don't believe that to be the case. Kili has no dependence on me."

Thorin's brow furrowed. "I'm not separating the two of you, merely searching for ways to better everyone's duties, and determine where their strengths lie. You may take last watch with Balin."

Fili's thoughts batted back and forth between speaking what was truly on his mind or merely keeping the peace as had always been the case. Had Thorin's intentions seemed either fair or wise, Fili would have surely held his tongue.

"May I be frank?"

Thorin shifted his stance, crossing his arms over his chest as he squared his shoulders. Fili saw the hint of emotion in his eyes disappear as Thorin reestablished himself from uncle to king. "I encourage it with my men."

"I beg you not to punish Kili for things you hold against me. He may be my brother and your nephew, but he also has great potential to be a warrior."

"You speak of things I am already aware, and I'm not punishing Kili, or you for that matter. My instructions are not of a personal nature. You know I strive to keep the two separate."

"Yes, I do, but we three share more than a professional relationship, Uncle."

"Those ties have no bearing on this journey, Fili. The sooner we all adjust to that fact, the better."

Pain flashed in Fili's palm, the knife tucked in his pocket becoming damp between his fingers. "I understand. May I be the one to give Kili your new instructions?"

Thorin appeared to consider the idea, his body still strong but the tightness of his jaw loosening. "If you wish, but I expect he'll insist on speaking to me anyhow."

"I suspect the same."

With a final nod and rapid blinking of his eyes, Thorin turned away. Fili watched him go, posture-perfect as always, but the softening of his gaze as he appeared about to speak had been unmistakable. 

Fili crouched in front of his pack again, his lungs seeking more air than his throat could seem to provide. He felt like he couldn't breathe, the tingle of emotion behind his eyes forcing him to scrub at his face.

He pulled his hand from his pocket, the slickness of the knife telling him what he already knew. The cut wasn't deep and it was beyond Fili's intellectual capacity to understand how such a dull blade could slice through his calloused skin. He swept an old cloth from his pack across the wound, then pressed hard to stop the flow of blood.

It was no more than a scratch, but Kili would have questions—he always had questions. Fili wrapped the cloth tightly around his hand, tucking the end into his sleeve so it would remain in place. Had he not already been ashamed of his behavior, he would have slipped into his bedroll and feigned sleep since he was in no mood to either eat or speak to anyone. But he had responsibilities, just as had always been the case, and despite Thorin's disapproval of the team Fili and Kili considered themselves to be, Fili still believed they were better that way than apart.

After placing the knife back in the leather pouch then into his pack, Fili willed away the useless memories of Thorin and forced himself to his feet. He would eat his meal with his new dwarf brothers, speak to Kili in the most reasonable way possible, then carry out the rest of Thorin's wishes. He'd do as he was told, would obey and accept what needed to be done and what he needed do—but he certainly wouldn't like it.

~*~*~*~

They had both just tucked themselves into their bedrolls, the night air chilly as they pressed their backs together for warmth. Fili had broken the news of Thorin's wishes while they are around the fire with the slim hope Kili wouldn't overreact if others were around. He'd been correct, at least until they left the warmth of the fire.

"You instruct me to not act in a juvenile manner, yet is that not exactly what he is doing in forcing our separation?"

"That's not his intention, at least not in the way you're thinking."

"You don't believe that. I can read your heart in your eyes despite your attempt to shut me out."

"My beliefs or wishes are not important, Kili, at least not in this situation. Thorin is our leader, and it is our job to follow him. He has experience and intelligence, and neither of us will give him any reason to be disappointed. Do you understand what I am saying?"

"I understand you are defending actions that you otherwise would question had it been anyone else."

Fili sighed, pulling his blanket tighter around him. He pressed the palm of his hand to his thigh, the biting pain of his cut soothing his overtired mind. "Please, brother. Can you just make the attempt? If not out of duty or kinship, then for me?"

He felt Kili shift against him, the second, larger blanket they were sharing pulling away from Fili. Kili settled down again, the tip of his nose pressing into Fili's neck, his bursts of breath warming Fili's skin.

"It is not my intention to disappoint or disobey...usually, but I feel anger towards him that I don't quite understand. Do you not feel the same, Fee?"

Reaching behind his back, Fili secured one of Kili's hands between his own. He hauled Kili closer, bringing his hand and arm over himself then pressing their hands to his chest.

"I feel that and so much more."

A soft hush fell over the brothers and Fili let his eyes slip closed, happy to have the darkness take him.

"Is he your _One_ without doubt?" Kili had obviously not finished.

"You know he is."

With a sigh, Kili pressed his forehead to Fili's shoulder. "And did mother not speak often to us about finding our father and the love that bound them, that still binds her to him, because they were _One_ with each other."

"Of course."

"Then how is it that Thorin can deny you if you are really his _One_?"

That was the biggest question Fili had been struggling with—without resolution.

"I can't answer that. Life isn't always fair or predictable. As in anything else, there might be a discrepancy between the feelings of one soul mate to the other."

Fili just wanted to sleep, just forget his heart, his pain—forget Thorin for only a few hours.

Kili's voice was softer, filled with emotion. "Did he tell you he loved you when we were in Ered Luin?"

"Kili."

"Answer me, brother. I promise to dismiss the subject if you just offer me the truth."

"I am and have always been truthful with you. And your claim of dismissal is certainly not believable."

"I'll drop it for now then. I swear to Aule. Did he confess his love?"

After swallowing past the lump in his throat, Fili barely recognized the hoarse murmur of his voice. "Yes...he did."

"Was it simply during a moment of passion?"

"I thought we were dropping the subject now. It's late, Kili—"

"It's all part of the same question so what I said doesn't count until we're done."

"Then in the spirit of you breaking your word, I humbly decline to answer your question as I see no purpose to it."

Kili poked Fili in the chest and knocked their heads together. Had he always been such a persistent pest? Fili definitely did not need anyone else to answer that question.

"I shall just assume I'm right then. It is told that speaking words of love during those moments is common, but more likely than not, involves no honesty."

_Oh, for the love of Aule!_ "Who have you been talking to?"

"Bofur among others. No specifics, brother, just casual words between friends. Though I quite like Bofur." Kili paused and Fili wasn't sure he wanted to know exactly what he was getting at.

"So Thorin loves you when he lies with you? That's no testament of love at all."

Fili's brain exploded or maybe it was his heart—when Thorin was around Fili often found it hard to tell the difference. He didn't know what it was or where it came from, except it swept a rolling anger through his body. He struggled out from under Kili's arm, then shoved himself to a sitting position.

"It was not only at those times! You're stepping far to close to being over the line of respectability and privacy, Kili."

"I didn't know there was such a line between us." Kili's eyes were nearly as black as the darkness that surrounded them. Fili could just make out the purse of his lips and determination of his gaze under the light of the half moon.

"Gods!" Fili threaded his clothed hand over his disheveled hair. "I prefer you when you run amuck and I have to reel you in, to this over-concerned brother act."

"I'm always concerned."

Fili's heart softened and slowed. "I didn't mean it that way."

"Do you need me to look at your hand?" Kili wrapped his fingers around Fili's wrist, thumb brushing over the dried blood on the outside of the cloth.

"No. It's just a scratch."

Kili ignored Fili's claim. He unwrapped the length of material and tossed it to the ground beside him. "Did it happen because of him? Do you still carry his gift?" 

"How do you know that? Thorin is not responsible…"

Fili's words trailed off as he watched Kili reach behind his back, grabbing something from his pack as Fili simply remained still. It wasn't the first time one if them had tended to the other's injuries, and surely it wouldn't be the last. Kili's attention and touch was a soothing breath across the wrecked recesses of Fili's mind. 

He found himself staring in Thorin's direction as his uncle lay to the left of the fire. His eyes were open, his focus appearing to be on Fili until he snapped them closed. Fili flinched when cool liquid dribbled over his palm.

Kili poured a few more drops of water over Fili's cut, dabbing it with a clean tunic from his pack then wrapping a clean strip of the same fabric around Fili's hand. 

"I was always jealous of that knife. I even snuck it away a few times to play with it."

"You did? It's nothing more than a trinket really."

"Trinkets don't slice into your skin."

"It's nothing, Kee. And I don't believe Thorin would have trusted you with a knife at such a young age."

Kili laughed softly. It was a peaceful sound to Fili's ears after a long, stressful day. "He was probably right, but he did make me my first bow once I'd begged him for weeks to do so."

"That he did." Fili said. He flexed his arm, checking to be sure the makeshift bandage wouldn't come loose during the night. "Can we sleep now? Dawn will be here soon."

With a nod, Kili returned his canteen to his pack and settled onto his back, pulling the blankets up to his chin. "You still feel the same for him despite—"

"I'm sure I always will. I'm just…I just need you to let me handle this in the only way I know how."

"Even if it means living with a broken heart?"

Fili twisted so he faced his brother. "Yes, even then. Dying from a broken heart is only a legend. I think I'll learn to live with it, and the pain will lessen."

Kili turned his head, his smile sweet but sad under the moonlight. "Then you have my permission to use my shoulder, my arms and my heart whenever you need them."

Fili reached over and tucked Kili's unruly locks behind his ear. "And I am grateful for all of you. Can we sleep now?" 

Yes," Kili said. He flipped so his back was to Fili. "Before our king is yelling at us again."

"Kili."

"Teasing, brother. Are you still going to keep me warm or will you let me freeze to death?"

Fili flicked Kili on the top of the head, then wrapped an arm around his waist and snuggled in closer. "I don't believe warriors are suppose to cuddle."

"But we've not seen battle yet so it doesn't count."

"You always have an answer, don't you?"

Kili laughed before a yawn rattled his body and he pushed a little closer to Fili. "Sleep well. Perhaps tomorrow will bring more brightness into your life."

"I always have you to light up my day, Kee."

~*~*~*~


	4. Everyone has an opinion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm slow. I should have waited until I was ahead of the game to post this in the first place - but my excitement always gets the best of me. :)

Thorin's morning had started with the appearance of a Kili he hadn't seen much of since he was a dwarfling—headstrong, persistent and glaring. It also began with a mostly-destroyed bird being tossed at Thorin's feet.

"Unc--Thorin, might I have a word with you?" 

Kili's eyes were closer to black than brown as he stood arms crossed with his bow and quivers slung over one shoulder. Thorin snuck a peek around him just in time to see Dwalin shake his head and curse under his breath. Now what had the boy done? He stepped carefully over the desecrated fowl before answering.

"Of course, Kili. How did the hunt go?"

"Well, if you can split that measly bird into fourteen portions, then I believe it was a success." 

Thorin could see how much Kili was reeling himself in by the clenched set of jaw and the firm planting of his feet. Kili was always in motion in one way or another, and to have him stand in complete stillness for any length of time was a definite hint that there was trouble brewing. He had known the lad all his life after all, and despite Kili being a lot of very fine things, a good actor he was not.

"It didn't go well then?"

He wasn't trying to goad Kili, really he wasn't but...well, perhaps he was just a little. And truth be told, he had been expecting Kili to seek him out with regards to the change in duties for he and Fili as soon as his brother had broken the news. That the lad had been able to contain himself for so long was a mystery in itself, but also showed a new maturity in Kili, as well.

Kili expressed his lack of approval of Thorin's tactics with the flaring of his nostrils and a strong hiss. "It would have gone fine, just as it always does, had I been accompanied by someone who didn't walk like a troll out for a stroll."

"A rhyme…how amusing. I never took you for a poet, Kili." Thorin didn't try to smother the smirk that curled his lips. "I trust Dwalin is the troll of which you speak?"

"Surely you did not expect me to take down anything bigger than that…" Kili paused to dramatically thrust his hand at the bird behind Thorin. "Not after you switched him for Fili."

"I didn't realize you had a problem with Dwalin."

"A problem with…" Kili's growl was followed by a stiff shuffling of his feet. "I don't have a problem with him when he's not scaring off all my prey with his constant complaining and fumbling around." His face was a light shade of red by the time he'd hissed out the entirety of his words, the sheer intensity in how he tightly balled up his hands at his sides clearly showing his temper was on a short leash.

"Dwalin is a honed warrior, Kili. I don't believe a little hunt for game is a major endeavor for him. If you couldn't bring anything back it's best to just say so rather than making excuses."

Thorin wasn't entirely sure Kili's head would _not_ just pop off with the exertion he was putting into his well-practiced glare. He couldn't help being amused even though his nephew was clearly and determinedly struggling to control himself.

"There was game to be had, _Uncle_ , but your seasoned warrior saw to it that it all ran in the opposite direction."

"Is your bow out of alignment, sister-son?"

"Is my bow…Thorin!" He watched as Kili swiveled his head in both directions. "My bow is as fine as my aim…which is…fine…as well."

It pained Thorin that he'd slunk so low into the cluttered pain in his heart that seeing his nephew squirm made him feel just a tad better. "You look nervous. Did you not sleep well last night?"

"I'm not nervous. Why would I be nervous? I'm just…just…Aule's alive…I'm just upset that you put Fili on watch with Balin and gave me Dwalin to _not hunt_ with."

"Did Fili ask you to speak with—"

"No!" Kili's voice heightened to a higher octave as he cut off Thorin's words. "No," he repeated as he returned to his former register. "He would never ask me to do that."

"Then he is not the true meaning behind your upset?"

"Perhaps a little…but you aren't going to tell him I spoke to you…in this way, are you?"

"Is there a reason I should not?"

"No…of course not. I just don't want him…" Kili sighed, all his bluster seemingly deflated.

Thorin urged him along. "Want him to what?"

Kili sighed heavily. "He'll be angry if he knows I…spoke out of turn."

"He's not prone to anger though, is he? And is that what you're doing…speaking out of turn?"

"Not on purpose. I just don't understand why you had to change the way things were. Fili and I are a team. We work together well."

"But you won't always have the other to lean on, Kili."

"I am well versed in that fact, but I'd prefer to handle it when the time actually comes along, if you wouldn't mind taking it into consideration."

It was almost laughable how respecting Kili was trying to be, and had Thorin really needed a little more amusement in his day, he would have kept up his banter just to see his bright, confident nephew squirm a little more. But that would also make him a bastard, and Kili looked miserable enough already—plus, Thorin loved the lad dearly.

"Duly noted. I'll think about your request."

"Thank you."

With a slight bow, Kili turned away only to twist back around. "Thorin?"

"Yes."

"You know he'll always love you, and you could do no better than have him as yours?"

Thorin sighed. _The truth shall set you free, Kili._ "Would he encourage you to speak on his behalf?"

Kili shook his head, dipping his expressive eyes to the ground with a matching sigh to Thorin's. "No, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell him…if that's at all possible."

"You came to me as your king, did you not?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then what is said by a leader and his men stays between them."

"Thank you. I'll just go…do something…" Kili spun around again, his downtrodden figure too much for Thorin to bear.

"Kili," Thorin called out. Kili stopped in his tracks. "I know and believe what you said to be true. Thank you."

Without another word, Kili made his way to Fili while Thorin watched him retreat. He finally had to force his gaze from his nephews—at least one in particular when he realized he was staring far too hard.

~*~*~*~

Once they'd packed up camp, the company set out again with Thorin at the helm and Gandalf nattering effortlessly—endlessly—at his side. He noticed Fili and Kili had parted ways once they mounted their ponies—Fili riding alongside Ori while Kili stayed close to Bofur. They wore a matching looks of disapproval and uneasiness, but remained silent and apart as they rode.

Thorin missed the mischievous banter that had always accompanied him and his nephews when they'd gone on their own little excursions, though the circumstances were, of course, not the least bit similar. He'd relished the time he spent with them as if they'd been from his own loins, but the idea of having any dwarflings of his own had never been one that appealed to him. 

In fact, if he had at all considered the idea, it had merely been for the sake of producing an heir and not out of want to be a father. He assumed Fili and Kili had simply filled that piece of him, had been as close to fatherhood as Thorin had needed. But now he wondered if his heart hadn't already been trying to tell him something about his destiny—or what could be his destiny if he chose to accept it…his _One_ —Fili. Perhaps he hadn't longed for an heir of his own because his soul knew his fated one was indeed male so he had no need to plan a family.

There had been talk around Ered Luin—there was always talk—about the line of Durin dying out, and with regards to Thorin's supposed inability to satisfy any dwarf woman enough to court and marry, and hence provide an heir to the throne of Erebor. But Thorin had never been much for talk or innuendo, despite the occasional nagging session from his own sister on the subject.

After a few hours, Gandalf fell back to speak with Bilbo and was quickly replaced by Balin. His old friend nodded civilly at him before stroking his beard and squinting his eyes at Thorin.

Thorin glanced back suspiciously. He knew the twinkle in Balin's eye like it was the back of his hand. His old friend was up to something. "You have something to say?"

"Can't old friends simply ride in companionship without any ulterior motives?" Balin tried to slip Thorin an innocent grin, but to no avail. The twinkle in his eye was a dead giveaway.

"Not recently."

Balin laughed and Thorin was forced to surrender at least a little of his sour disposition. "Did you have any problems on watch this morning?"

"With Fili, you mean?"

"Not specifically, no."

"Sure about that?"

"What happened to quiet companionship?"

"You began the conversation, _my king_."

Thorin snorted out a chuckle, gazing with open affection at Balin. "There's always something on your mind when you bring out the king card."

"I may have noticed the boys aren't riding together, as well as the hangdog looks on their faces. Your responsibility, I assume?"

With a sweep of his hand, Thorin shook his head. "Not at all. I simply told them their duties would be performed with others rather than each other. I never spoke yay or nay about riding together."

Balin arched an eyebrow and pointed a thumb behind over his shoulder. "Kili has the look of a very angry Orc about him, and it's aimed right at your back."

"As long as he doesn't aim his bow as well, I think I'll be fine."

With another laugh, Balin faced forward again, one hand still tangled in his beard. It was a habit Thorin was well-versed in with his old friend. He had more to say, but Thorin beat him to the punch.

"It was my intention to speak with you and Dwalin with regards to something Dain confided to me when I visited the Iron Hills. I don't want to alarm the rest of the company on suspicion and second-hand information alone. It also has more to do with my nephews and I than the company itself."

Balin tutted and shook his head. "Aye, that company of which you speak is family now, Thorin. If it's a threat against you or the boys, it's a threat against us all."

Thorin nodded, stretching an arm to pat Balin on the shoulder. "Dualy noted."

"Well then tell me. What did Dain have to say after he cowarded out of our journey?"

"Balin," Thorin warned, smirking when Balin didn't bat an eye at his reprimand. He, Balin and Dwalin had been through everything together, and the brothers did not shy away from reminding Thorin of that very fact. 

"Dain informed me that a small group of his people came to him insisting he rise up against his Durin cousins in order that we would not be able to reclaim Erebor and her riches. They sought a chance to do so themselves—even if it was done by force."

Balin tsked a couple of times before he replied. "And you believe him then?"

"I have no reason not to. We have not always been on the best of terms, but he is still kin. It is more than just us who have mourned the loss this sixty years, and I believe the attraction of gold is more the bounty than Erebor herself."

"Aye, I'm with you there. And what did he do about these detractors?"

"Nothing." Thorin shook his head, unhappy with his own answer. "They disappeared before anything could be done, and Dain wasn't positive there was an actual threat."

"But you are?"

Thorin snuck a peek over his shoulder, his eyes unwittedly meeting Fili's. Fili smiled sadly then shifted his gaze. "It's been troubling me since I left the Iron Hills. I fear Fili and Kili would be a worthy target, more worthy than I."

"No, that I don't believe, though Fili would be a good guess since he is still young and first in succession. They'd just be best to do away with the whole lot of you."

An involuntary snort rolled from between Thorin's lips. "Thank you, Balin. Much appreciated."

Balin huffed out a laugh. "Don't get your knickers in a knot. You and your princes are never alone, and those boys of yours are fighters. None of you will come to any harm as long as we're all together, but perhaps you best keep a closer eye on Fili."

Thorin accidentally pulled up on his reins. Minty whinnied her reply then thrust her head up, knocking Thorin off balance and nearly tumbling him to his arse on the ground,

"Steady, lad." Balin offered his hand, but Thorin righted himself again in no time. 

He peered out of one eye at the smirk on Balin's face. "Fili? I've no idea what you—"

"Did we not already debate the subject of old fools? You've been the only one in that lad's eye since he was old enough to think, and fighting it will do you both no good in the greater scheme of things."

"How did you—" Balin's grin widened, his old eyes crinkling up with amusement. "Balin, I swear, if you so much as breathe a word of..."

"How I knew is because I haven't always been blind as a bat, and why would I tell a soul? It's not been confirmed except in the mind of an old dwarf who needs a reading glass to perform his duties. You can view my words as hypothetical at best, or simply mad rumblings at worst."

"Thank you." 

His hope was that Balin would drop the conversation so he could ride in silence and attempt to calm the rapid pounding of his heart. Hopes rarely saw fit to come true.

"I cannot believe you never saw through the lad before. For as far back as I can remember, Fili has looked at no one but you. How on earth did you finally see it?"

Thorin considered ordering Balin to the back of the pack, a seemingly easy solution to an answer he did not wish to give. Of course, short of Thorin wrangling him back there himself, Balin would no doubt just remain where he was anyhow.

"I spent eight months in Ered Luin this past year."

"Aye, with Fili?"

Denial or even hesitation seemed futile. "Yes, now can we just drop—"

"The lad catch you off guard, did he?"

"Balin…"

"And you just happened to allow him to do so."

Thorin tightened his hold in his reins. "I did not allow—"

"You said no then?"

"No."

"Would that be a no to you said no, or no to what Fili said?"

"Mahal's bollocks, Balin! I said yes. Is that what you wish to hear?" Thorin paused, his heart trembling as he relived the moment of shock and indecision, and just how easy it had been to accept Fili's claim. 

Balin tutted his tongue before reaching a hand to pat Thorin again. "You honestly never knew until you came to be in Ered Luin this last time?" 

Balin had lost the broad smile, replaced by a familiar look that Thorin recognized after so many years—concern and support. Perhaps it was time to speak the truth to someone else. Thorin gently shook his head, purposely examining the trail ahead so Balin couldn't divest the true emotion behind his answer. 

"No. I never had reason to consider it so it is obviously not where my true feelings lie."

Balin huffed about a breath. "Nay, I don't believe that. My cousin didn't know his nephew was his _One_ until the boy confessed it. Same with the barkeep at the old pub I frequented. He's very happy with his nephew, but as the boy was growing up he had no idea there was more than love for kin in his heart. Perhaps, it's just one of the ways a cherished coupling works." 

"That's not what I wanted to hear…and you have no proof to even propose such a thing."

"Why? Because it doesn't suit you? Would you prefer I coddle your misguided thoughts and righteous indignation as if I were only a sheep in the middle of your flock?"

"You know that is not my wish, old friend."

"Then take my words for what they are, Thorin. Perhaps they'll supply you with some hope for your pained heart."

"My heart is not pained."

Balin shrugged a shoulder then snuck a peek behind him. Thorin suspected he was gazing at Fili.

"Aye, you can go on denying what should be the best feeling in your life, better than all the gold in Erebor or the weight of a crown encircling your head. But that won't make it not so."

"It's not as simple as you may think."

"No, I don't believe it is, but I'm envious of anyone who has been given such a blessing in their life. I'd not be here if I had a love so strong to stow my heart away in."

"I believe you would still be at my side." Thorin chuckled and Balin quickly joined in.

"Aye, maybe. But I would have been harder to convince."

Thorin paused, thoughts bouncing off the walls of his skull as he sought to form his emotions into words. He knew Balin would never pass judgment on anything he said, but that didn't mean the words simply tumbled out without justification. 

"If the feeling has developed so fast for me, there is also chance it will wane inside Fili until it's no longer prevalent or necessary."

"That sentence doesn't have a lick of logic, and even if it did I wouldn't believe it, and neither do you. Not after the boy has been true and devoted to you his whole life.

"I was not his first."

Balin reached over and cuffed Thorin behind the ear. "Now you're just being difficult. You know the slapping of flesh is not that of which I speak."

Thorin tried not to look shocked as he ignored the Balin's crude comment. It wasn't at all like Balin to be so direct, but he did seem a little hyped up over the conversation. "He's too young."

"Bollocks. If he's old enough to ride on this journey, not to mention do something as adult as confessing his feelings to a dwarf who practically raised him, and without knowledge of whether those feelings would be returned, then he's old enough to be with whom he loves."

Thorin shook his head indignantly. He wondered if respecting his elders had to include those who were old—and often annoying—friends. Perhaps kings were exempt altogether. "Taking him as my own will only put him in more danger. It will also force him into a relationship with an older, self-focused member of his own family, thus not allowing him to make his way out into the world on his own."

"As you said, you were not Fili's first, and the danger follows him wherever he goes with the name of Durin stamped across his forehead."

"I am not the match Fili needs."

"Having a beloved is not representative of matching physical attributes or even social standing. It's about love, Thorin. It's about feeling whole where you've always felt needing. Do you feel that? Do you feel Fili filling the missing piece in your heart?"

Thorin sighed long, heavy, while he dipped his head for a moment. There was an uncomfortable burning of tears behind his eyes, a tingling of emotion in his throat, an ache of want pulsing strong in his heart. Or perhaps all his symptoms were simply part of the realization of Balin's truth.

He felt like a dwarfling being reprimanded. Was that how he'd made Fili feel with his lecture at Bag End? "Perhaps we will have a private chat tonight when there is more…privacy."

Balin nodded. "I shall prepare myself for the river of denial."

"Old friend, you shall never truly be old with that gem-encased mind of yours." 

"So be it." Balin fell back, leaving Thorin alone with his thoughts.

~*~*~*~

Thorin was both impressed and downhearted by his nephews' efforts to please him and be dutiful. But truth be told, he missed the mischievous side to Fili and Kili's characters—mostly Kili's since he'd been the one to cause the most unrest and entertainment when he was in full-on Kili mode. Thorin could see he was striving hard to fulfill his new role of adulthood, and though a case could be drawn that Thorin had wanted to see exactly that purpose from his youngest nephew, in his heart of hearts he mourned the passing of the fiery, disheveled youngster Kili had been.

He was obviously still disheveled with his lack of braids and hair always in a tousle, and the fire still raged behind the deep brown of his eyes, but the old Kili would not have given up so easily with the outcome of Thorin's decision. The Kili of his youth would have held his ground and argued his points until he was out of breath, or until Fili had to drag him kicking and screaming away before Thorin threatened for the last time to tan his behind. His respect and hesitation in addressing the issue had obviously been a direct courtesy to Fili and his urging of decorum.

And Fili…Thorin missed him in a totally unrelated way, both the Fili of old with his easy smile and agreeable attitude, and the Fili of the past year with his passion and certainty. Thorin had fought to keep their coupling from his mind, turning it instead to all the reasons why their relationship should not even be considered. But he'd lost the battle the moment they'd set off from Bag End, the moment Fili had stepped away from Thorin's touch. The realization of just how far Fili had burrowed under his skin and set up camp in his heart wasn't an easy one, nor did it change the stubborn set of Thorin's mind.

He told himself the feelings would pass, that he wouldn't feel so lonely and restless once the facts settled into his heart, thus replacing Fili's presence there, or at the least making it less painful. He was a strong dwarf, the unfortunate events of his life had sought to make him that way and succeeded in every aspect—except the yearning for Fili's love.

Thorin wasn't entirely sure what he'd expected to happen when he came face-to-face with Fili at Bag End. He supposed he hadn't really thought about it much in light of all the other things weighing heavily on his mind. There certainly had been no preconceived plan of pushing Fili away or planting such a deep wedge between them—because he honestly hadn't expected Fili's eyes to be so filled with love, let alone his every breath striking a chord straight to Thorin's heart.

It was juvenile really, to have believed Fili's assertion that Thorin was his _One_ would just blow away with the breeze once they were no longer together. And he'd hadn't thought that way because he didn't believe the words that had poured from Fili's heart—because he most assuredly did—but perhaps a desire to not believe…no, to not want them to be truthful had been set in motion the moment he left Fili behind in Ered Luin. 

Disappointing his oldest nephew had always been like a thorn in Thorin's paw since Fili had forever been patient and forgiving, even as a young dwarf. He hadn't been perfect by any means, but Thorin had long believed Fili to have an old soul full of wisdom beyond his years. Why those thoughts and more with regard to Fili had never alerted Thorin to his true feelings toward him was something he could not explain.

Thorin was eternally grateful that Fili had Kili at his side, defending his honor despite not wanting or needing the gesture. His steely hope was in believing if he continued to tell himself not to love Fili—to simply stay focused on what needed to be done—that eventually his heart would stop encouraging him to look inside its walls for the truth. Unfortunately, after only two days with Fili so close he could taste him, Thorin's thoughts were on little else but Fili. He feared the stubbornness of his heart would continue to make moot the logic he preferred to have spinning inside his brain—as well as all the arguments and excuses he made up to try to tamp down his true feelings.

Memories of them together had become a constant fixture in Thorin's mind, sitting uncomfortably alongside the so-called logic that was supposed to be keeping it away. Even the knowledge that now would be the worst time to make such an important decision didn't distract the steely course of his heart with Fili at its helm. Perhaps Balin was right. Perhaps Thorin needed to view Fili more as an adult who could make his own choices and decisions, rather than the golden-haired dwarfling who followed his uncle around. If anyone should know the maturity level Fili had reached, it was Thorin.

He moved to sit against the rocks, tilting his head back and letting his weary eyes slip closed. It's wasn't a matter to be solved overnight or in some quick thrust of frustration, but maybe the solution did lie in Thorin's view of Fili now as opposed to when he was young. It was something to be mulled over in the least. Thorin figured he owed Fili that much and more since he'd been trying so hard to be respecting and responsible.

As he settled himself more comfortably against the stone, Thorin realized he had somehow turned his own mind—with Balin's help, of course—to that which had seemed utterly implausible and impossible before. Or perhaps seeing Fili in the new light of responsibility and honor had changed his mind for the better. 

At least that's what Thorin believed until he next opened his eyes to hear the worried voice of the hobbit.


	5. Seeking the Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're all enjoying the story. I love the comments so please keep them coming - they definitely feed my bossy muse. And I'm so happy you're all liking Balin - he's been so fun to write. ;)

_Mahal's balls!_

Why did Fili always let Kili lead where Fili knew not to go. Blaming his brother was the easy way out, but the look on Thorin's face, the anger and disgust that seeped from his voice had Fili feeling like a chastised student. 

The disappointment in Thorin's eyes was even harder for Fili to withstand than the curt, casual attitude he'd been using with him. It was far worse because Fili knew Thorin did not easily forgive—and never forgot—anyone who disrespected the heritage of his family. 

Living through Thorin's stories had been the only way he and Kili could imagine there being a life outside of the tiny three-roomed home they'd always known. There was no way of counting how often Thorin had spoken of the honor and importance of not letting the hardships of his family—grandfather, father, brother, brother-in-law—be forgotten. And just how many times had he mourned the battle with the pale Orc and the massacre at Moria? 

_"You know nothing of the world_."

Thorin was right. The only world Fili and Kili knew was the one they'd spent their whole lives hoping to get away from—Kili with his adventurer's spirit and Fili with his wish to follow Thorin to the ends of the earth itself. 

When Thorin had been near, Fili and Kili had eaten, slept, and breathed the events that had led Thorin and the rest of them to Ered Luin. He'd always been ready to instill in them the importance of seeking out their heritage and reclaiming their birthright. And once Fili understood the true nature of his feelings for his uncle, he'd dreamed of little else except standing at Thorin's side when they rediscovered their home.

To jest of such dire circumstances was unforgivable, even though Thorin's battle with the Orcs had been the furthest thing from their minds. They'd only wanted to strike-up some excitement in the heart of the nervous hobbit. Instead, Fili was left with even greater animosity between him and Thorin, and Kili remained dumb on the entire thing.

"It was my fault. I'll go talk to him."

Fili took one last puff on his pipe before tapping it roughly on one of the stones in front of the fire. "And what good do you think that will do? I know you've been like a fly buzzing in his ear since we left Bag End, and I certainly don't need you to fight my battles for me."

Kili huffed out a heavy breath. "Why are they always your battles?"

"Because I'm the elder and should know better." Fili didn't know what the look of rage was on Kili's face and he wasn't entirely sure he wanted justification on the matter. "I'll talk to him. It's my place, not yours."

"That's dung and you know it! He's my uncle, too, and, if anything, I should be the one apologizing!" Kili's voice rose uncomfortably in Fili's ears, the sound bouncing off the rocks, and unfortunately, reaching the always-curious hobbit's ears, as well.

Bilbo approached them, stepping around the fire then pausing to twist his hands in front of his belly. One eye squinted at Fili and Kili, the other seeming to twitch right along with the tic he'd developed in the corner of his mouth. Fili sighed before forcing a tight smile.

"Something you need, Bilbo? I'm sorry about what just happened. Kili and I—"

"Oh, never mind that. Did you say uncle just now? Did Kili say uncle?"

With a brief look at Fili, Kili gestured Bilbo closer. "We didn't know it was to be kept secret," he said as he shuffled his body to sit alongside Fili against the stone cliff.

"Thorin is your... you're Thorin's... you're...

Balin suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Yes, laddie. They're Thorin's sister's sons. Direct heirs to the throne of Erebor. Fili will succeed Thorin if ever the need arises. I don't believe it was kept out of your knowledge on purpose."

With a cock of his head, Bilbo fluttered his arms out to the sides. "So everyone knows but me?" The fluster of responding "ayes" made him twirl around in a circle, hands holding his head as his mouth moved without any words coming out.

"It makes no difference on the journey, Bilbo. We're just part of the company as is everyone else," Fili offered. The anxious state of their burglar worried him since Bilbo was so close to the fire, and not the most graceful even under normal circumstances. "Perhaps you should sit down for a spell, you know...away from the fire."

"No! No…no, I'm fine. So what of Thorin's wife and child? You both...well, all of you, sound so sure that Fili, or Kili I suppose, will take Thorin's place."

There was a chorus of "Thorin's what?" before Bilbo even finished speaking.

Kili was the first to snap his jaw closed and form a coherent sentence—which was a bit of a shock in itself. "Why do you think he has a wife?" 

Fili felt his own mouth drop open but he couldn't find a damn word in his head.

Bilbo rolled his lips and shook his head. "Wife…mistress…whatever you want to call her. I don't know that he's actually married, but there's rumor he and his _boy-prince_ have a ransom on their heads. So the assumption of course is that the boy means son and the prince means son so therefore there must be a son and a wife…or mistress or…whatever. Fili, are you all right? You look a little pained and your eyes are all squinty. Should I get Gloin? Or....no…Oin is the healer one?"

Fili stood up quickly, his pipe rattling to the ground as he moved to face Bilbo. He swallowed the misguided anger that clogged his throat, instead choosing to go the diplomatic route. "A rumor you say? And where exactly did you hear such a rumor?"

"Fili—" Kili began as he moved to stand alongside him. Fili stopped him with a single point of his finger.

"Someone from Bag End had just been on a journey of their own…huh, imagine that, two journeys in the same village. I'm sure that must be a record or something since we hobbits are not known—"

"Bilbo!" Fili said with a tad too much emphasis. "A journey to where?"

"You mean the other hobbit?"

Fili felt his temper seeping very close to the surface of his untidy nerves. Had Kili not grabbed his shoulder, he knew what he would have uttered would not have been diplomatic or majestic—something Thorin was constantly on them about being. Instead, he shifted his stance, licking across his dry lips while Bilbo rocked back on his heels and mumbled to himself. Hobbits were strange creatures.

"Yes, the other hobbit."

"Um…let me think. Think…think…think. Oh! I believe they were in the Iron Hills district. For what reason I don't know."

With a significant amount of patience intact, Fili moved the conversation ahead. "And there was talk of a threat to Thorin and…his wife and son?"

"Uh huh. Uh huh, I'm not sure a wife was ever mentioned. I might have assumed there was one since the term boy-prince was used. Perhaps Thorin has a daughter that looks like a boy?"

Fili stepped in front of his brother, who tried to grab Bilbo about the collar. Kili was seething on the outside much the same as Fili was on the inside.

"And the threat, Bilbo? What was mentioned about that?" 

Fili snuck a peek at Balin, who did indeed seem shocked at the wife and son part of Bilbo's ramblings, but not the threat and ransom part. He wouldn't meet Fili's gaze, and Fili knew it was time to take his questions to a higher power—the majestic king himself.

Fili stepped to the side, intent on going around Bilbo, but he was paused in his determined task by the hobbit moving to block his path. "Does this mean he has a child but no wife, or a wife but no child?"

"He has neither," Fili hissed. It was unintentional and uncalled for but necessary with all the nerves Fili could feel rising to tickle just beneath his skin.

Bilbo held his position, stroking a hand across his bare chin and poking out his bottom lip. "Then who was the boy-prince he was mucking about with in Ered Luin?"

With a steely growl, Fili pushed Bilbo aside, apologizing to no one in particular when Bilbo fell face first into Kili. Luckily Kili caught him without any damage, not that Fili cared since his thoughts were already some place else with someone else.

~*~*~*~

Fili's jealous anger reached the boiling point as soon as Thorin was in his sight. It was highly unusual for him, but he felt justified just the same. Thorin stared at him with disdain in his eyes as he approached.

"Should I maintain my assumption that I'm the boy-prince you were mucking about with or do you have a child that I'm unaware of? Or another _boy_ , perhaps?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. I was resting, just as you should be." Thorin closed his eyes, his own off-hand of dismissing Fili. Fili was having none of it.

"Don't brush me away, Thorin. I know you have the ears of a bat and have heard everything that was just said."

Thorin's eyes snapped open, his voice rumbling deep in his chest. "Lower your voice."

"And if I don't, what will you do? Punish me? I believe you are already managing that task quite successfully."

"I'm not…it's late, Fili. Go back to your brother and let him coddle you. You'll find none of that here."

Fili dropped to a crouch, inches away from Thorin—so close he felt, as well as heard, the stuttering intake of breath as he startled Thorin into attentiveness. "Uncle, king, leader or not, you don't have the right to speak to me that way."

"You're out of line. Step back."

"As your heir apparent, I might abide by your command, but as your nephew and tossed-aside lover, I have the option not to."

"Whatever has gotten into you tonight? Did you not already suffer my disappointment and anger? Why do you seek more?"

Thorin's blue eyes forged holes into Fili's matching gaze, but the jealous fire still shone bright and green in Fili's heart, and his uncle's wrath would not stand in his way.

"I don't, and I apologize for my earlier behavior, but Kili and I were honestly not trying to offend or ridicule our heritage. It was a simple mistake, bred from the lateness of the hour and the nervousness of the hobbit."

"Mistake? You can't possibly expect me to believe that. It was irresponsible and cruel."

Fili sucked back his own disdain and rage, shutting them up with all the other unresolved feelings he'd been bottling since Thorin's rejection. It was the first time he'd considered it in that light, but making a long story short, that was exactly what it felt like when Thorin had ripped his heart out and tossed away. 

He let his bottom drop to the ground, sitting cross-legged just to the side of Thorin. He wouldn't be run off as easily as he had been before. He had a valid question that did not involve love or heartache, and he intended to get an answer.

He fingered the knife buried deep in his pocket, summoning strength and courage before he spoke. "What of the ransom and threat, Thorin? Have you heard the same? Has your life indeed been threatened?"

Thorin kept his lips clamped shut, his jaw stubborn and rock solid. What Fili wouldn't have done to take Thorin's face between his hands and kiss him into submission in that very moment, just as he had the first time he'd confessed his love. But it was neither the time nor place for that, and focus was far more important than the jumble of writhing emotions that threatened to lock his chest up like a dwarf's precious box of gold. If Thorin wanted to be stubborn, Fili was perfectly fine with waiting him out.

The call of another warg filled the air, and Fili watched as Thorin's body flexed and released, quickly, but noticeable to Fili all the same. He searched Thorin's eyes, despite their far-off gaze, but found nothing except loss and steely determination. Would it not be better if they worked as one rather than two separate beings butting heads in the face of a shared adversity? Fili found it so, but Thorin was a completely different matter based on wounded pride and misguided passions. Not that Fili would ever tell him that.

"Dain told me much the same as the burglar."

As he squeezed the knife tighter, Fili was careful to not let the sharp edge nudge against his already-cut palm. "He said what exactly?"

"They want Erebor, or her gold more likely than not. They don't wish for us to reclaim her, and will go to any length to see it not so."

Fili fingered one of his mustache beads, his hands needing to be occupied so they had no cause to grab Thorin in one of two possible ways. "Dain told you this, but you never deemed it important enough to share with those of us involved in the danger?"

"Don't push it, Fili. I'll not have you being completely disrespectful whether in the capacity of prince or nephew."

"Or lover." The words were out before Fili could contain the thought. "I'm sorry. That's not what this is about."

"And I never tossed you aside," Thorin hissed. "You know not of the pain I suffer from knowing I hurt you."

"And that's part of the problem, can you not see that? I love you, Thorin—"

"Fili…"

"I'll say my piece if I have to sit here until daybreak because the pain you feel from hurting me is ten-fold in my heart."

Thorin rested his head against the stone facing, his eyes slipping shut as he gnawed on his lower lip. Fili's insides ached a little more at the sight of the strong, beautiful man-of-his-heart suffering just as he was. He reached for Thorin's hand, eternally grateful his touch was not rebuffed or batted away. 

All things considered, he didn't allow himself to linger long, just a simple brushing of his thumb over Thorin's knuckles. It was enough to wind Fili up inside, making him both hopeful, but full of grief at the same time.

"I mean no disrespect, and the subject of what happened between us won't be brought up again…for now. But please…trust in your company. Trust in those who surround you with loyalty and honor. You're not an army within yourself as you felt for so many years. If there is a threat, it's a danger to us all."

"And more so to you." Thorin's words were barely audible, just off the tip of his tongue and into Fili's ears, the only one who needed to hear them anyway. They engaged Fili's anger again.

"Is that what this is all about? You see me more in harm's way if I not only stand beside you, but lay with you, as well?"

"You said the subject was closed."

"I lied." Fili cocked his head, his gaze focused on Thorin's downturned face until he finally looked up. "If I didn't think for one second that you would command me to return to Ered Luin for mutiny, I would be tempted to beat some sense into you."

"I would never, and neither would you."

Thorin had a point but his dismissing attitude still had no affect on Fili. "Does Balin know? Dwalin? Everyone but Kili and I?"

"Balin has ways of securing information one doesn't want to confess."

Fili knew it to be true—Balin, though blessed with a heart of gold, was a dodgy old warrior. "So we proceed with more caution than we'd planned, yes?"

"I don't know how factual any of the information is—"

"But you trust Dain?" Thorin nodded but didn't reply. "Then I trust in your judgment in _almost_ all things, just as you have to trust in me whether in the capacity of heir apparent, nephew or… _Cherished One_." Thorin visibly squirmed at the word, but Fili had to respect his restraint…finally.

"If you honestly consider me as your underling to the throne, you have the responsibility to keep me informed whether we wear crowns of gold or hoods of rain and dirt."

"Are you finished?"

Fili considered the question for a moment, loosing the knife from between his fingers and pulling his hand from his pocket. "Yes."

"Good because I've had quite enough of your and your brother's attitude today."

"Attitude?"

"Now if it suits your highness, I'd like to get some rest."

With a shake of his head, Fili crawled to his feet. _Stubborn, egotistical._ All things he'd known about Thorin even before he'd lain in his bed. He tipped his head, twisting away from Thorin as he twirled a mustache bead between his fingers and pondered one last thing.

He didn't turn back while he aired his thought. "One more question?"

He waited impatiently for Thorin to answer, his belly knotting tightly as the few heartbeats seemed to drag on. Finally Thorin replied with a simple, "What?" 

"Was there another man in Ered Luin...another boy? It's not my right to ask…but I'm asking all the same." It pained him to pose the question, and the ache only deepened with Thorin's hesitation.

"No."

It was on the tip of Fili's tongue to ask if there had instead been a man or even a woman, but he willed his feet to step one in front of the other rather than embarrass himself—or Thorin—any more. The quiet utterance of his name made him pause again, his back straightening but remaining turned to Thorin.

"There has been neither woman, man nor boy in too many years to count."

Fili forced himself to breathe, unaware of how long he'd been holding his air in the anticipation of Thorin's statement. He was unsure of how he felt about the confession—good or bad, hopeful or alarmed, but it was still an unmarked step.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For finally being honest."

~*~*~*~

Seeing that Kili was boisterously, and loudly, regaling Bilbo with stories of Thorin's time with them—something Fili was sure would bite Kili in the arse eventually—Fili headed toward the ridge where it was quiet and he could be alone with his thoughts. He should have known it was wishful thinking.

"Good show, laddie."

Fili twisted his head to see Balin standing behind him, pipe hanging vicariously out one side of his mouth while the other side was turned up in an impish grin. "Pardon me?"

"You stood up to him like none I've seen before, except perhaps Dwalin and I." Balin motioned to the spot of earth beside Fili. Fili nodded and shuffled over a little—as if he really had a choice in the matter.

"Well, you're welcome to relieve me of the task again. I'm the one who'll be getting all the crap duties around camp now for my _good showing_."

"I don't believe so."

"Then excuse my bluntness, Balin, but you're off your bloody arse."

Balin laughed, head thrown back as he clutched his belly. Fili might have been amused at the sight had he not been so determined to maintain his bad mood.

"Careful, he might put you down to horse dung duty, as well, if he hears you laughing."

With a final snort, Balin sucked on his pipe. "Needless to say the old bugger doesn't scare me. We've been through far worse, he and I, and Dwalin too, of course. His bark is far worse than his bite. You should know that."

"I used to think I did, but I'm not so sure anymore." Fili reached into his pocket, his fingers coming up empty when he realized he'd left his pipe by the fire. He settled for taking the knife out and rolling it between his fingers. He'd never been so careless before, having not even exposed his foolish keepsake in front of Kili, but now Balin…perhaps he hadn't noticed.

"I remember when Thorin made that for ya," Balin confirmed Fili's worry with a wink. "Ah come on, lad. You don't have to hide it from me. I'll neither judge you nor go spreading your personal business about." 

He tipped to the side, his own hand shoving into an inside pocket of his coat. He wiggled something in front of Fili who opened his hand and received it. He was confused by the object at first, holding it up closer to his eye as he squinted in the dim light of the moon. He turned to Balin who was smirking like Bombur at an all-you-can-eat feast.

"A ring? It's very beautiful, Balin."

"Aye. It belonged to the only man I ever loved—given to me by him."

Fili tried to prevent his jaw from hitting the ground but he was too late. "A man? You loved a man?"

"Don't look so shocked, laddie. I was quite the catch in my time."

With a genuine grin—the first of the past couple of days that he wouldn't get reprimanded for—Fili handed Balin back the ring. "It's lovely, and I'm sure you were, and still are. Didn't you once tell us you'd never found your _One_?"

"He wasn't that, but he was very special to me."

"Was?"

"He was killed in the Battle of Moria, alongside many other great men."

Fili's breath hitched in his throat. "I'm sorry, Balin. Kili and my recklessness must have upset you, as well."

"No. I've come to terms with Jorio's death long ago."

"But you must still feel as bitter and raw as Thorin does."

"I've not suffered loss of the same magnitude that Thorin did that day, but I keep this for that very purose, lad. To remember my lover was lost saving my life—and he did you know? Stepped in front of a blade meant for me. Jorio was a lively soul, much like your brother Kili. He wouldn't have wanted for me to continue mourning him after so many years." He paused to carefully place the ring back in his pocket. "But it still remains with me always."

"But why do you not wear it? Do Thorin and Dwalin know?"

"Of course, but putting it on my finger is still too painful after all these years. So I keep it with me so I might call on its strength now and again."

With a sigh, Fili examined the knife in his hand. Such a confession surely deserved a return, and he was tired of keeping everything to himself. "I do the same—for kinship reasons, of course. Thorin is as close a father as I've ever known."

"Aye, and am I under the correct assumption that the angry bear that is our king doesn't know?"

"That would truly be useless information to him."

Balin clucked his tongue. "I meant what I said back there. There's no dwarf I'd rather follow than he, but that doesn't mean I'm blind to his faults and moods. I've known him far too long to dismiss everything he does as planned and thought out."

"I'm not sure I know what you're getting at, Balin."

"Take yourself for instance…"

"Why would I be the _for instance_?" Fili tried to swallow the anticipatory feeling of dread, but it lodged tight in his throat.

"Because you're the closest to his heart, Fili." 

Fili's own heart stuttered, and it must have been clear on his face since Balin's hand immediately wrapped around his shoulder. 

"Are you all right, laddie?"

Fili dipped his head, intent on hiding his tell-all face from Balin's steely gaze. "Yes. I should go back to Kili now. I'm supposed to be on watch."

"There are plenty around to keep your brother busy."

"I'm sorry but I really need to—"

"I know a thing or two about this and that. I remember in Ered Luin when you and Kili were small. Thorin and I always knew when your mother needed a break so we'd take you off to fish or bird watch, or even have a picnic in the woods."

Fili had no idea what Balin was trying to get at, but he liked the memories that appeared in his head far better than the reality that lay before him. "Those were always special adventures for Kili and me."

"Aye. We didn't have a lot, and we wanted and prayed for more, but we made due with what we had. Times may have been hard, but through the joys of family we did our best, and as such, were happy. Times are different now. Nothing is certain and everything we know will be no more as we walk further into the darkness. Thorin has more to deal with than any of us, more riding on his shoulders—the weight of the mountain if you will—more to lose and more to gain."

"Balin. I mean no disrespect, but I don't believe he would like me speaking of him with you."

"I've never known you to be anything but respectful, and that's saying a lot since I've always felt as if you were one of my own."

Heat seared Fili's cheeks but for once it was a nice feeling. "Thank you."

"But I know and understand that of which you worry, and I highly recognize his moods after all these years. All I mean to say is things may not be as they seem with Thorin right now, and I believe what he needs most is for you to not give up on him."

Fili's answer was swift, to the point and bordering on disrespectful. "I believe you've not had enough sleep as of late. You seem delirious or perhaps unaware of that which you speak."

"Oh, I'm aware. As I said, I've known you since you were a babe in your mother's arms, and I'm certainly not judging how you've always looked at him, felt about him. These things are born of fate, not dwarf or man-made, neither are they forced circumstances. Do you mean to give up on him, laddie?"

"I would never do that. He's my uncle and I'm his heir, and we're forever connected as such."

Balin stroked a hand over his beard, his eyes twinkling as he gazed into Fili's. "I may be old, but I'm not an old fool. I know what he is to you, what he's always been, so please honor me with the truth or would you rather I sweep it under the rug as he is trying to do? Everyone needs someone to talk to once and a while."

"There is nothing for him to sweep, and I do have Kili to talk to."

"Aye, that's obvious with the attitude he's been throwing Thorin's way. He's a little too close to the situation, is he not?"

"What do you want me to say, Balin?"

"Have you succumbed to Thorin's stubbornness?"

"Since you've already seem to think you've unearthed my true feelings, and the situation involved, then you must also know I've always believed him to be my _One_. That's not something that goes away, nor do I want it to be. But it's not up to me. I'm not the one who has given up or perhaps…perhaps, I misjudged how he felt all along."

Balin snorted, then tapped Fili's arm with his pipe. "I don't believe you have since he did not turn you away at the time, am I right?"

"As you already seem to know, yes."

"Then since I know he'll kick himself into a tantrum when he finds out that I've spoken to you about this—so there's no reason I shouldn't be completely honest in my words. He loves you and Kili as if you were his own—always has, always will—but in my heart I know his love for you transcends that of a nephew. That's a heavy burden for him to carry, you must understand. Especially right now. I've known him all my life and I would wager everything I am that he will see you as you truly are— _his Only_ —if you let him discover it for himself."

Fili dipped his head, toying with a loose string on his coat. "There is nothing to be discovered. I only wish to serve him in any way I can."

"You're better than that, lad."

Squinting his eyes, Fili took in the serious expression on Balin's face. "Better than a prince whose only desire is to make his king proud?"

"No, better than a dwarf who gives up on the love in his heart."

Filled turned his head from Balin, hissing his words out into the darkness of the valley below. "Life does not always hand us choices. I believe my uncle used to say that when Kili and I failed to get that which we wanted. And did you not tell us that not everyone is blessed with the discovery of finding the one that will become your only?"

"Aye, but If you remember that from your youth, then you must consider its meaning, as well. Life has not handed you a choice in who you love, Fili, so there is no decision for you to make. I've not been lucky enough to find my heart's desire, but I have come close to feeling what I see so clearly shown in your eyes. If you truly believe you have no choice in whether Thorin allows his love for you to blossom, then you also have no choice in whether you shall wait or give up."

"I don't understand your point, Balin."

"I suppose I may not have a logical one but allow an old dwarf hope that true love has not died along with respect and good tidings. Then I shall continue to hope you let yourself keep your own dream nestled in your heart next to your love for Thorin."

Fili licked across his lips, shoving the knife back in his pocket then rocking forward onto his knees. "And how do you suggest I do that when he offers me little more than a cold shoulder and a reminder that I am young, foolish, and beneath him."

"Do just as you did tonight, lad. Give him a run for his gold."


	6. Unwanted advice & memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashback at the end - hopefully a nice one. :)

Thorin thought he knew Fil from the inside out, like he was an actual part of himself, but his outburst had come as a complete surprise. Whether Thorin was more upset or modestly proud, he wasn't certain. 

He had seen the burn of rejection blur the edges of Fili's blue eyes when he and Kili had been chastised about their orc sharing with Bilbo. He saw the signs of Fili's heart suffering another blow with the way his face fell, his eyes muddied with pain and his hands clutching at his pockets. So Thorin certainly hadn't expected to be put on the defensive when Fili came around the corner.

It was a different Fili than was usually the case—a Fili that wasn't conforming or crawling out from under his despair. He had always been one to recover quickly from disappointment or upset, or in the very least, had always been able to hide such things. But whereas such things had always been something clearly aimed at Fili himself, his upset tonight seemed to stem more from a protective stance with regards to Thorin.

Thorin had seen Fili's protective nature before, mostly on behalf of Kili of course, but on occasion with Thorin in mind, as well. But never had the air of possession—and dare Thorin believe jealousy—been so forefront and edgy. He'd been truly startled and impressed by the forceful measures Fili had taken to get his point across. Of course, he had backed down once he'd said what his mind had so rapidly thrust from his mouth, but the point had been duly taken by Thorin, despite his refusal to speak it as so.

It was a Fili Thorin had never witnessed before—forceful, unbending, and even brutal if you will. It brought to mind how Thorin had always hoped him to be—independent, self-serving to a point, fearless. Those attributes would be great assets to Fili on the battlefield, and Thorin had to smother the proud grin that had somehoq]w snuck upon his lips. He was indeed proud.

Even as a dwarfling, Thorin remembered more than a few occasions when he was disappointed in Fili for not choosing his own path in life, for being so agreeable and unfettered by the shallow needs of others. Thorin loved Kili with his entire heart, but it was because of Kili that Thorin had often been worried for Fili's independence later in life. Fili spent so much time fretting about his brother, cleaning up his messes, and generally keeping Kili out of trouble, that Thorin had been wary of Fili ever being able to stand up for himself as much as he did for Kili. 

Kili never meant any harm—it was just the way he was built; rambunctious, effervescent, seldom walking when he could run, and naive to the consequences of his actions. Fili always made excuses for his brother, but never for himself. That very fact had made Thorin's ire rise to a dangerous level when his young nephews aged into the realm of being grown dwarves. Thorin had wondered if his predilection to see Fili seek out his own destiny, to stop living within Kili's shadow, had been merely a ruse to protect himself in his own gruff, emotionally-flat way. Should it have been an indication of feelings yet to come, of the love he felt in a way not generally allotted to kin? There was no answer to the riddle so long after the fact but Thorin believed it might have been the case for many years.

Fili's heartfelt, heart-stopping, confession in Ered Luin had been a huge step to Thorin seeing his eldest nephew as a separate entity to Kili. He'd also hesitantly admit to peering behind Fili at first to see if Kili was hidden away in the shadows. It had been a moment of immense shock, but also unfettered pride, to see the way Fili had taken care of that which was important to him.

Calling Thorin out on his deception had been almost the same situation, the added attribute being the overwhelming jealousy Fili had been clearly trying to hide. Fili had taken Thorin's rejection with so much respect and little fight that he had convinced a small part of himself that Fili hadn't been as invested as he'd claimed. It was a ridiculous assumption, but one that Thorin had undoubtedly taken on to ease his guilt.

In truth and hindsight, that hadn't been the case at all—Fili had just been being _Fili_ , not wanting to rock the boat or ask for too much. Thorin would have been a fool to not admit to at least himself that the spark of green that had flowed from Fili's heart during his outburst about _the boy_ hadn't caused his own heart to clench. He'd never believed himself to be one to find jealousy or possessiveness either attractive or desirable in any relationship he'd had, but then again he'd never considered any of the couplings of his past to relationships at all.

Thorin sighed, head falling gently back to the stones he rested against. He was tired of thinking, and his musings weren't doing him any good. They just stoked the fire of indecision, of regret, that he had been fighting so hard to bury within himself. He loved Fili. He loved him with a spark so enflamed, he feared it would take his very breath from his body as he ignited from the inside out. 

During their time together—oh gods, had it truly been almost eight months that he'd settled himself within Fili's arms—Thorin had allowed himself to sink down into the love that Fili offered. He'd reveled in the stillness in his mind and the contentment in his heart. They had been the best moments and months of Thorin's life. He'd felt a peace that he'd never truly known in his soul—Fili wrapping around him like the softest furs, the sweetest wine, and the brightest coins of gold, inside and out. But he'd never told Fili the truth.

And how had he repaid Fili's gift? How had Thorin Oakenshield, king without a kingdom, king of the Lonely Mountain that he hadn't set eyes on in over sixty years, shown his feelings for Fili once those months of bliss had ended? By being a selfish bastard and succumbing to fears so deeply engrained, he truly believed all would be lost should he give in to the lust, the adoration, the love he unexpectedly found in Fili's eyes, his hands, his heart. 

Because in the back of Thorin's mind, he knew his spoken words with regards to the unrest in Dain's people, the danger that possibly lurked around every corner from those who wanted Erebor for themselves, was just that…an excuse. His heart thumped painfully and his soul wept when Fili thanked him for his honesty because there was so much more he wanted to be honest about.

~*~*~*~

Gandalf may have been a wizard of high standing, or at least the only wizard Thorin knew, but that did not mean he was always right in his hunches or accurate in his abilities to know what was best.

"Good evening, Thorin. Lovely night, isnt it? How do you fare?"

Thorin was in no mood for idle talk or any chat at all. He'd only just closed his eyes and mind to the day's events, and Gandalf's appearance unsettled what he'd been trying to accomplish—rest; thoughtless, mindless, blissful rest. 

"I fare just fine. Is there something you need my assistance with, Gandalf? Because I was just going to close my…"

"Thank you, Thorin. I'd love to have a seat. I was out stretching my legs for a bit, but I've become weary all of a sudden."

After a quick sweep of the general area, Thorin leaned forward and eyed Gandalf full-on. "And your bedroll is where?"

The wizard flicked a hand in frustration. "I'm not tired enough for sleep, but a chat with an old friend sounds like the perfect end to the day."

Thorin cocked an eyebrow before summoning a soft smile. "I don't believe we've ever chatted much before."

Gandalf's eyes twinkled with mischief. Well then, Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thrain, son of Thror, I would say we are long overdue."

It was not the right night or time for riddles. "What is it you want, Gandalf?"

"I sense the doubt settling 'round you like a cloak of darkness, Thorin."

The old wizard did have the uncanny ability to know just when to interfere with Thorin's thoughts. He'd not had many dealings with Gandalf, but that was one thing Thorin knew to be true. Gandalf perched himself on a big rock nearby, and Thorin shifted to face him.

"I've no more doubts than when you asked me about them at Bag End. You assured me the hobbit was what was needed to reclaim my home and I've trusted you as such."

"Perhaps." Gandalf nodded hesitantly, his fingers clenching and unclenching around his staff. "But it's not just Bilbo who occupies your thoughts."

"Many things circle my brain, all heavy and all important. Gandalf. I've twelve dwarves and a hobbit to lead across Middle Earth with an unconventional wizard whispering in my ear at inconvenient times."

"I dare say I'm not much of a whisperer, just as you are not as adept at concealing your feelings as you believe yourself to be."

Thorin huffed out a sigh. He didn't need his patience tried any more than it already had been for the day. "Should you not return to our nervous burglar's side, Gandalf?"

"No, he's in very capable hands, and hearing much history on the legendary Thorin Oakenshield. Now, for some reason I was remembering a time many years back when I chanced to visit you at Ered Luin—more than once I do recall. Fili and Kili were still dwarflings then, or perhaps just past that stage. Do you recall my visit?"

"Of course I do. You riled them both up so much with your fireworks, my sister and I had to deal with their misbehavior for days after."

"Misbehaving? Both of them?" Gandalf squinted his eyes.

"Possibly more from Kili ,which has always been the way of my nephews."

"That's what I'd thought. I chanced to have an interesting conversation with Fili all those years ago, one that I believe not even he remembers now."

Thorin quirked an eyebrow in confusion. "But of course your memory is impeccable?"

"Of course. Would you like to know what was discussed?"

"As if I have any say in the matter."

Gandalf chuckled but continued, his hands resting comfortably on his staff now, his body looking relaxed and unfettered. "Well, there isn't far you can escape to, that's true. Coincidentally, that conversation revolved solely around you if I remember correctly…which I do. Fili was full of life on that day, though rather than chasing the firestorm I had created, he sat contentedly beside me and watched Kili run amuck."

"I know both of those caricatures well."

"Of course, when his gaze was not on his brother, it was drawn to you. It seems to me I must be recalling the second time I visited since Fili was older. He'd already been working part-time at the forge with you so that would have put him of age then I suppose."

"Depends which age you speak of."

"He had already been become one with his impending adulthood, as if you didn't know what I was taking about. He was charming and when I asked him what he wanted out of his life, do you know what he said?"

Thorin sighed heavily, his gaze shifting to his clenched hands resting on his thighs. "No."

"He said he would reclaim Erebor for you so he would always be by your side…"

"Gandalf…"

"He also said there was nothing more important than seeing you become the king he always knew you should be. It was strange really." Gandalf paused, Thorin knowing it was intended more for effect than shortness of breath or words. "He had no dreams for himself that did not involve you. Kili, on the other hand, had musings about swords and adventures and I dare say, archery."

"Kili is five years Fili's junior. It only makes sense that his dreams would not match his brother's."

"Perhaps, but Kili was very clear on never wanting to find his _One_ because that would take him away from Fili, and in turn, from you. Can you guess what Fili said about the same?"

"Gandalf, I beg you…"

"He said he already knew who would forever live in his heart. He never expounded on the information but I can't help picturing the steely look in his eyes when he gazed upon you. And I've seen that same look in the grown-up version of Fili as soon as this day."

"You know not where you tread, Gandalf."

"On the contrary, I believe I know exactly where I tread because I happened upon an interesting bit of news several months ago when I returned to Ered Luin—"

"You were there…in Ered Luin?"

"Yes, possibly six or seven months ago actually. I called upon your sister and had a lovely chat. She's such a dear one, tough, but that only goes with knowing whose kin she is. I saw Kili when I was there. He's turned into quite the charmer himself, has he not?"

"Pray tell what your point is."

"I saw Fili, as well."

"That's not uncommon. Where one brother is, the other cannot be far behind."

"That would appears so, but I saw them on separate occasions this time, and I dare say Fili was glowing with happiness when he appeared at his mother's door for the evening meal. His demeanor was just as calm and respectful, but the love inside his heart flowed freely all around him."

"It is not to be, Gandalf. If you in fact know the circumstances of Fili's happiness, you'll also know it will never be as he wishes."

"I was speculating upon nothing, Thorin. Simply stating the differences in the Fili I have encountered over the years."

"And what is it you think you see now?"

"I see a grown dwarf with a heavy weight on his shoulders who is trying his hardest to be as strong and emotionless as those he holds close to his heart."

Thorin shook his head, all the defenses he'd been breaking down earlier in his own thoughts, rebuilding quickly in his mind. "You know nothing of this."

Gandalf didn't flinch or even respectfully glance away.

"I do know something, Thorin. I know from simply looking at Fili that he will never achieve that wish he seeks, and I do not refer to his _One_. I speak of his incapacity to shut out his feelings and needs. I see a dwarf with all the potential of a king, but one unable to rule because of the remnants of a heart destroyed by the stubbornness of the one he cherishes."

"You have no right…"

"I'm not claiming any right. I am merely speaking to an old friend. I'll leave you to your thoughts now. Good evening, Thorin." Thorin heard him mumble as he skulked away. "Save me from the stubbornness of dwarves."

Thorin closed his eyes. Years of drifting from one unwelcome place to the next had allowed him to develop a way of dozing, shutting down his thoughts and body but maintaining his awareness to his surroundings. It was usually a peaceful state he was able to achieve, but not this night—this night was a rapid stream of images, all Ered Luin and all Fili. 

Thorin's attempt at slumber was not peaceful.

~*~*~*~

_"I'll miss you, Thorin."_

_Fili's eyes were the softest blue, the edges blurred slightly in dark gray, emotion pouring with every blink of his long lashes._

_"It's only a few months, then we'll be reunited at Bag End."_

_Thorin dipped his head, his heart threatening to burst with the silent force of Fili's passion. He shoved the last of his things in his pack, scanning the room for anything he'd missed, looking everywhere except where he wanted to look. A hand on his shoulder forced him to turn around._

_"What worries you?"_

_Fili gnawed nervously on his bottom lip, and habit took hold of Thorin. He leaned in, brushing his thumb across Fili's mouth until the offended lip was released. His hand dropped slowly to his side, but Fili's own wrapped quickly around it, bringing it to his lips and lingering a kiss upon the knuckles._

_Thorin's inhaled deeply through his nose, his belly twisting as it had been for days. "There's much to worry about, but I will…miss you, as well."_

_The instant brightening of Fili's face sent Thorin's heart soaring. He reached for Fili, dragging him almost brutally into his arms before crushing their mouths together. Fili returned the force of the kiss and the embrace, clutching the back of Thorin's coat, fingers digging and scratching for purchase over the leather. One hand moved to tangle in Thorin's hair, a groan passing between Thorin's lips and vibrating against Fili's mouth._

_The soft tickling of Fili's tongue over the seam of Thorin's lips had Thorin readily allowing it to slide in. Fili's taste overwhelmed him—sweeter than any wine, more desirable than any gold or power he could foresee. He was lost in Fili's scent, his touch, his love._

_Their knees buckled at the same time, Fili shifting when they landed so he straddled Thorin's hips. He smiled down at Thorin, fingers reaching to brush hair from his face, the sweetness of his grin not quite replacing the concern shadowing his eyes._

_"Is there time?" Fili whispered as he pressed closer._

_He moved his body so his full height stretched out over Thorin, their aroused members straining together. Thorin canted his hips to get closer, his hands running the full length of Fili's body—tugging in his hair, stroking over his back, sinking into the flesh of his arse._

_"I've always time for you."_

_Their coupling was desperate at first—lips crushing and sucking, bite marks pressed into unsuspecting skin, hips grinding and rutting together. Near the end, it was Fili who slowed their pace, easing off Thorin to gently rock his hips against Thorin's groin. Thorin pulled him back down, pressing soft kisses to already-raw lips, hands slipping up Fili's tunic to rub and caress the muscles of his back._

_There wasn't time for preparation or thought as they arched and moved together as one—and it was just as sweet as their first time together. They quickened their intentions, breath mingling as their kisses became more about searching for air together than the simple press of mouths. Even through layers of clothes, Thorin felt Fili's heart pound against his own, and it was that memory he knew he would most cherish._

_When they finally found their releases, it was together—their cocks pulsing, bodies taut and arching against the other, kisses sloppy and panting. Thorin tightened his arms around Fili as they fought to catch their breath, Fili's body relaxing and sinking comfortably on top of him._

_They stayed that way until reality returned, and Thorin regrettably knew it was time for him to leave. After a quick change of trousers, Thorin slung his pack over his shoulder. Fili stood to the side, sliding his practice daggers one by one into his boots and sleeves. He would be returning to his mother and Kili until the time came for him and his brother to make their journey to Bag End—until he made his way back to Thorin._

_Thorin moved closer, pressing a kiss to the scruff of Fili's jaw. His thumb traced over the spot when he lifted his mouth away, settling it close to Fili's ear._

_"You're my heart, Fili. Nothing will ever change that. Come back to me safely."_


	7. The trouble with brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lateness of this. I just finished a huge deadline that didn't allow me to play with my boys. :( Thanks to anyone who's still sticking around for this story.
> 
> Comments & Kudos are love. ;)

Thorin thought with his head. Kili thought with his heart. Fili liked to believe he was a combination of them both, but for now, his head couldn't muffle the pain in his heart. Standing up to Thorin had been a proud but tense moment, and somehow Fili had come away feeling both refreshed and confused at the same time. _Aule's alive! Would he ever regain the confidence he'd once had in dealing with his uncle?_

Thorin's confession with regards to the lack of intimacy in his life had been startling to say the least. Fili had never expected Thorin to admit such a thing, let alone consider he hadn't been with anyone in so long. Fili had to force himself to let the admission stand as it was, and not allow it to twist too much hope inside him since, in reality, it probably had nothing to do with Thorin's feelings for Fili or visa versa.

The mildly confrontational conversation with Thorin had been topped-off by Balin's casual, but determined words, and inevitably caused Fili to have a fitful and restless sleep. He'd tossed and turned, elbowed and kicked frequently by Kili who apparently hadn't appreciated being disturbed in his beauty sleep. Fili told him in no uncertain terms—with certain choice words—that he could find another spot to rest if he was so inclined. 

Kili had replied with a snarly _"I was here first"_ , and, of course, since the middle of the night wasn't conducive to proper—or even adult—thinking, Fili had retaliated with the same words. The whole thing had escalated with a little pushing and shoving, and finally a shout from a sleepy Dwalin to _go back to sleep or they'd both be riding their ponies with sore arses after he kicked them from there to Erebor and back_. They'd obviously settled down after that.

It had been silly and immature, and Fili had been happy that Thorin hadn't been drawn into the situation—and hopefully had slept through the entire thing. He and Kili had been fine come morning, just as they always were, but Fili had seen Dwalin glancing his way as he stood whispering closely with Thorin when they were getting ready to mount up. And since Dwalin wasn't known for keeping anything from Thorin, Fili was sure he'd been flapping his gums about _the Durin heirs' unmajestic behavior_

It seemed Fili was destined to take one step forward then one back again when it came to Thorin, but Balin's urgings had not gone unheard. The elder had truly opened up another thread of thought in Fili's head. Balin had known Thorin longer than anyone, except Dis, and perhaps, there was some truth and hope in not letting his uncle shove him away so easily. 

It wasn't like Fili to give up on things that were important to him—this being the most important of all—but the tightly-strung bow of emotions he'd been fighting with since Thorin had left Ered Luin had only managed to become more taut until Fili literally felt as if the life was being squeezed from his body—and most especially his heart. He seemed to have lost the determination he'd always prided himself on, and Thorin was worth far more than a simple wave of Fili's hand in submission. Now all he had to do was figure out how best to go about proving that.

~*~*~*~

"I think Bilbo has some sort of _feelings_ for Thorin."

Fili paused the brush he'd been using to groom the ponies. He didn't reply immediately, gathering his wits about him. He didn't fancy turning into the green-eyed monster he'd felt inside him when Bilbo had spoken about Thorin and his boy.

"What sort of feelings?" He returned to brushing Minty, using long strokes over her mane as Thorin often reminded him to do. Apparently the pony had a preference in her grooming. He assumed it was her _majestic_ upbringing.

"You know… _feelings_ feelings." 

Fili looked up in time to see Kili waggle his eyebrows with a grin. "That's not funny, Kili." He ducked his head so Kili couldn't see the upset he knew so clearly shadowed his eyes. "Do you ever think before you open your mouth?"

"No… I mean yes…but I wasn't being funny anyhow. Bilbo asked if Thorin was courting anyone else since he didn't have a wife."

Fili looked up from his task again, finding Kili leaning against a nearby tree, arms crossed over his chest like he _hadn't_ been assigned the same task as Fili. "And what did you tell him?"

Kili shrugged as he peered up into the night sky. "That he wasn't courting nor fancied anyone at the moment."

Reaching down quick as a whip, Fili pitched a stone at Kili while a growl rolled past his lips. It hit Kili on the side of the head and the younger dwarf squawked loudly.

"Bloody Mahal! What was that for? You could've taken my eye out."

"You still have another to use, don't ya? You're just angry because you thought you were the only one in the family with aim. Now…I'm serious. Do you really think Bilbo has set his intentions on Thorin?"

"Don't see why he would. Uncle's certainly not the most accommodating nor friendly dwarf around—" Fili cleared his throat loudly, but Kili continued obliviously. "I guess anything's possible with those twitchy little creatures. I might even give him a go once… to see what it was like being with a hobbit and all. Not sure if he's of Thorin's taste or not."

The grooming brush hit Kili in the belly this time, Fili's aim a little off since he'd been aiming for his brother's head again. "I can't believe you said that."

Kili tossed the brush back, but Fili snatched it in mid-air before it could hit him. His reflexes certainly weren't only good for juggling plates and such.

"What're you getting so riled up about?"

Fili blew out a big breath, calming himself from the inside out because… _bloody Mahal!_ What was Kili's problem? "I swear you think with your arse sometimes. You're practically setting Thorin up to court Bilbo."

Kili furrowed his brows, eyes wide with anger. "I'm doing no such thing! I just said he fancied him."

"Well don't."

"I can't make him stop. It's not like I'm a wizard."

"Kili! Just stop talking about it."

Turning back to Minty, Fili had thoughts of sabotaging the pony somehow so Thorin would fall on his backside when he mounted her. But Thorin wasn't really the issue, Bilbo was—an unconfirmed issue, but a possible one all the same. Myrtle would be a better target but… _Aule's balls_ , Fili wasn't thinking just as he'd accused Kili of—his arse.

Thorin could court or bed or muck about with anyone he chose whether Fili liked it or not. What or _who_ he did was of no consequence to Fili and his unrelenting heart's yearnings. With frustrated sigh, he finished up with Minty then turned to find Kili staring at him. "Did you say something?"

"Just asked why you're grooming Minty to within an inch of her life." Kili's wide grin had replaced his confused frown, and it was the only thing that saved him from having something bigger thrown his way. "Are they all taken care of now"?

"No thanks to you," Fili grumbled. He grabbed his coat from the tree-stump where he'd tossed it then slipped it over his shoulders. The sun had already set, and Fili was hungry enough to eat a damn squirrel, though he sincerely hoped that wouldn't be the on the menu. It was Bofur and Bombur's turn to cook, but he and Kili had seen neither hide nor hair of any grub since they'd been sent to watch the ponies. 

Pony-duty seemed to be the thing he and Kili were most assigned, and Fili supposed he should be grateful for that, at least, they'd been given the task together. Although, Kili was being far more annoying than usual, and Fili wondered if a quieter dwarf wouldn't have been a better choice for the evening.

"I thought you'd decided your time with Thorin was to stay in the past."

Fili turned to see Kili still perched against the same tree. "What are you going on about now?"

"I can't seem to keep up with your feelings about him. One minute you've given up, then the next you're almost stamping him with a big _mine_ brand, and trying to blind me. Which is it, Fee?"

"I'm not branding him or claiming or whatever it is you're trying to say."

"So you're done with him then? You've managed to push your own feelings aside so he can continue to be a stubborn bastard?"

"Kili!"

Kili held his ground, his determined brown eyes pinning Fili to the spot. "Answer the question. It's simple—yes or no."

"My feelings haven't changed, but I'm not apt to force myself on him either. He can do what he wants just as he always has. It's of no consequence to me…or maybe it is…for Durin's sake, I don't know what I'm thinking, let alone doing."

He tore his gaze from Kili's, settling his bottom on a tree stump, elbows on knees, rolling the wooden brush between his fingers as he avoided Kili's eyes. But Kili was having none of it. He pushed off the tree, coming to stand in front of Fili and gently taking the brush from his hands. Fili looked up into the smile that had always made him feel like some sort of hero in Kili's eyes when they were young. 

"You can't honestly think our mighty uncle would bed a hobbit, do you? You're a far better choice to couple with him."

 _Mahal's balls_ "Kili! Can we just stop talking about it?"

Quiet followed the exchange as they both peered up into the sky. Kili didn't do well with silence. His outspoken, often rambling, thoughts were sometimes a welcome respite to the awkwardness of certain situations. But other times, Fili appreciated the quiet to clear his head and just enjoy the sounds of the world around him. This was one of those times.

"Do you think he'll come around? Thorin, I mean. I like seeing him hurt you, Fee."

"He's not hurting me," Fili said softly, his gaze lower as he focused on his hands. "I just need to deal with it on my own, is all."

"I'm your brother, and I'm trying to be supportive but…I'm not entirely sure what I'm supporting. Maybe I just don't understand your absolute feelings for him."

Fili looked up into Kili's eyes again. "I'd lay down my life to save his."

With a nod, Kili plunked himself onto the ground. "I understand that because he's our king and all. I don't believe any of our kin, or the company for that matter, would deny that either. I'd die for him myself since he's our leader and our uncle, but what's the difference for you?"

"It's not simply my own life I'd give him, Kili," Fili paused. He'd never admitted how far he was willing to go to make Thorin happy, to give him peace. But Kili was…well, Kili. "I'd absolve my title of prince and heir apparent to be with him…or if need be, to step away from him in order that he is free to be happy. My heart knows of no existence without him, so I'd conform to whatever position he deems me worthy."

"That's just mad…" Kili paused. "But wouldn't that make your heart want him more? To be around him, but not in his heart as he's in yours?"

Fili sighed and leaned forward so his head was close to Kili's. He gently bumped their foreheads together, a gesture of comfort they'd used since they were young. "I guess that's the part I can't explain. I can tell you I love him and that I wish only to be his, but trying to define how my love won't change even in the face of rejection is another matter entirely. Perhaps I'm just not bright enough to leave well enough alone."

Kili cupped the back of Fili's head, pressing their heads tighter together. His voice was soft and emotional. "What if he takes a consort or a…wife? Will you not curl up in despair—at least, inside?"

"Nothing will change," Fili said. He eased away from Kili's grip and straightened his back. "I don't intend to make his existence uncomfortable or to become a thorn in his or his…intended's side. I'll welcome whoever he chooses because they'll be our kin. My _insides_ "

"Why doesn't that make you angry?"

Fili shrugged. "I suppose it does, but I don't have it in me to stay angry with him, even though the past couple of days I've surely wanted to. Your obstinacy helped me along with that.

"Glad to help…but not really." Kili grinned and tossed a handful of dirt at Fili. "Is there no way you can find happiness without him?"

"I am happy, Kee. As long as he breathes and his heart beats, my own heart is content to wait, or in at least, be near."

Kili reclined back on his elbows, face raised to the sky again. "I don't think I ever want to feel that way if it's just as likely to hurt as it is to be fulfilling."

"You'll change your mind if it ever happens."

"So do you think it's possible to fall in love if your heart is already holding another?"

Fili supposed it was the question of all questions. "I don't have the answer to that." _Though he surely wished he did._ "I only know I've felt nothing but physical attraction for anyone I've been with over the years, and I've never bedded down with anyone more than once, either. Now about your attitude towards him…"

"I'll try my best to refrain from angering him, but I need you to know I don't like it." Kili rose to his feet, brushing dirt and grass off his coat as Fili stared up at him.

"That's not unapparent, brother, and I understand, but , _you_ have to understand that just as I can't stop my love, he can't force it if its not in his heart."

A low growl vibrated Kili's lips. "But you always knew! I remember when we were young. I was jealous of the attention you gave him when he was around. You never ignored me, of course, but it was like time stopped when Thorin appeared."

"It never stopped, but I did always look forward to his visits, and you did, as well."

"Of course I did but it was different." Kili focused on the sky for a moment before continuing. "I will admit I've never seen you happier than the past year with him, but now—"

"I'm not unhappy, Kili. I'm just…me, or at least I'm trying to keep being me in light of the circumstances."

Kili threw back his head, growling into the darkness as he flapped his arms at his sides. "You're damn stubborn, aren't ya?"

"Runs in the family, I suppose. " Fili grinned but it was uncommonly not reciprocated. "But stubborn has nothing to do with respecting the man who practically raised you."

"You raised me as much as mother and Thorin, and I'm not disrespecting him. I'm only telling him…letting him know…"

Fili stood so he faced Kili, his little brother gnawing madly on his bottom lip as he interrupted his own words. "Go on."

"He needs to know he's being an idiot…because he is. He's ranted our whole lives about family and truth and being your own person, yet he's not doing any of those things when it comes to you."

"Kili. I'm not a lass who needs you to come to her rescue. It is what it is. Thorin is who he will always be. No less, no more."

"Why do you continually throw yourself into protecting him?"

"Because I love him!" 

Fili tugged on his mustache beads then shoved his hands deep in his pockets. He rocked back and forth, heel to toe, toe to heel, fingering the knife in his pocket while he studied the earth beneath his feet. Kili just didn't understand and regardless of his enormous pride in his brother's staunch defense of him, it wasn't a matter Kili should be involved in. Of course, Kili's puffed out bottom lip told Fili he needed a little care of his own. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell."

With one last big-eyed wibble, Kili reset his mouth. "I know, and I understand how you feel about him now—at least I'm trying to—but its just not…it's just not right, and it frustrates me. Anyone can see how he feels about you when they look beyond his grumpy mask and into his eyes—even despite the words coming out of his mouth."

"Then stop looking in his eyes," Fili suggested with a forced smirk.

Kili mirrored Fili's look. He moved closer and poked Fili in the arm. "I can see right through you, you know, so you can stop the act—at least while it's just you and I here."

Fili poked him back. "Ponies are here, too. Sixteen of them, if memory serves me right."

Kili squinted his eyes, his focus on the whinnying lot behind Fili. "Wait. How many did we begin with?"

"What do you mean begin with?" Fili twisted quickly, his gaze searching out the entirety of the herd.

"There's only fourteen, Fili."

"You've obviously been into the ale or you never learned to count…Aule save us! There's only fourteen, Kee!"

"Thorin's going to kill us."

"That would be the lesser of the punishments, I believe."

"What's the matter?" 

Fili groaned but didn't turn towards the voice. It figured that Bilbo would appear at that very moment. He watched the hobbit glance from him to a very immobile Kili, then back again.

Kili broke the silence. "We're supposed to be looking after the ponies."

"Only we've encountered a slight problem," Fili added. He twisted his head in Bilbo's direction, forcing his thoughts to remain on the current problem, and not the appraisal of the hobbit.

"We had sixteen."

"Now there are fourteen."

After a search of the remaining stock, it was discovered that Daisy and Bongo were missing.

"What?" Bilbo cried, arms flapping at his sides. "Well, that's not good, not good at all. Shouldn't we tell Thorin?"

Fili's mind sped fast and furious. "No!" He lowered his voice again, an idea forming clearly in his head. "Let's not worry him. As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it."

He ignored Kili's look of confusion while Bilbo moved to examine some trees in front of them. 

"Well…uh…looks like something big uprooted these trees."

Kili glanced at Fili before speaking. "That was our thinking."

Bilbo's eyes widened. "It's something very big, and possibly quite dangerous."

Fili was just about to congratulate Bilbo on his redundant conclusions when he noticed something ahead between the trees. "Hey, there's a light."

The three scampered closer, peeking out from behind a fallen tree. Fili knew they should get Thorin, but the implication of his wrath was a deterrent, at least until there seemed to be no other options.

"Stay down," Fili warned.

"What is it?" Bilbo insisted on asking.

"Trolls."

The made their way closer, Bilbo falling back then reappearing at their side with the two bowls he'd been carrying. A loud noise made them all duck and gasp as a troll stomped by with two ponies in his huge grasp.

Bilbo hissed, shoving a bowl at Fili. "They've got Myrtle and Minty. I think they're gonna eat them. We have to do something."

Kili sought Fili's gaze before speaking. Fili nodded. He could barely think, let alone think clearly.

"Yes! You should," Kili said, grabbing hold of Bilbo's shoulder. "Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you're so small. They'll never see you."

"Me? Me? No. No. No. No."

"It's perfectly safe."

Fili stood rooted to the ground for a moment. It wasn't really a plan and he didn't know what exactly Bilbo could accomplish, but perhaps he'd just be a good stalling technique until the rest of the company could be fetched. Surely there was no danger for the hobbit in that.

"We'll be right behind you. If you run into trouble hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl."

Bilbo staggered forward, mumbling, "Twice like a barn owl, once like a brown...hoot like a...like a... Uh, are you sure this is a good idea?"

Fili threw his bowl to the ground, moving swiftly through the trees to get to Thorin and the others. He heard Kili's familiar footsteps behind him, but by the time he reached the camp, his brother had disappeared.


	8. Fili calls Thorin out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Apologies for my dire lateness in posting a new chapter. Real life, and two books totalling 220,000 words, certainly got in the way. And though I'm not sure if anyone is even following this story anymore, here's the next chapter anyhow. When last we saw Fili, he and Kili had done a shoddy job of looking after the ponies. I swear I'll be more responsible with regards to updating, than the Durin boys and their ponies from now on. ;)

"You were reckless, Fili. You not only endangered our burglar, but your own brother."

"Yes, Thorin. I'm sorry."

Thorin's heart hammered against his ribcage, the troll attack still racing and raging through his mind, despite the presence of their stone forms only a few feet away. He let his gaze travel—hopefully undetected—over Fili's body, but could see no obvious injuries. He'd felt an overwhelming wave of fear when Fili appeared at the fire without Bilbo or Kili in tow. 

Fili had been breathless and almost incomprehensible at first, but once the story had been pulled from him, the entire company had followed frantically behind as he led the way. Mountain trolls were not what Thorin had expected, despite Fili's hurried insistence that it was so. And the disappearance of Gandalf had only helped in stoking the adrenaline rush, and fear of the utter tragedy, that surged through him.

It had only been after Gandalf finally reappeared to save the day that Thorin had felt the rush of anger swell inside him again. It was best that way, facing the rage at what his nephews—what Fili—had done, rather than dragging him away to check him from head to toe. It was exactly that instinctual reaction that Thorin had been worried about when their journey began—the nervous anticipation that Fili would be hurt or even worse.

It wasn't inexcusable for a responsible leader to have such feelings for one of his company—be he related or not. And it was just as hazardous for a king to bear the burden of having his beloved also be a warrior defending him. Or perhaps, it was just another excuse he chose to spin his own way instead of opening his heart to something far more treacherous than dragons or trolls—love.

A well-timed cough brought Thorin back to the present. He swiped a hand through his hair, attempting to reignite the rage he was becoming so accustomed to turning Fili's way. His nephew's head was bowed, blue eyes peering out from beneath dark lashes while he patiently waited for Thorin to speak his mind. Silly lad—he should have run off to the sanctuary of the others when he had a chance. But Thorin knew that was, and had never been, Fili's way.

"Thorin?" Fili's voice was soft, hesitant, as he stood his ground, a straight line of concern taking the place of the polite smile he usually wore. "Uncle? Are you all right?"

Thorin cleared his throat. "That's a rather odd question considering the situation we just barely escaped, isn't it?"

"I apologized. Kili and I made a poor decision…"

"Such decisions are not yours to make. You may be my first ascending heir and an important member of this company, but you are not the leader, do we have that clear?"

"Perfectly."

"Do you wish to leave our quest, Fili? I'm assuming Kili would go with you, and if this is not the place you wish to me…if this is not the life you choose, it's best if you go…"

The question was just as much of a shock to Thorin as the words slipped from his lips. Did he want Fili to leave? Would that ease some part of his mind—his heart—to know he wasn't putting Fili in harm's way, or was it simply the easy way out?

Fili dipped his head again, but not before Thorin saw the clenching of his jaw and gritting of his teeth. "How can you even say that to me? You know there's no place I'd rather be than at your side."

"Perhaps you've chosen the wrong reasons—"

"I've _chosen_ nothing when it pertains to you."

Thorin ignored Fili's mumbling. "…and therefore, you aren't adjusting to the circumstances. There will be no coddling or mothering on this journey. If you cannot control your emotions—"

"This has nothing to do with my emotions! I made a serious error in judgment, and yes, I endangered even my own brother. I assure you I'm paying the price with my guilt and self-recrimination, but what's done is done. Isn't that what you always taught us? The past cannot be changed, therefore the future should be used for improvement?"

With a quick glance to the area surrounding him, Thorin cupped Fili's elbow. "Tamp down your emotions, Fili. This is neither the time nor the place. Didn't you assure me you could separate your feelings from your role in the company? Is this how you plan on holding your promise?"

Fili yanked his arm away, and Thorin let his own drop to his side, eyeing Fili as he shoved a hand in the pocket of his coat. 

"You must learn control."

"Fine," Fili all but growled. 

Thorin was taken aback at his tone, but forced himself to avoid reacting. He didn't want to encourage any further disrespect from Fili, though he did feel a tiny wiggle of pride at Fili's determination and unfettered spirit. 

"What do you want me to say, Thorin? That I'll try my best to be more like you…emotionless and callous?"

"You're behaving like a child."

"That's what I still am in your eyes, isn't it? Despite all that's happened."

"Fili—"

Fili held up his hand, staring directly into Thorin's eyes, his gaze cold and immovable. "My reasons for being here are to support my king and my kin, as well as honor and show my respect and love for you and your dream. Since I was knee-high I've know what you wish most in the world—Erebor—and all I wish for is to help you obtain that which you want most. I don't believe any of those things can be attained without emotion, Uncle."

Something raw and instinctual shuddered through Thorin. Before he even could blink, he had Fili pinned against the nearest tree, his forearm stretched across Fili's chest, the tone of his voice matching and outplaying Fili's growl.

"This journey is not about love. It's not about respect or entitlement. It's about taking back what was taken from us. It's about working together and not going off half-cocked to do as you please. And it's certainly not about a time in my life that I choose to forget."

"Choose to forget?" 

Thorin saw, rather than heard, the disappointment that rushed through Fili. His body slumped for merely a moment, eyes softening then being forced back into position quickly. 

"I guess I never realized _we—I_ —had become such an unwanted memory for you."

It took Thorin a lengthy moment to gather his thoughts, and ironically his emotions. That Fili had assumed he had no feelings for the time they'd spent together was unsettling. Thorin had not intended to chastise Fili again, and he certainly hadn't meant to invalidate what had happened between them.

"That's not what I meant to--"

Fili interrupted him with the bump of his hips to Thorin's. Thorin gasped while Fili retreated. "Yes, I know. That's not what we were speaking about, but Thorin…I've apologized up and down about the ponies. _The hobbit_ is safe and so is everyone else."

"That's not the point I'm trying to make—"

Fili strained under Thorin's arm, chest puffing out to capacity as he bucked his hips against him again. "Then you're simply rehashing everything you've said before, and needn't bother. Kili and I aren't going anywhere that isn't at your side. If it's _you_ who has a problem with us being here, then it would be best to speak up now." 

The snapping of a twig behind him broke Thorin's silent reveling at the note of authority in Fili's voice, making him pull away with an intensity he didn't intend. The sudden realization of the intimacy in how he'd been pressing himself against Fili startled him, and in turn, reminded him how Fili's body felt so natural and exciting against his. He released him, but his gaze remained unwavering and focused. 

"What if you'd been injured? Have you ever considered the consequences of your actions as an heir, instead of simply a dwarf from Ered Luin?"

"I wasn't injured so I don't see the point to your—"

"Your life has been placed in my hands, and I won't have my nephew, heir, or company member put himself or anyone else in danger."

"Thorin!" Fili hissed the word into the wind. He parted his lips to speak, but snapped them shut as his eyes narrowed. He cocked his head to the side, his voice low and gruff. "Is that what this is about? You won't admit the feelings you have for me, but you're so worried for my safety that you turn your fear to anger so your true feelings can stay hidden away?"

"You're talking in rhymes, Fili. You know I worry for the well-being of all my dwarves."

"Of course you do, but you don't admonish any of them nearly as much as you do me. Kili doesn't even warrant the full strength of your wrath, and as you've pointed out, he's always at my side in whatever misdeeds I may be accused of." 

Fili stepped forward, shifting so he was in Thorin's personal bubble of space again. Thorin took a step back, his hands balling into fists at his sides. "You're out of line."

"But I'm really not, am I? I've simply discovered why you center so much rage on me. You've replaced your love with anger and the excuse of dire responsibility because of some misplaced fear you have of giving yourself to me, or more importantly, admitting your feelings to me—perhaps even to yourself."

"This is neither the time nor the place…"

With a nod of his head, Fili moved back against the tree, allowing Thorin room to breathe again. The space didn't deter Fili from expressing his thoughts though. "But I'm not wrong, am I? If I was, you would have shouted it to the mountains."

Thorin maintained eye contact, though his only wish was to finish the conversation that had suddenly turned on him. He was the one who should be glaring and glowering at Fili's attempt to control a situation that had been so beyond his control. Yet, Thorin stood there with no words to refute Fili's claim, no spiteful threats or majestic rantings about Fili's behavior. He was uncomfortable, confused, and unwilling to continue to speak to Fili about something so far removed from the original issue…

"Gandalf is waiting to speak to me."

"Then I suppose you should see to him."

Thorin didn't like Fili's tone, and he liked the casual swagger Fili used as he pushed off the tree and moved towards him, even less. 

"I'll try to keep my emotions in check, but I'll never allow them to simply be shut up inside me. I refuse to disrespect the memory of our time together in that way, and that's precisely what you're asking me to do…and exactly what you appear to have done." 

Fili rubbed shoulders with Thorin as he stepped past him. He paused barely a heartbeat, his back still turned but his words direct and telling. He spoke softly, but Thorin heard him loud and clear. 

"Or perhaps I should say exactly what you'd like me to think you've done. Because despite all you've said and tried to do to push me away, I believe that you'd prefer I disregard your tainted words, and keep reminding you that I love you…and that you love me just as much. I'll refrain from expressing anything else except to remind you that the only one standing in your way to have my heart—is you."

Thorin stood open-mouthed as he stoically watched Fili retreat to a solitary spot between the trees. He noticed the slight stumble in his gait just before Fili straightened his spine and continued his retreat without incident. Thorin's knees felt a little weak and had Gandalf not approached him, he might have sought the comfort of a quiet place to think—to regain his composure and fill his depleted lungs with air.

As it was, he had to quickly regroup his focus, and staunch the ache inside him to resume his role, when all he really wanted to do was hold Fili in his arms.

How was it that every time they spoke, the bond that Fili believed so steadily in managed to become a barrier between them? It wasn't what Thorin wanted, but somehow the throbbing love in Fili's eyes struck a sour chord in Thorin—made him feel the need to shove Fili and his overzealous feelings as far away as possible. 

Thorin was discovering that the more his heart slowly opened up in acceptance of how he truly felt about Fili, the harder he pushed him away, and in turn, the stronger Fili pushed back. He worried that Fili would simply stop trying, but with the incapacity to tell him as much, the fear of Fili's change of heart was real and possibly eminent. 

It was becoming clear that the biggest problem Thorin was facing wasn't trolls or dragons, but his inability to keep Fili right where he wanted him—at his side and in his heart…always.

~*~*~*~

Fili blew out a big puff of air, instinctively fingering the precious knife inside the pocket of his coat. His eyes focused on Thorin when he finally turned around, but he didn't allow his gaze to creep to his face. He needed time to regroup, to resettle the fluttering of his stomach and harsh beating of his heart. He was sure his panic was displayed prominently in his eyes so he kept to the shadows until he was calm.

He'd overstepped his position again, and then went even further by attempting—no, forcing his opinion about Thorin on Thorin himself. He was surprised his uncle hadn't hung a beating on him, or at the very least, tore another strip off him for his insolent and cocky behavior. Of course, since he'd immediately cleared the area, Thorin probably hadn't had time to even breathe, let alone think. 

It was just as Thorin had said, Fili's emotions were too overwhelming to contain, and they were proving to be far more difficult to keep stuffed inside as the days ticked away. The whole thing produced a harsh ache not only in Fili's heart, but the crumbling depths of his soul. He couldn't ever remember a time when he'd felt such spirit-crushing fear of the future, and it was a feeling he'd never wish upon even the most treacherous of his enemies.

~*~*~*~

The appearance of a frazzled and otherworldly man—a wizard apparently, Radagast the Brown—out of the trees was indeed as odd as the contraption he'd been riding. Never before had Fili seen nor imagined such a thing as rabbits pulling a sleigh with such ferocity and speed. Middle Earth clearly offered surprise after surprise, and under any other circumstances he would have surely wanted to investigate all that there was to marvel at along their journey. Perhaps another time.

Gandalf took Radagast aside while the company milled about, senses heightened as the threat of impending wargs and orcs grew closer. It wasn't more than several moments later that the threat became reality.

The first orc was taken down by Thorin, the beast dead on the ground before he knew what hit him. The second was the one who nearly cost Erebor its intended king had it not been for the quick stroke of Kili's fingers on his bow.

The company immediately formed into a staunch cohesive unit as the danger seemed to heighten its presence around them. Fili inched closer to his brother, swords still at the ready as he brushed his elbow to Kili's.

"I owe you a large debt, Kee."

Kili's face didn't change from the intense determination he wore. "And what might I have done to deserve such praise, rather than reprimanding."

Fili couldn't control the half-curl of his lips. There were no words to describe his affection for the wittiness and spirit of his brother…sometimes. "You saved our king."

"I would have saved anyone in the same situation."

"Aye, but I'm grateful that Thorin's heart still beats."

"As am I, brother. You would have done as much had the circumstance presented itself."

"You sell yourself short, Kili. I have skills of my own, but yours are far more suited to situations such as these. You may not earn the respect you deserve for your bow, but I've never underestimated the value in your chosen weapon, and the skill with which you wield it."

Kili snuck Fili a wide-eyed look of confusion. "Are you all right? You seem…did something happen with Thorin?"

"Nothing that hasn't simply become a pattern, an unwanted one at that." He twisted his fingers more aggressively around the hilts of his longswords. "Though I am disturbed by the image that flashed before me when the warg towered above Thorin—the image of what could have been."

Turning so he faced Fili, Kili lay a hand on his shoulder. His eyes softened and his words were gentle. "Could have been?"

Fili avoided his gaze, dropping his head to concentrate on the tiny knife nestled in his pocket. At times it seemed to burn against his skin, no matter how many layers lay between it and the bareness of Fili's body. It was ever present even when Fili didn't have an extra hand to wrap soothingly around it.

"A world without Thorin in it."

"We won't allow that to happen, Fee."

"My mind struggles to believe that, but it's in my heart where the fear and unrest settles."

"Nothing is for sure in this life, isn't that what Thorin taught us?" Kili shrugged in that way he'd always mastered when he was young when things seemed so obvious to him but uncertain to others. "I remember the nervous and excited state you were in when you made the decision to tell Thorin he was your _One_. I hate that you've reverted to uncertainty again. I can't imagine holding back all the emotional energy I've seen you expend on Thorin when all you really want is to take what's yours—and it's obvious despite his stubbornness that he wants the same. Surely, you can get past his bossy—majestic rants that hold your heart hostage, and work out a way that benefits you both, rather than makes you both miserable. He's not Mahal himself, Fee. Surely he needs you as much as you need him."

Fili stood speechless, his eyes continuing to flit from Kili to the area surrounding him, ever aware of his duty. Kili always seemed able to look deep inside Fili. Sometimes it annoyed Fili, but other times, like at that moment, it was a skill Fili appreciated. He opened his mouth to tell Kili's his newest intentions with respect to their _bossy_ uncle when a new plan was suddenly put into effect—Radagast would distract the enemy while the company ran like hell to lose them.

And that's what they did. 

__

~*~*~*~

_"Fili…Kili! I've missed you, nephews. Where's your mother? I'm so relieved to see you all. It's been too long since I've had the attentions of my family."_

_Kili was up and wrapped around Thorin before Fili had shaken loose the shock of his sudden appearance. No one had suspected Thorin would be returning to Ered Luin, and the surprise of seeing him nearly put Fili on his arse in the kitchen of his mother's house. He gaped like a fish out of water as Thorin's usually stoic expression brightened, his face lighting up in an almost unnatural smile as he hugged Kili to him._

_"She's seeing to the human woman down the way," Kili's excited voice stuttered out. "Are you here for long? Did we know you were arriving? Can I get you anything after your journey?"_

_"Calm yourself, Kili. I've an appointment at the forge to see about some temporary work, and I have good news for you both…as well as some trinkets for you and your mother."_

_After loosing himself from Kili's gleeful embrace, Thorin turned his icy blue gaze on Fili. Fili had to fight hard to not attack him as Kili had, or to the contrary, flinch away with frightened anticipation._

_"Aren't you happy to see me, Fili. Have I done you some injustice I seemed to have forgotten?"_

_"Of course not." Fili forced himself forward, letting Thorin enfold him on his arms. A far-too-contented, or perhaps, needy sigh slipping from between his lips. "Welcome back, Uncle. I've—we've missed you."_

_"Always nice to hear, I assure you, especially after some of the disgraceful company I've kept since I've last seen you."_

_Fili stifled a growl. He didn't particularly like the knowledge that Thorin had been keeping any sort of company with anyone. It was then that he made what he hoped could, and would, be the most important decision of his young life._

_He pulled away from Thorin with a heavy heart and a mouth full of cotton, digging his hand into the pocket of his tunic. His fingers found the treasure he kept with him at all times, wrapping around the knife and feeling its metallic heat spread through his body._

_"Where are you staying, Thorin?"_

_Thorin looked mostly well, his eyes bright but with a touch of weariness shadowed beneath his lower lashes. It had been nearly six months since he'd left, and Fili had felt the loss every single day. His heart soared at the mere thought of having Thorin back._

_Reaching for the heavy pack he'd dropped at his feet, Thorin rustled through it as he kept one eye pinned on Fili. "At the inn over the tavern for now. I've yet to see about a room to let, but one of the lads in the square told me there was one available."_

_"You could stay here." Fili's offer was more of a blurted demand, unfortunately one he could neither soften after the fact nor take back completely._

_Thorin smirked as he handed pipes of the darkest wood to first Kili then Fili. "It's a lovely idea, but this place was never big enough for the four of us when you were dwarflings, and I dare say your mother will not want me staying on your floor."_

_Again Fili's lips moved before his brain could keep up. "You can have my room!"_

_Kili was obviously not besotted with the idea. "Fili! You might check with the other occupant of the room you're offering. Would you have us both sleep on the floor or toss a gold coin to see who sleeps in the bed with Uncle?"_

_"Kili!" Fili was dangerously close to strangling his brother. But since he didn't know the full extent of what his careless words meant, he'd live to see another day…for now._

_"I appreciate the thought, but I'll see what I can find." Thorin settled himself in the chair that had always been deemed his when they'd shared the tiny three-room house. "Now tell me what's new around here? Have I missed any excitement?"_

_Again his brother's face brightened and his lips parted excitedly before Fili could open his mouth. "Aye, did you know Dwalin had a lass for almost an entire month—"_

_"Might I come by tonight to speak with you?"_

_Kili shot Fili a look that could have curled dry wood, and Fili felt as if he reverted to his dwarfhood when he and Kili often dueled verbally for Thorin's attention._

_Thorin didn't seem to notice the dark looks passing between the brothers. "Of course. We can all sit down with an ale and catch up."_

_"Kili can't come…I mean, he has plans for this evening."_

_"I do?" Kili eyed Fili suspiciously, and Fili was forced to lower himself by shooting his brother his best pleading look. If he hadn't known better he would have sworn Kili's confusion turned smug just for an instant. "Oh, yeah! Yes, I do."_

_Thorin shrugged, kicking his feet out in front of him as he reclined back into the chair. Fili had a hard time just standing close to him, his heart yammering loudly in his ears while his fingers itched to touch._

_"Very well then, just the two of us, Fili. Come by whenever you like. The owner will guide you to my room."_

_The conversation turned casual and seemingly more comfortable once Dis arrived home. She insisted Thorin stay for supper, much to Fili's silent disapproval. He wanted Thorin to leave as quickly as possible so he, in turn, could visit him in his room._

_Kili smacked him on the shoulder as soon as Thorin had left and they'd retired to their shared room to avoid helping their mother with the dishes._

_"By Durin," Fili complained. "What is wrong with you? If you think I won't hang a beating on you because Thorin's back—"_

_"You're going to tell him, aren't you?"_

_Fili's lips flapped like a fish out of water. "Tell him…tell Thorin? Tell him what? If this is about you being busy tonight, I'm sure I heard you say you were meeting someone."_

_Another swat to his shoulder had Fili ready to seriously throttle his brother. Kili just ignored his grumbling, as was usually the case._

_"Don't play me for a fool. You're finally going to tell him you love him."_

_Fili shook his head more out of habit than real thinking. "I don't know what you're talking about."_

_Kili snorted. "Grow up, Fee. You really think I don't know who the_ beloved _you've spoken of about these years really is? I can feel you mooning over him the moment he walks in the room."_

_"I don't moon—" Fili growled. Kili didn't even stutter his words._

_"Though how you've lusted after him since we were young I don't understand, You've been with others, yet you still seem to have this overwhelming urge to be with Thorin. He's so much older, and our uncle if you do recall. Why you'd want to bed with anyone under those circumstances—"_

_"I don't want to just be intimate with him, Kili. Stop being disrespectful."_

_"What? Why would you tell him you love him if you don't want to bed him?"_

_Fili yanked on one of his mustache braids in frustration, his other hand shifting to rub over the knife in his pocket. "He's my_ One _, Kee. Thorin has always been, and will forever be, my cherished one."_


	9. Elves, ale & good intentions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's hanging in with me and this story. :) I know I'm not the best updater, but I'm trying.
> 
> No beta so all mistakes are awkwardly mine.
> 
> Comments and kudos are love.

_Elves_.

If there was anything that would make the day even worse—elves would do the job nicely. 

Fili and Kili had listened to Thorin rant and rave about the strange creatures for as long as they could remember—their indecency in ignoring the dwarves pleas for help, their disgraceful behavior in turning their backs on others in dire need, even the mannerly-way they carried themselves as if they had sticks shoved up their arses. 

Fili didn't blame Thorin for being callous and cold towards them. He understood how much pride his uncle sheathed inside him in the current day, let alone so many years ago when he'd had to practically throw himself at the feet of the calm, cool and collected traitors. At least that's what Thorin had always referred to them as—traitors, ego-maniacs, despicable marks on all existence. As far as he was concerned there wasn't much difference in the lanky creatures than trolls or orcs. 

Fili understood that, as well—an enemy is an enemy after all and there was no cut and dry scale or rating system for the unconscionable. But there was also a part of Fili that agreed with Gandalf's underhanded tactics in drawing then to Rivendale. He believed Thorin's pride was overruling his logic as he protested so profusely against Gandalf's wishes and the audacity of taking the company exactly where Thorin had least wanted to go.

Gandalf commanded much respect in Fili's eyes. There were few dwarves, or any other creatures for that matter, who garnished so much patience from Thorin. He was known for his brooding manner, quiet seething and demanding tone when he spoke, but with the mighty wizard, he was calm and listened far more than he spoke. Fili secretly wished some of Gandalf’s power that he seemed to wield over Thorin could be gathered for his own use.

Once all the pleasantries were completed—more grudging acceptances on the dwarves' parts than outright appreciation—the lot of them were welcomed into the palace. It was garish and overwhelmingly bright and brilliant, to the extent that Fili had never imagined something could exist. Of course, he knew once Thorin was returned to his rightful capacity in Erebor, their new home would outshine any elf dwelling, nobility or not. Fili would ensure that fact irrespective to what role he played in Thorin's life.

Kili was almost overwrought with beaming excitement as the dwarves were shuffled up staircases and down glittering hallways. Fili had to nudge him several times to remind him to snap his lips closed before he started drooling over their temporary accommodations. The room they received—together of course—consisted mainly of a bed tall enough for them to have to crawl up the side to get into. 

After Fili watched Kili bounce excitedly up and down on his knees for several minutes—an activity he allowed himself to partake in, but for far briefer a time than his brother—he reminded Kili of their true cause for being in the house of elves.

"They don't seem like such a bad lot," Kili said as he plopped heavily down beside Fili with a sweep of his hand across his face to push back his hair. His skin still shone with youthful exuberance, and Fili had no choice but to ruffle the top of his head and grin lovingly at him.

"Don’t let Thorin hear you say that. You didn't seem to have that assuming attitude when they were circling us on their beast horses." 

Fili smirked, sliding off the bed and slipping his feet back into his boots. He hadn't been born in a barn so there wasn't anything wrong with using manners, even in the home of their sworn enemies. Kili obviously had missed that particular part of their upbringing. 

"Guess I should have taken my boots off, yeah?"

"Your excitement got the best of you…as usual." Fili's words were neither harsh nor lecturing. He smiled and bumped shoulders with his brother. "It will be nice to sleep in a bed though, even if it is with you."

Kili wrapped an arm Fili's shoulders, his grin bright and eyes sparkling with mischief. "You could always, you knows, sneak into Thorin's room. He has his own, right?"

"Of course, he does. He's our king and even elves have to respect that." Fili squirmed out from beneath Kili's hold. "And no, I won't be doing any sneaking. Things between us are bad enough. I don't mean to throw extra fuel on the fire."

"Fine. Do what ya want. I was only trying to help."

A pouting Kili had always been something Fili couldn't contend with. The reality was that no one could, except their mother and Thorin, of course. Fili had tried to strengthen his resolve when it came to his brother, but it was far more work than just giving in—it was an honest fact.

"I know you're trying. I appreciate that, but the situation isn't something you can fix for me."

Kili simply shrugged. "Did the big elf say there was food? I could eat a whole pony right now." His mind was obviously back in flip-flop mode. "Of course, that's probably not a proper phrase since we are indeed _pony-less_ at the moment."

"Drop it!" Fili hissed, his tone harsh and insistent. "Please don't mention ponies again tonight. Lets just…go find the others, shall we?"

Kili complied with Fili's request far easier than he normally—stubbornly—did, but Fili was certain his acceptance had more to do with the loud rumbling of his belly than Fili's request. Once they were properly groomed again, they left the cozy room, turning to the right as they entered the hallway.

As the narrow space widened, Fili spotted Thorin farther down the way. He stood proud and tall with Gandalf, the elf king, Balin and Bilibo. Fili was sure he heard his name mentioned just before Kili nearly knocked him off his feet when he haphazardly crashed into his back.

"What are you—oh look, there's Thorin."

"Shhh," Fili hissed as he grabbed Kili by the collar to hold him in place. Kili squirmed, but one arched brow in his direction instantly calmed him.

"I disagree with your decision, Thorin."

"That's not unusual, Gandalf," Thorin said. Fili watched as he batted at the hair that hung loose around his face then peered up at the wizard. "Fili has no place at this meeting. Can we just get on with it?"

Gandalf clucked his tongue while the others just shifted uncomfortably. "He's your heir, Thorin. When will you let him step up and become what he is intended to be?"

"When there is a kingdom to be ruled, and as such, that is not the case today, is it?"

Fili heard Kili's sharp intake of breath, his chest expanding against Fili's side where he held him still. His brother obviously didn't like the comment any more than Fili did.

"Should we go talk to him?" Kili whispered, brows knitted with concern.

With a slight shake of his head, Fili avoided looking into his brother's determined brown eyes. "We were going to find grub so that's what we're still going to do."

"But—"

He grabbed Kili by the arm, ignoring his grumbled protests by dragging him behind until he started moving on his own. A mere nod was all the attention that was given to the group of five. Thorin seemed impossibly interested in his boots behind Bilbo as Fili and Kili slipped past. 

Fili's heart twitched against his ribs, his belly twisting and throbbing as he stuffed down all his emotions. Thorin's attitude and words burned like a hot poker inside his brain. Whether the fleeting comment had been meant for his ears or not, had no bearing on their meaning or the situation. Fili could feign indifference with the best of them, and that's exactly what he intended on doing.

After moving farther down the hall, Kili gripped the back of his coat. Fili paused, turning to gaze into his worried face. "I'm fine. Stop with the stink-face again."

"Stink-face?" Kili cracked a smile. "You haven't called me that since we were young."

"Maybe I thought you'd grown out of it," Fili said. 

He forced a crooked grin, them twisted back to peer down the hall. The boisterous sound of dwarves enjoying themselves drifted toward them, and Fili was immensely thankful for the distraction for Kili—and himself.

~*~*~*~

Their meal was an odd and unappetizing mixture of greens, at least until Bofur saved the day, magically pulling a string of sausages from his pack. Merriment abounded as the dwarves enjoyed the warmth and offerings of the elven palace. They were served wine and ale, and became more than a little selfish in their intake rather quickly.

As Fili looked around at the ragtag group of dwarves of all sizes and ages and personalities, he felt a kinship to each and every one. It was a comforting feeling to know that more than just Kili and Thorin had his back, despite not having one single clue what they were all in store for.

As the lateness of the evening dragged on, Fili's brain spun with liquor and pipe smoke as he drained pint after pint, throwing them back with a vigor that only increased the longer Thorin was absent from their midst. He watched quietly as Kili partook in the laughter that Bofur and Bombur always seemed to cause. 

Eventually with a belly full of booze, he relaxed and joined in on the raucous celebrating and taunting until he thought his gut would burst from laughter and ale. When Kili passed him another pint, he stared fuzzily into the swirling liquid, the foam settling and forming a brilliant idea under the rim of the mug. In his inebriated state, he was sure it was the best idea he'd ever had.

~*~*~*~

Thorin slogged his tired body, and even more exhausted mind, down the winding hallway. His room had been pointed out to him before his meeting with Elrond, and all he wanted was to relax in the comfort of a soft bed before they had to move on. He didn't recognize the seated figure leaned against his door until he was nearly upon him.

"Fili?" Thorin hurried to his nephew's side, squatting down beside him before tucking a finger under his chin and raising his face so their eyes met. "Has something happened? Where's Kili?"

Fili's gaze was unfocused but filled with familiar adoration as he stared back at Thorin. There was a touch of red around the edges of the blue and his cheeks were reminiscent of the dwarfling Thorin had helped raise. When he didn't answer straight away, Thorin snaked an arm around his shoulders and lifted him to his feet. Fili's head wobbled at first, but when he righted himself, a soft teasing grin quirked his lips.

"Aye, Kili's fine. Well into his cups by now I'd imagine." He chuckled, the sound making Thorin shake his head.

"As are you." Thorin tilted Fili's body until it rested against the wall and his knees seemed ready to keep it that way. "Go back to your room and sleep it off. We leave in no more than a few hours, and what I don't need is a company of drunken dwarves to guide across the mountains."

Fili maintained his position, eyes bright as he stared at Thorin, his mouth still turned up in a grin. "Do you ask him the same thing when you see him?"

Thorin shook his head. He didn't know the reasoning behind Fili's question and wasn't sure confirming it would be the best course of action but… "What are you talking about?"

"Kili," Fili said, his smile fading just a tad as he attempted unsuccessfully to lengthen his spine against the wall. He ended up back where he'd started—a very good thing in Thorin's mind. "Do you ask him if I'm all right when I'm not with 'im?"

"Of course. You're well past your limit.” He paused, taking in his nephew’s handsome face. _Composure, Thorin, composure._ “ Come, I'll walk you back to your room."

Fili shrugged, his whole body shaking with the action. Thorin braced his own body in anticipation of having to rescue his nephew from crashing to the floor. Durins alive! What had gotten into the lad?

"But…I don't want to go back to my room."

"We've talked about this, Fili." Every fibre in Thorin's body ached to hold Fili close, but it wasn't the way he needed it to be, so as usual he fought against his own wishes, his own desires—his very heart. 

"But ya see…I'm not asking for anything more than a little of your time." Fili smirked, but it didn't reach the stormy blue that his eyes had gathered. "I'm not asking for anything more than to sit with you…be with you for just a tiny while. No one will know…no one will ever have to know."

Thorin moaned deep in his chest as he planted his feet more firmly on the ground to keep him from doing that which he didn't want—couldn't want. "It's not about that. I don't cave to the petty opinions of others—"

"No, only your own."

"Everything all right here?"

Thorin turned toward the unmistakeable voice of their burglar. Bilbo slid his thumbs beneath his suspenders and rocked back on his heels.

"Did something…is he all right? He looks a little under, you know, the weather."

"Everything's fine. Fili's just had a pint or two more than he should have."

Bilbo pursed his lips and blew out a puff of air. "Is that even possible with dwarves?"

Thorin stifled a growl, one hand splaying against Fili's chest since he'd began to slip down the wall. He pointed the other down the passageway. "Just be ready in four hours, Mr. Baggins. I suggest you concern yourself with things that are of your own business. This is not."

He twisted back to Fili without a second glance. He was almost positive Fili was grinning wider than he'd ever seen, but the smile quickly loosened as Thorin turned back. "I'm sure you have a perfectly uncomfortable chair I can occupy, Uncle."

When had the days that Thorin couldn't resist the mischievous grins of his nephew—this one in particular—returned? He supposed if he took his own question seriously, he'd know the exact time, day, hour, and minute. 

"All right. Do you need me to carry you like a babe or can you walk on your own?"

Another low chuckle had Thorin fearing what was coming next. "I'd really like it if—"

"I said _can you walk,_ not will you walk. In with you then, and if you fall I'm leaving you where you land."

Fili's wide grin was undeniable this time. "I'd expect nothing less."

Thorin shielded his own smug smile behind his well-practiced sneer. The boy would surely be the death of him, but it couldn't hurt to let him have his way—at least this once. Besides which, if he kept insisting to himself that it was only what Fili wanted, it might eventually be true. 

After shutting the door behind them, Thorin poured himself a glass of water from the pitcher by the bed. He downed the lot then refilled it, crossing the room to where Fili stood holding up the door with his backside. He handed over the mug then took Fili by the elbow, guiding him to the big armchair by the window.

With a grunt and spraying of water, Fili plopped down into the chair. He let out what could only be described as a giggle, followed immediately by a loud hiccup. Thorin sighed and moved to sit on the bed.

He inched one boot off, massaging the bottom of his foot before going to work on the other. Fili's gaze never left him. Thorin could feel it searing a hole in the top of his head even as he bent down. He let the other boot fall to the floor with a loud bang that didn't even phase his impervious nephew in the chair.

"Do you need help with your own?" Thorin grunted as he arched and popped his back.

"Do you think you'll ever feel proud of me, Thorin? Will you ever…will I ever live up to what it means to be an heir?"

With a dip of his head to his chest, Thorin let his eyes slide closed. "I've always been proud of you and Kili. You're my kin, my blood—"

"You always treated me a little harsher though. Mother said it was because I was the eldest, and should you have no heirs of your own, I'd become yours."

Fili's words faded and Thorin prayed to Aule that he'd passed out. His prayer was for not as Fili continued.

"I always thought she meant you'd take me as your own. At least that was my wish when I finally understood what our shared destinies implied. I used to pray you'd never marry or make any lady with child so I could have you, or at least you could have me as your heir."

"It was the immature thoughts of a dwarfling, Fili. Everyone has those dreams of grandeur and change."

"Except I'm not—" Fili's words were cut off as he breathed a big sigh. He leaned forward, his forearms resting on his knees as he wound his fingers through his hair. "I'm not dreaming, Thorin," he said when he lifted his head. "And I wasn't dreaming when you accepted what I had to say to you in Ered Luin."

"Fili—"

"No! Please…let me finish before the spinning in my brain takes me altogether."

Thorin nodded. Fili seemed far more lucid than he had only moments before, but the topic was surely one expansive enough to sober even the drunkest dwarf. The sadness in Fili's eyes told a story of great suffering that not even the most potent ale could erase.

"I've only ever wanted one thing in my life. Well, perhaps two, but they both boiled down to the same thing—you. Did you mean what you said about sweeping the memory of our time together from your mind?" Fili paused, his eyes pleading, voice wavering with emotion as he continued. "Please say you didn't mean it."

Thorin closed the distance between them, his intentions unclear even in his own mind. He paused when he was close enough for Fili to reach out a hand and grip in the bottom of his tunic.

"Don't—" Fili pleaded quietly, his gaze never leaving Thorin's.

"I was merely going to help you with your boots."

Thorin regretted his words when Fili instantly sucked his bottom lip between his teeth then dipped his head in submission. He dropped softly to his knees in front of Fili, immediately going about his task despite the aching that could only be described as radiating throughout his body. It was the closest he'd been to Fili since…well, in a while.

"Did you have anything more to say?" he asked as he bent his head to the floor, his fingers loosening the laces on Fili's boots. He was actually happy to have something to do with his hands since they felt unsure and useless at the ends of his arms.

Fili's fingers wrapped around Thorin's wrist, making him look up into his nephew's face. "Proud...that's all I ever wanted besides being at your side...for you to be proud of me. I don't know if I ever made you feel that way...Uncle."

The kiss was neither intentional nor responsible, but Thorin kissed Fili anyway. His immediate thought was how right Fili tasted on his tongue, familiar, inviting, soothing with just a tang of blood from the tear Fili had made in his bottom lip. It wasn't desperate or filled with overwhelming passion, just soft and silent, soothing and heartfelt, lovely, and—a mistake.

He pulled back, rising to his feet as Fili kept his head in the same position. Long threads of spun gold hung soft and tangled over his face, and Thorin couldn't help himself from sweeping them away so he could see the sharp lines of Fili's cheekbones, the strong set of his jaw, and tattered ends of his mustache braids. 

He didn't know what to say as silence filled the room with discomfort and awkward tension, he realized Fili's hands shook where he clutched the fabric of his trousers. _Mahal alive!_ Thorin had managed to do the worst thing possible—get Fili's hopes up. He stood stoically for a moment more, weighing the options of simply letting Fili be or trying to explain the kiss away. Fili beat him to the punch.

"Is it still all right if I stay here?" He peered up at Thorin, his face pale and blank, save for the twitching of one side of his mouth. "In the chair I mean…just…in the chair."

"Of course. Can you manage your boots the rest of the way?" Thorin hoped he could because his own resolve teetered precariously close to hauling Fili to the nearby bed, boots or no boots.

Fili's reply came in the form of a boot thumping to the floor, followed closely by the second. He shifted in the chair, reclining his head against the back so Thorin could see the sleepy, uneasiness in his eyes.

"Will you be comfortable in your wool tunic? The elves seem to keep it quite warm in here."

"I'll slip it off if you don't mind."

"Of course. Even I intend on being as comfortable as possible in such lavish accommodations for just one night." He forced a smile, as Fili's eyes threatened to slip closed. "Shuffle forward, Fili. Let me help you. The ale and time of night are quickly catching up with you."

With a nod, Fili shifted forward, holding out his left arm as Thorin reached for the hem. He bunched up the bottom then tugged all the layers of fabric over Fili's head. He marveled at the noticeable change in Fili's upper arms and shoulders, even from their last meeting in Ered Luin. He'd obviously been training hard if the definition in his biceps and tight swells of his chest were any indication. Not that Fili had ever been soft, but the extra muscle made Thorin view him as less of a youngster and more of an adult.

Of course, it was neither the time nor the place for such an observation to be brought forth, and there more than likely would never be one again.

"Blanket?" Thorin asked, tearing his eyes from Fili's exposed skin.

Fili shook his head, his body slumping back into the chair as he looked at Thorin with soft, tired eyes. "I'm fine. Thank you for letting me…just thank you, Thorin."

"Sleep, Fili. We've another long day ahead of us."

Thorin turned back to the bed, slipping his own tunic over his head and tossing it atop Fili's in the corner. He breathed a sigh of contentment when his naked skin rubbed against the softness of the sheets. It was like Heaven, but not a Heaven he could become accustomed to. He extinguished the lamp at the bedside, letting his whole body melt into the glorious softness of the mattress, then closing his eyes to the darkness.

He didn't worry about the length of time he would sleep since he'd never managed more than three or four hours at a time for as long as he could remember, except of course, his time with Fili. His ears sought for the familiar sounds of Fili in the darkness, but there were no telltale snores or even staggered breathing coming from his direction. Nothing except the telltale signs of a dwarf trying to get comfortable in a chair not made for comfort.

Thorin made an illogical choice by crawling from the bed, his feet hitting the floor softly as he maneuvered the unfamiliar room. Fili's eyes were closed but Thorin knew on instinct that he wasn't yet lost to his dreams.

He cleared his throat, reaching to encircle Fili's wrist between his fingers. "The bed's plenty big enough for us both…to sleep for a few precious hours." He tugged Fili's arm until the dwarf nodded.

"Only sleep…I promise," Fili replied with a slur.

They returned to the bed together, Fili awkwardly hovering on the edge as Thorin pulled the blanket over them. Something snapped inside him and he was suddenly pulling Fili toward him, wrapping an arm around his chest so they rested back to front. Fili didn't speak, his body poker straight at first, tense before he eased back into Thorin's embrace. It didn't take long until his quiet breaths of slumber floated to Thorin's ears. 

His senses soared with the touch of Fili’s skin on his, heart gaping open as emotions twisted and turned inside him. He felt the need to remind himself why the feelings weren't what they appeared to be, or more to the point, why he couldn't just keep Fili so close all the time.

"I worry," he whispered against Fili’s warm skin, his fingernails lightly scratching in the coarse hair that matted his chest. "I worry you won't become the dwarf you're destined to be if you remain too attached to me. You'll be a great leader one day, Fili, a proud and respected king with potential that far outweighs staying beside me for the rest of your days. You'll make someone a fine, loyal and loving partner, but first you must concentrate on who you are and what you can accomplish."

He huffed out a shaky breath, taking the opportunity to press a kiss to the back of Fili's head, chastising himself for lingering just a little too long in the familiar smell and feel of Fili's hair. He pulled back, nuzzling his nose in the nape of Fili's neck and willing himself to sleep, but not before four simple, but slurred, words broke the quiet of the room.

"I love you, Thorin."

Thorin didn't know if he returned the sentiment in his head or out loud, but he suspected Fili knew the truth without a single word being spoken—at least the deepest part of Thorin hoped he did.

~*~*~*~

It was Balin who woke Thorin hours later, the spot where Fili had lain cold and empty as Thorin smoothed a hand beneath the blanket.

"Can't sleep all day, laddie," Balin teased. "Fili has already roused and gathered the troops. The only thing missing is our leader."

He winked before turning back to the door, leaving Thorin with his rambling thoughts and the scent of Fili still filling his senses.


	10. Stone giants and a curious burglar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there. Life's been kicking me in the ass lately so my apologies for being so slow yet again. If anyone's still reading, I hope you enjoy Fili's POV this time around. :)
> 
> No beta - all mistakes are mine.

"Kili! Take my hand!"

Fili reached for Kili as the earth suddenly lurched under his feet. He felt himself shifting away from his brother as the entire rock-face they were standing on was lifted and swung to and fro. Thoughts, memories, regrets all swept through his mind as their platform appeared to be dropped from the sky to plummet them all to a quick death on the earth below.

He saw Kili when he was small—all big eyes and quick tongue chasing him everywhere he went. He saw the tables turn and it was Fili who was chasing his brother to keep him safe and out of trouble. He saw his mother, dark-haired and blue-eyed, always ready with a smile and comforting word if one was needed. And he saw Thorin. 

_Thorin past, present and future._

Thorin tossing Kili in the air until the dwarfling begged for mercy or promised to stop treading on the neighbors flowers. Thorin leaning in to kiss Fili for the first time. Thorin stripping Fili of his clothes in a haste they both had no power over controlling. Thorin sitting on his beloved throne in Erebor, one hand tangled with Fili's as he sat proudly at his king's—his lover's side. And Thorin finally revealing the true reason he wouldn't take Fili as his own—fear of Fili never living up to his true potential.

In those few short moments, Fili felt happiness and sorrow, hope and disappointment, love and pain, and on top of it all—regret. His whirling thoughts were accompanied by screaming dwarves, rumbling thunder, and the overwhelming pounding of his own heart. It was in the chaos of no more than a dozen heartbeats that he made a decision.

It was a choice not to be taken lightly since Fili's very soul could be tattered and his heart shattered into even more shards than had been the case at Bag End. It was a decision to be carried out without hesitation if only Aule would see fit to give Fili another chance—another chance to set things right with himself and his destiny. It was a chance he would take. And he'd risk anything and everything to see it through.

When the rock stopped swinging and dropping, Fili was startled to find himself, and all those around him, alive. He was quick to rise to his feet, his uncle's voice echoing in his ears. But it wasn't his name Thorin shouted. It was Kili's, and the underlying connotation it provided struck deep inside him. He whipped his head around in search of his brother, his heart beating hard and fast inside his chest.

But the relieved moment of seeing Kili was short-lived as Fili's attention was diverted to the clumsiness of the hobbit. Thorin came to Bilbo's aid, almost to the detriment of his own life, and had the unthinkable occurred, Fili knew he would have sent Bilbo sprawling off the cliffside as reparation. Of course, it would have also been forefront in his mind to throw himself off the rock in hopes he could somehow save his beloved, as well.

But Thorin was safe as he eyed-up Fili for no more than a split second while Fili was assisting Bombur to regain his footing. His blue gaze was dark, concerned, relief on top of stress adding extra lines around his mouth. Fili nodded in reassurance of his well-being, but Thorin had already turned away, barking out orders while the company moved to the shelter of a cave.

Fili's decision was fresh in his head as preparations were made to bed down for the night, the dwarves needing to regroup and realign their beaten bodies and torn minds. He dropped his pack, shaking the water from his drenched hair and removing his dripping outer coat. Kili took the garment from him, motioning with a quick jerk of his left shoulder and wide eyes in Thorin's direction. Fili shook his head and furrowed his brow, but he secretly appreciated his brother's persistence.

Thorin stood with arms crossed at the mouth of the cave, his gaze taking in all around him, his stance majestic in every way. Fili approached him slowly, a forced hitch in his step as he contemplated the important promise he'd made to himself in the heat and uncertainty of the moment. He smiled sheepishly at Thorin, hoping his voice was far less wavering than the nerves under his skin. But when he opened his mouth, his words were silenced by the appearance of Bilbo at Thorin's side.

 _By Durin's day!_ How was it that the burglar was always in Fili's way when it came to Thorin?

"I should thank you for…for saving my life," the hobbit stuttered as Fili took a step back.

Thorin snorted out his reply, damp braids clinging to his bare neck and throat. "Not necessary and I'd much prefer if you didn't."

Another step backwards didn't shield Fili from the conversation—not that he honestly wanted it to. 

Bilbo cocked his head, rocking forward on the balls of his feet as he continued. "I suppose if that's your preference, I'm not one to argue, but I wonder if you'd answer a question that's on my mind?"

"I make no promises until I've heard what you have to say."

"Fair enough." Bilbo paused with a sigh, a pause Fili should have taken advantage of and used to mind his own business. But his curiosity got the better of him. "I feel the need to be honest and, um, upfront."

Thorin squinted, his stance strong and immovable as he stared down at Bilbo. "About not having any skills? Of that I was well aware from the moment we met at Bag End." 

Bilbo snorted out his indignation. "Ha! No. That's not…nope, that's not what I meant. I knew of you before. I mean I'd heard _things_." He twisted his head from side to side as Fili stood perfectly still in his eavesdropping.

"What sort of things could a hobbit possibly hear from the confines of his tiny hole?"

Fili held back a grin, peering around to be sure he didn't seem completely conspicuous. No one seemed to be paying him any attention though, more than likely because Kili was cackling and clucking on the other side of the cave where the dwarves had all gathered. He was well aware that if Thorin noticed his presence he'd be in a world of trouble…again, but he stayed nonetheless.

"Well, there were stirrings of you and your _son_ ," Bilbo continued. 

Fili dipped his head, a strong urge to grab Bilbo away from Thorin soaring heavy and heated through him, but he held his ground. 

"I do not have a—"

"But then I was told you don't have a son or daughter, not even a wife or a…a lady dwarf…friend. So I wondered…see, I was just um…I wanted to know if the other thing I heard was…well, if it was…w-was true—"

Thorin grunted as Bilbo shuffled his feet and stuttered out his nonsense. "I'm quickly losing patience, and I believe I’m right in assessing that this discussion has nothing to do with being our burglar, does it?"

"There's no need to shout," Bilbo hissed back. He leaned in closer to Thorin. "I'm not one for gossip, you understand, but, well…the whisperings say that the king of Erebor will never have an heir because…well, um…because—"

"Spit it out. Because _what_?" Thorin growled.

Fili stepped forward quickly, securing Bilbo by the collar of his coat and yanking him backward. "I could use your assistance, Bilbo. Would you mind giving me a hand with…something?"

"I'm rather busy at the moment. Why are you yanking me about, Fili? Fili—"

"Let him loose, Fili," Thorin said as he moved to stand in front of the hobbit again. 

Fili held tight. "I'm just trying to—"

"I understand what you're doing but I don't need your help. Mr. Baggins has a question that's obviously been bothering him so whether my producing an heir is any business for a hobbit or not, I'll provide an answer."

"Thorin—"

Thorin raised a hand, effectively silencing Fili's concerns. "Dwarves are known to…reproduce later in their lives than say hobbits, so I've still plenty of time to take a wife or, how did you put it? A lady dwarf friend? As you've already discovered, I have two capable nephews to back me up so should I choose or be unable to have an heir of my own, Fili will succeed me with pride and honor."

Bilbo tugged his coat from Fili's grasp. "See, it wasn't a hard question after all, but there is one more…um, tale I've heard that I'm curious about."

"Well, by all means, ask away? It's not as if we have a journey to attend to or anything so pressing as a selection of gossip you heard at the market."

With a snort, Bilbo shook his head in a short, jerky motion. "Snarky doesn't suit you, Thorin, but I'll just come right out with it. Um, let me see. How can I ask this delicately?"

"No one requires your delicate intentions, Burglar. Out with it before I solemnly regret pulling you from that ledge."

"Fine…okay…all right. Do dwarves have um…relationships with other dwarves. I'm not talking male and female but well, you know…there's talk of you having a dwarf of the same…the same um…affiliation as yours staying with you in Ered Luin, if you catch my meaning."

Fili groaned deep in his throat, only able to contain his frustration because of the look of pure ice in Thorin's eyes. Would the audacity of this little naive creature never end? He was having a hard time liking Bilbo as it was, jealousy or what have you, but this conversation certainly wasn't winning the hobbit any points in Fili’s mind.

"If you're asking me if I had a companion when I was last in Erebor, and if that companion was a male, then the answer is yes."

Fili's eyes widened until they threatened to pop out of his head. "Thorin, perhaps I should get Bilbo started on—"

Thorin cut him off. "Fili stayed with me since he was also working at the forge, and his mother thought he needed to experience life other than what lay under her roof."

Bilbo cocked his head. "Fili was your…I mean, Fili was the one all the fuss has been about? Well, isn't that the strangest thing. All those idiots babbling about the king of Erebor and his consort boy.”

Fili gasped as Bilbo rattled on.

“Fili makes perfect sense, not that I'd fault you for being with another male as long as he was of age, of course. Though I'm not sure what constitutes being of age with you dwarves. I may have had certain feelings toward some boys at one time or another myself…not boys but young men, of course. You know it's not completely uncommon for hobbits to have such couplings as long as everything is kept discreet."

"Are we finished, Mr. Baggins? Or is there some other area of my life you'd like to barge your way into, as well?"

"Actually…actually there is, though I wouldn’t say I've been barging into your life at all. Seems to me I've every right to question the leader I've been contracted to assist. And seeing as how you think I'll be the one doing the burgling—is that a word? Burgling? Or is it burgularing? That doesn't sound any better, now does—"

"Bilbo," Fili hissed. "Thorin doesn't have time for your—"

Thorin cut in again. "Finish the question or you'll be a burglar with nothing to burgle."

Bilbo startled, pulling his vest tighter around himself before cocking his head and leaning closer to Thorin. Fili was quickly losing his patience with the hobbit, and he couldn't imagine why Thorin was letting the stuttering fool continue, unless…

"I'm just…I'm just wondering what the consensus is on dwarves, um…fraternizing with other creatures or beings or what have you."

"You're speaking in rhymes," Thorin growled again. "Plainly or be on your way."

Rocking back on his heels again, Bilbo looked annoyed or perhaps perplexed by Thorin's rude objection, but he replied nonetheless. "Do you ever wonder why everyone seems so nervous around you, Thorin? You don't exactly make a fellow feel welcome—"

"Is that your question, Hobbit?"

"Bilbo, why don't we go join the—" Fili's hiss was interrupted yet again, but by Bilbo this time.

The hobbit cleared his throat then made a whistling sound through his nose. "Fine. All right, I'll just ask then. Do dwarves…can dwarves…" He squinted up at Thorin, shoving his thumbs in the slashed pockets of his vest. "Have you ever known any dwarves who had…relations with say, I don't know…hobbits?"

Fili thought his brain would explode from the internalized pressure of his smoking desire to throttle Bilbo—and his heart right along with it. His mind rewound to Kili's comments about Bilbo fancying Thorin and suddenly he'd grasped the disrespectful hobbit by the arm and tossed him half-way across the cave. Thorin's eyes widened and he reached out a hand to Fili before rapidly pulling it back.

"What's gotten into you, Fili?"

Ignoring the sniveling hobbit who had been quickly surrounded by a group of confused dwarves, Fili didn't even pause to consider his actions as he proceeded to yank Thorin by his coat sleeve to the opposite corner of the cave. Thorin growled and grumbled, dragging his feet at first but then he seemed to give in and Fili’s task was made easier.

They stopped at the far corner, the air musty and sour while their faces were barely lit by the moon from the mouth of the cave. Thorin tore his arm from Fili’s grasp, stepping in close so their breaths mixed and mingled hot against Fili’s lips.

“I’ll not have you embarrass me in front of the others, nor anyone else. What by Durin has caused this rash behavior?"

Fisting his hands at his sides, Fili dragged the knuckles of his right hand over the knife encased deep in his pocket. “I am perfectly aware of how I’m behaving. How could you be so callous, Thorin? Is it not enough that you’ve rejected me, but now you allow one of your company to disrespect you in such a way?”

Thorin pursed his lips and cocked his head, his gaze boring holes into Fili’s skull as he leaned in even closer. “Rejected you? Is that what this is about? Some sort of ridiculous jealousy? I thought better of you, Fili. Surely you don’t think I’d throw myself at the hobbit or allow him to throw himself—”

Fili didn’t let him finish, he quickly stepped into the large shadow of Thorin’s body, pulling him harshly forward before moving backwards until his arse hit the wall. He kissed Thorin, hard and deep, shoving his tongue inside his uncle’s mouth when Thorin gasped against his lips. 

It didn’t last long, but it was sweet and desperate and cruel all at the same time. Thorin's taste popped in Fili's tongue, his body reacting to the short contact in the way only Thorin had ever made him feel. When Thorin finally pulled away, they both panted out heated breaths, their chests heaving as they continued to grasp each other’s arms.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Thorin scoffed as he twisted to look behind himself. He gave Fili a quick jolt so his body bounced off the wall before continuing. “I allowed you to share my bed last night—”

“You allowed me? Thorin, if you didn’t truly want me there, I would have had my arse kicked all the way back to my room. You brought me into your bed. You cradled my body against yours. You whispered words you didn’t know I heard. I told you I loved you and you said it back.”

“I did no such thing—”

Fili all but stomped his foot like a tantruming toddler—though he wanted to do just that. “Yes, you did, and you can keep denying me and your true feelings as long as you want, but…”

Thorin’s fingers slipped from Fili’s sleeves and Fili felt the loss like a cold wind whipping through him. “But what?”

He swallowed thickly, shunning his insecurities to the back of his mind, at least for the moment. He knew what he wanted to say, knew with every beat of his heart that it was the truth and only way he could live with himself, but could he say the words…out loud?

“Enough of this foolishness. You will go to Bilbo and apologize for your rude behavior.”

“Yes, I will,” Fili said while his heart beat as loud as the stone giants in his ears. “But not because you told me to. I’ll apologize because it’s the right thing to do, and because I’m not the sort of dwarf who blames others for his misfortunes.”

“I think you’ve been listening to Gandalf for too long. You’re speaking in riddles—”

“Hush,” Fili hissed, surprised that Thorin did just that. “I almost lost my life today. I almost lost Kil…and I almost lost you so it’s time I took my own destiny into my hands, wouldn’t you agree?”

"Thorin dipped his head, his words hissing against the wall of the cave. "Again…riddles.”

Fili huffed out a forced chuckle, shuffling his feet and letting his chin sink to his chest only long enough to compose his thoughts. “I’m not joking, Thorin, and I’m through letting you decide what _you_ want as if I have no say in our joined lives. I don’t intend on sitting back and waiting for you to let your heart speak any longer.”

He paused, searching Thorin’s wide eyes for a reason to stop, some unspoken consequence that would make the rest of his speech too risky. But all he saw was confusion and if he wasn’t mistaken, a little pride glowing in Thorin’s gaze.

“I’m going to get you back, Thorin. I’m going to prove that all the reasons you believe you have for holding me back are merely excuses that hold no validity. I’m stronger and more capable than you realize, and I’m putting you on notice that before you make your first ruling as King of Erebor, you’ll be loving me freely and without judgment from the only one that matters—you.”

Fili stroked a hand over Thorin’s jaw before sliding past him, his legs quivering and head spinning with dizziness. Despite his discomfort and the fear he’d fall to his knees in a intense flutter of nerves, he stifled a smirk. 

With Fili’s mind firmly engaged on what he needed to do, Thorin would never know what hit him.


	11. Wisdom and apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another late chapter. No need to apologize since I do it every single time. I hope you enjoy, regardless.
> 
> No beta so all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Thank you for your comments, and as I usually say, comments are love. Cheers.

Thorin took a moment to compose himself. His heart beat wildly in his chest, and trying to distract his own mind into thinking it was merely the entirety of the day that shook him to the core, was no longer working. Fili's taste lingered on his lips—sweet, smoky, perfect. It was harder still to convince himself he hadn't kept the memory of the complete obsessiveness that Fili drew from him with each pressing of their lips. He raised a hand to his mouth, drawing his finger over the tender puffiness, letting the thrumming of his body subside before he could go about his duties again.

And he certainly did have duties to attend to, twelve of them nestled damp and exhausted inside the cave, two of whom were not very pleased with one another. Fili's emotional assault, coupled with the desperate yet soothing nature of the kiss had thrown Thorin completely off his game. It was hard to be the staunch overseer when he was practically quaking in his boots for want of another kiss.

He didn't quite understand the feelings he was so fervently trying to stuff down, only that they were harsh and forceful and caused his skin to break out in gooseflesh. He'd obviously made the wrong decision in taking Fili into his bed at the elves' overbearing fortress, even more so in speaking unawares that Fili had been conscious and all-knowing. 

That was something he'd always seen in his eldest nephew, the quiet knowledge that nothing ever got past him whether he admitted to it or not. Fili held an old soul inside a young body, a giving and sacrificing gift much like Thorin's grandfather, at least before the gold sickness had begun to creep into his bones. 

Thorin had respected and loved Thror, and Fili reminded him of the great dwarf in many ways. He had the look of his father's side, but none of the reckless impulsivity or flighty values that had drove Thorin mad when it came to his brother-in-law. He saw some of those traits in Kili and that is why he'd always been more apt to keep an eye on him.

But Fili…Thorin had never worried for his safety when he was a lad, never pondered over the choices he made or the values and work ethic he possessed—at least not until Fili had kissed him the first time. After that, Thorin hadn't gone a single day without wondering how he was, what he was feeling, whether his heart still held Thorin's safely within it. And then when they'd parted that last time, he'd continued to worry but more about what his impulsive love had cost Fili or would cost him in the future.

Fili was all-important in Thorin's eyes, but that didn't mean he could just throw away his nephew's future by way of stealing and keeping his heart. It meant nothing of the sort, and admitting his love to himself didn't make his behavior any less reckless when it came to Fili's fate. 

Fili was meant for greatness, for an importance far outweighing Thorin's own or Thorin's passionate yearnings, for that matter. If he sincerely loved Fili with his very last breath, he would continue to hold him at bay until the one he loved took it upon himself to finally give up and concentrate on more for his life than Thorin could offer.

In a perfect world, Thorin's task would have been an easy one, but so far between the appearance of Fili's stubborn side and Thorin's own fallacies, it had proven to be anything but.

"Are you planning on spending the whole night staring at the wall?" 

Of course it would be Balin who sought Thorin out. Dwalin was far too respectful to butt into Thorin's private matters unless there was a threat of physical harm or an outbreak of a battle. But Balin had never had any qualms about saying what was on his mind…ever.

"Since when have my plans for the evening caused such great curiosity in you, my friend?"

"I was just pondering how it would make for a long evening of thinking far too much."

"Perhaps, I'm just resting away from the noise. Perhaps…I just needed to be alone for a spell. Ever consider that?" He snuck a peek at Balin who simply shook his head, apparently undeterred by his king's obvious hints.

"No, plus the bad smell was drifting all the way across the cave."

With a frown, Thorin pursed his lips in confusion. "Bad smell?"

"Aye, from all that hard thinking you were doing…about the lad I presume."

Thorin didn't even attempt to stifle the low chuckle that rose uncharacteristically up his throat. He turned to face his friend, trying to ignore the obvious twinkle in his eye and curl of his upper lip. "Am I to assume you viewed more than just my back turned to you then?"

Balin replied with his own rolling snicker. "Only because I was looking."

Thorin wasn't sure how to let Balin's answer settle into his mind, or perhaps it was best just to let it slide right past his subconscious. That did seem the better option. "Have you found a place to bed down, preferably away from the emotional outbursts of the young?"

"Everyone seems perfectly calm to me, except possibly you." Balin poked Thorin in the belly with his elbow. "And I don't think the dwarf you're referring to is all that young either, at least not in his heart."

"I'm not talking about—" Thorin snapped his jaw shut when his own harsh words echoed back at him. He lowered his voice and stared into Balin's eyes. "I'll not discuss this with you because there's nothing to discuss, and if there were, you've already voiced your opinion on the…subject."

Balin chuckled softy, Thorin's words having no detectable affect on him. "He's a young lion, that one. I see more of you in him every day."

"What?" Thorin shifted his stance, bending lower so his words would only be heard for the ears intended—the old ears. "How can you say that? He has no experiences or hardships to even compare with me. We're nothing alike."

"Never said he did. I merely said he reminded me of you. Perhaps not the _you_ standing before me, but you forget I've known you longer than most of the others, except for Dwalin of course. Fili is a replica of how you were before the tragedies that befell us."

Balin smiled sweetly as he continued and Thorin could have sworn he saw all the good memories they shared reflected in the gray of his eyes. They'd been through a lot together, and his old friend had always stuck by his side. He was grateful for that, but the situation Balin kept insisting on commenting on wasn't something Thorin wanted to speak of, or was it?

"You've always been quite frank about me sticking my nose in your business before," Balin said as if he'd read Thorin's mind. "But I'm not sure you've come right out with it this time. He's wearing on you, isn't he?"

Thorin sighed, taking two steps backward until his body rested against the wall. He was tired and damp, and, well, just on the cusp of losing his mind. Sliding his back down the rock, he didn't speak until his backside hit the ground. He transferred his weight to his heels and motioned with the tip of his head for Balin to join him. Balin did just that, using Thorin's shoulder to balance himself as he slipped down beside him.

"How much did you see?" Thorin asked, his eyes focused straight ahead where he could hear but not see the dwarves of his company.

Balin nudged his shoulder. "I saw him plant a good one on you."

"Balin," Thorin hissed. "That's not what I meant."

With a chuckle, Balin replied, "Saw him toss the burglar half-way across the room, too. Didn't strike me as something Fili would normally do."

Thorin's answer was hasty and left a bad taste in his mouth. "It's not." He ducked his head, then turned to meet Balin's gaze, using his own to state a silent apology. Balin nodded but stayed quiet. "At least I don't think it is. I seem to be learning some new things about my nephew…things I never expected."

"Such as?"

"He's stubborn and pig-headed, and doesn't know when to quit."

Another chuckle preceded Balin's reply. "Aye, laddie. Did I not just tell you there were similarities?"

"That's not funny."

"Wasn't meant to be. Merely stating the obvious that I'd imagine everyone but you can see."

It was Thorin's turn to keep his questions short. "Which is?"

"You have far more feelings for that lad than those of an uncle or surrogate father as it was when Fili was small."

"What do you mean _everyone_?" A thread of panic suddenly took Thorin's breath away. Everyone certainly couldn't mean just that, could it?

"Don't get your breeches in a bunch. I only meant those who know ya, mostly Dwalin and I, but maybe the wizard as well. You're only transparent to us who want to see through you."

Thorin shook his head. "I told Fili he was beginning to talk in riddles like Gandalf and I see the old man has rubbed off on you, too."

"He's a feisty old bird."

"And Kili? What do you think he sees?"

Balin cocked his head to the side as if he were picturing Thorin's youngest nephew in his mind. "That one's too caught up in avenging his brother's honor. Kili sees you as the one holding Fili's happiness hostage." Thorin opened his mouth to comment but Balin held up his hand. "Not that the lad's been disrespectful, but it's plain as day in those big honest eyes of his."

"I suppose you're right."

Balin cupped his ear. "Could you say that again, laddie?"

Thorin furrowed his brow as he twisted to look at him. "What?"

"Not often I hear you say I'm right so I'd like to savor it, thank you very much."

A throaty laugh slipped past Thorin's lips. "I'm glad I amuse you."

Once Balin had stopped his own soft laughter, he clucked his tongue. "So what did he say?"

"Fili?"

"No, I'd say his words were pretty clear in his body language and the force of his mouth on yours. Not giving up is what I saw. Not letting you take his good nature for granted either."

"Now that's not fair."

"Aye, it is, but I meant Bilbo. What did he say to make Fili play toss the hobbit?"

With a sigh, Thorin pushed his tangled hair from his face. "Fili said he disrespected me."

"And how do you see it?" Balin's bushy eyebrows connected in the middle as his face turned serious.

"If it wasn't so preposterous I'd almost think he propositioned me."

"He wanted to sell you something?"

"No," Thorin said, a wave of frustration sweeping through him. "Unless you consider him as offered goods."

"What? That's preposterous."

"Isn't that what I just said?"

Balin snickered under his breath. "And did ya take him up on it, laddie?"

"Again…not funny."

"But the lad—Fili, I mean—must have thought it was a possibility."

"The ridiculousness of youth."

"Or the ire of a jealous lover. Well, I can see where it comes from. The halfling seems quite taken with you at times."

"I barely speak to him and when I do it's to tell him how annoyed he makes me."

"Doesn't stop him from being curious about what's under your breeches though."

Thorin's jaw dropped open, an involuntary gasp slipping up his throat. "Balin! What sort of talk is that for an old dwarf? The hobbit's…he's…that can't be what's going through his mind."

"Ya can't judge that, I guess. But seems Fili sees it a different way." He paused, fingering the front of his jacket as Thorin waited him out. "So…last we spoke, I told you not to shut the door on your heart quite so permanently. What say you tonight?"

"Honestly? I don't know."

"Does that mean you're admitting your feelings? Even just a little."

With the most minimal of shrugs, Thorin dropped his head back to rest on the wall. "You've always been able to read me, old friend, and this time is no different. I'm torn between my duties and, well, what I feel for Fili."

"Duties as our leader or king?"

"Both I suppose, but also my duty as his uncle. I can't help thinking I'd be holding him back from his true potential."

"If you ask me—which I know you didn't—you're holding him back now more than later. He knows his head and he knows his heart, and both seem to want you. That doesn't mean to say he has no ambition because I believe he surely does. But I think it means he'd go just as far or maybe further with you at his side."

"Me at his side? I've never really considered it that way before, more him at my side."

"Aye, I figured as much. But I believe the support in having the one you love with you is as important as all the courage you can muster for yourself. It's something to consider at least, is it not?"

"And what of the gold?"

Balin bumped his arm against Thorin's. "You've lost me. The gold of Erebor?"

"Yes." Thorin hadn't voiced these particular thoughts to anyone, and they only added to his indecision. "What if the sickness claims me as it's done others?"

"I've always known that frightens you, Thorin, but in my humble opinion, that's simply another reason to consider what the lad is offering."

"And drag him down with me? Surely you don't mean that?"

"I think the problem is that you only look at the situation in one perspective, just as you admitted to with regards to having Fili at your side rather than you being at his."

Thorin considered Balin's words then nodded. "Go on."

"You remarked on how Fili has surprised you, been unexpected in his behavior even? Well, this could work the same way if you let yourself think in another manner. If you're on the brink of madness, that boy who has shown just how big his stones really are, will do everything he can to pull you back so hard your head will spin for a week."

It was almost a nice thought—Fili caring so much he would put himself, body and soul, on the line for Thorin. But that's exactly what Thorin didn't want…wasn't it? "But at what expense, Balin? And do I really have the right to bring him down with me?"

"My honest opinion?"

"Of course. When have I ever asked for anything less?"

"You let your heart go to where it wants to lead you, you might be surprised at just how safe and happy you and your _One _will be."__

__Thorin heaved out a sigh as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "When did you become so wise?"_ _

__"I don't know exactly, but I do know I don't spend my time staring at cave walls and thinking too much. Come on…let's go get some shut-eye. Morn comes far too quickly and we still have a long road to travel."_ _

__"That we do, old friend."_ _

____

~*~*~*~

"Bilbo? Would you mind if I had a word with ya?"

Fili squatted down beside the hobbit, wincing when the poor fellow nearly jumped to his feet to get away from him.

"I don't…I don't think—"

"You'll not be causing anymore ruckus, Fili?"

Fili knew it was definitely more of a statement than a question. He dipped his head in Dwalin's direction. "I swear on my mother's life."

Kili squinted over at him, suspicion shading the whites of his eyes. "Are you sure that's a good idea? Bilbo's still a little shaken up from before."

"If you think he'll be more at ease, you're welcome to join us. It won't take but a moment." Fili nodded at his brother, hoping the weight of his stare helped ease his doubting mind.

"I still think Bilbo might prefer to settle in a bit before you—"

"Bilbo is right here!" The hobbit cleared his throat, pulling at the collar of his shirt then wringing his hands in his lap. "I mean…I'm…I'm right here, and also perfectly capable of speaking and thinking for myself."

"A moment then?" Fili repeated, motioning his arm to the side as he rose to his full height again.

Bilbo looked nervous as was the case a lot of the time. But this time Fili knew he'd had a jealous hand in making him that way. When the hobbit followed him to his feet, he strode to the bit of wall near the entry of the cave, nodding to himself when he heard Bilbo shuffling along behind him. Once he'd turned to face him, Bilbo shrunk back from his proffered hand.

Fili held both hands up in much the same way he would to a frightened pony. "I only mean to apologize for my behavior, Bilbo. I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier."

"The way you tossed me to my arse, you mean."

"Yes, that, and any harsh words I might have used while doing it." Fili paused as Bilbo seemed to stare right through him. "If I can make it up to you, I'll surely try."

Rocking back on his heels, Bilbo hooked his thumbs in his pockets and gnawed on the inside of his cheek. "Mmm hmm…mmm hmm. You might…you could…how about you tell me what set you off? I always considered you to be one of the more sane members, if you know what I mean, but this…this I can't understand."

Fili pulled gently on one of the beads of his mustache, his other hand gliding over the knife tucked deep in his pocket. He needed to put Bilbo at ease without actually telling him anything important. "Can I ask you a question?"

"I suppose," Bilbo replied, hesitation rolling off his words.

"Have you ever been in love, Bilbo?"

Bilbo's eyes flew open, his hands suddenly a flurry of activity in front of his face. "I don't see how that's relevant to anything we were discussing." He cackled a string of nervous laughter, clapping a hand over his mouth when the sound echoed off the walls. "What I mean to say is…what I'm trying…what do you mean exactly?"

"How about I put it this way?" Fili said, choosing his words as carefully as he could muster considering how tired and on the verge of complete emotional breakdown he was feeling. "You've known people who love one another, yeah?"

"I suppose. Yes."

"Good. So say they were separated for a time and one of them was worried that the other would forget the way their hearts beat together so perfectly. Would you feel inclined to be protective of them? Would you want to ensure nothing happened that might affect how much they meant to one another?"

"I guess I would, if I considered myself close to them."

"They would be close to you for sure."

Bilbo shrugged before popping out his bottom lip. "Then yes. I think I would try to help."

"Good lad, and that's what I was doing."

"What you were…what?"

"With Thorin. I was…helping to ensure no one came between him and…you know?" The look of confusion on Bilbo's face didn't bode well with Fili's growing frustration. "What I mean to say is—"

"Someone loves Thorin?" Bilbo grimaced as his voice heightened again. He calmed his voice to a loud whisper. "Someone loves Thorin and you're making sure Thorin doesn't forget?"

"Something like that, yes."

"But what on earth does that have to do with assaulting me?"

Fili tried once more before he allowed himself to give up. "So if I thought someone nearby might try to get between Thorin and his…the one who loves him, would I be justified in acting a little protective?"

"I suppose so. He is your uncle of course—oh! You thought that I…that I was trying to…oh dear…" Bilbo looked on the verge of total and complete panic. His cheeks pinked up and his hands grasped madly at the legs of his trousers. "I would never…I've never even…is that what it sounded like?"

"Perhaps a wee bit."

"Then you were perfectly justified in being upset with me, though throwing me might not have been the best way to show your displeasure. Oh dear, does Thorin think I was—oh dear, oh dear, oh dear."

"No," Fili replied quickly. "He's a bit daft between the ears when it comes to these things. So you're not interested in him?"

"Heavens, no! Never. That would be…I just can't even imagine."

"Total misunderstanding then. Again, my apologies for my rash behavior."

Bilbo nodded, reaching out his hand to grasp Fili's. "Accepted. No harm done."

Fili nearly swooned with relief as he shook Bilbo's hand then directed him back to the others.

The hobbit leaned in closer, fingers gripping the sleeve of Fili's jacket. "Is it Kili?"

With a jolt, Fili halted their progress, turning to face Bilbo with what he hoped was mass confusion glazing his eyes and not mass hysteria instead. "Is what Kili?"

"You know, who loves Thorin?"

"No! Why would you ever think that?"

"He just seems a little short with him sometimes…Kili with Thorin I mean. It's always the ones who overcompensate the most that are the guilty parties."

Fili gave his head a shake, deciding it was best to just let the statement go. "Well, it's not Kili." But Bilbo, bless his bumbling hobbit heart, wasn't finished.

"You know it's not unheard of for members of the same family to be intimate, at least in the case of hobbits."

With real fear that his head might suddenly explode, Fili squinted down at Bilbo. "What?"

"Not that I've ever done…or even thought about it with my own family…" His words trailed off when they reached the circle of the others. "Perhaps that's…never mind. Maybe I should just turn in."

"Good idea," Fili said with a pat to Bilbo's back. "Sleep well." He turned toward the spot where Kili was already laying out his bedroll.

"Everything all right?" his brother asked. Fili nodded with a smile as he readied his own blanket. "Not going to chance laying beside Thorin?"

Fili shook his head. "No. I think we've had quite enough of each other for the day."

"Is that a good thing or bad?"

He rolled to face Kili, ruffling his brother's hair before he closed his eyes. "I'm hoping it's a very good thing, little brother. A very good thing indeed."


	12. Dreams of the past - Fili

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a flashback chapter except for a couple of sentences. I wasn't sure how to make that clear unless I italicized it, but that would have been way too many italics. So I'm telling you instead.
> 
> Flashback starts here. :)
> 
> (next chapter will also be one but in Thorin's POV)
> 
> Enjoy and thanks for reading.

The dwarves' rest would be short-lived the night they almost lost themselves to the stone giants, but Fili still had time for some memories to break into his short slumber.

~*~

The two-room stone dwelling Fili shared with Thorin was quiet when he walked through the door at the end of a grueling day at the forge. It was a bit of a surprise since Fili had not seen Thorin for the better part of the day. It wasn't as though they worked in each other's pockets, but their routine was to walk home together. More often than not, they stopped for a pint at the tavern. It was the same one where Thorin had taken a room when he returned to Ered Luin, and also where Fili had first revealed his true feelings for his uncle as well as their entwined fates.

They'd secured their cozy place a month after Fili had moved in with Thorin, with the half-arsed excuse it would be beneficial for him to take advantage of Thorin's expertise. Truth be told, it had been Thorin's idea, but he'd left Fili to explain it to his mother. Kili knew the reality, of course, sworn to hold the secret using his beloved bow as a promissory note. A stern look from Thorin had been all Kili really needed to guard the truth with his very life, but Fili had made him put forth the bow all the same. That's what little brothers were for after all.

Fili sunk heavily into a wooden chair that was literally on its last legs, dragging his boots off then tossing them side by side against the wall. His light coat was next as he moved further into the room, leaving it haphazardly thrown on the second bed that rarely saw any use. It was intended strictly for show should his mother or anyone else happen to drop by. But on occasion Fili used it to get away from Thorin after he'd indulged in a bit too much mead, and his incessant snoring almost shook the rafters of the entire house.

Despite the thundering of Thorin's imbibed-slumber and the odd disagreement here and there—because no one was perfect after all, let alone two hard-working adult dwarves with stubbornness engrained in their bloodlines—Fili was the happiest he'd ever been. After only three months, things between him and Thorin were still new but comfortably familiar at the same time. Their relationship and Thorin's attentions brought so much joy to Fili's heart, and so much hope for their future together. Some days he felt like a blushing bride on her day of betrothal, just as he'd felt their first night together. It was ridiculous and sweet, and by Durin, he would never tell another living soul about those particular thoughts.

That wasn't to say Thorin didn't make Fili shake his head and speak his own mind when it was warranted, but Thorin had taken to being in Fili's constant company far better than Fili had ever anticipated. He was still a headstrong, over-bearing, opinionated, bossy grouch more often than not—but he was Fili's headstrong, over-bearing, opinionated, bossy grouch, and that made all the difference in the world. 

Had Fili had more of his uncle's temperament, he wasn't sure they wouldn't have killed each other in the first few weeks, but that wasn't Fili's personality. Of course, that wasn't to say he bowed to all of Thorin's wishes, he just didn't fight him on the small, everyday things. Since he'd known Thorin and his habits his entire life, plus being in love with him for so long, he seriously doubted Thorin's actions could surprise him in any way.

Fili had washed off most of the grime of the day before he left the forge, stalling for time as he waited with high hopes that Thorin would join him. His after-work absence had actually become a bit of a habit as of late, and Fili had nodded off alone three nights already that week. When he'd mentioned in to Thorin, not in any way meaning to pry or be heavy-handed, his uncle had shrugged it off with the reasoning that he was simply picking up additional coins when he could.

Fili didn't question why he hadn't been asked to do the same because facts were facts, and he still had a lot to learn at the forge. Thorin was a skilled worker bordering on obsessiveness in anything he attempted, and the obvious choice between the two of them has really no choice at all. So Fili spent his alone time washing their clothes, taking stock of their meager food offerings, and indulging in something he'd forgotten he enjoyed so much—reading.

His love of books and stories had fallen by the wayside since the time of his lessons, more important things like training, working and running amuck with Kili having taken its place. But now he felt settled, loved and even a tad domestic, and he was perfectly content in that knowledge. Kili teased the ever-loving crap out of him about it, but Fili's quieter existence with Thorin at his side suited him just fine. Plus, Kili had yet to put himself to the task of finding an ongoing, stable occupation nor a relationship to keep him busy, so free time was still his friend.

Most nights Fili and Thorin spent in each other's company, sitting or reclining by the small fireplace, just speaking about the events of the day, or more aptly, Thorin's adventures up to that point of his life. He could make Fili roar with laughter with a simple tale of the stupidity of man or the stubbornness of dwarves. They laughed and smiled a lot, something others would find hard to fathom when it came to Thorin's somber public face. He also well-versed at hiding just how much love he had inside him for his family and his heritage, and for Fili, as well.

They talked often of Erebor and Thorin's intentions to still be in her arms once again. Fili believed Thorin woukd see his dream come true and he was determined to be standing at his side when he did. Thorin's dream was Fili's by association, and out of love. His happiness was always utmost in Fili's mind, always closest to his heart.

One of the things Fili looked forward during their quiet evenings at home was Thorin's request for him to read out loud. It involved two of Fili's favorite things—books and Thorin—so there were no drawbacks at all. Thorin liked to sit opposite him while he recited, head relaxed back into his chair, his eyes closed while he simply took in Fili's words. It was intimate in a way Fili had never anticipated. and when Thorin did open his eyes, there was almost an overwhelming amount of love shining through. 

After stoking the fire and inhaling an apple, Fili settled himself on their bed, his back against the wall, a neatly-bound, but worse for wear book on his lap. His thoughts continued to stray to Thorin, worry brushing everything he tried to read quickly out of his head. He trusted Thorin and it wasn't his secretive behavior that concerned Fili in the least, it was the fact Fili thought Thorin was pushing himself too hard. He looked tired and drawn, the late nights obviously catching up with him regardless of whether he'd admit to it or not.

The extra coin was always appreciated, and since Fili and Thorin both gifted part of their wages to Dis, it was even more important. But Fili didn't want to see Thorin burn himself out for the simplicity of a few more vegetables or an extra blanket for the impending winter. Alas, Fili would never tell him as much. Thorin was nothing if not prideful, even in the face of exhaustion.

Closing his book, Fili rubbed the bridge of his nose while he rested his head against the wall. He had every intention of waiting up for Thorin, their alone time still precious and mightily desired to appease the ache in Fili's heart and soul. He was indeed a bit of a romantic when it came to such things, something Thorin swore up and down did not come from his side of the family.

Fili knew better, saw and felt it in the small things Thorin did for him every day, things no one else would notice, but made his heart sing. Whether it was the tender kiss he was sure to press on Fili's lips before they went out the door every morning, the gentle way he wove Fili's braids, or the sly method he used to ensure Fili received more than his rightly portion at their evening meal, it all added up to a feeling of immense love and companionship.

He must have dozed off because the next thing he knew, the loud thump of his book hitting the floor startled him. He was simultaneously pushed and pulled under the blankets and fur of their bed, Thorin's hard body pressed against Fili's back, his strong arms wrapping Fili snugly in his embrace. 

Fili tried to speak but the soft press of lips on his neck, the familiar scent of sweat and iron and heat, and Thorin, plus the gentle breaths of immediate slumber wisping against his hair, encased him in a sweet spell, and he was quickly dragged under again.

~*~*~*~

Morning came far too quickly, but Fili's body was accustomed and adept at waking early, even on the odd day they didn't have to work. Blinking to clear the sleepy spots in his eyes, Fili grinned as the comforting snuffles and snorts that assured him Thorin was still fully asleep, filled his ears. He flipped slowly to his back, careful to not disturb his sleeping lover, or Aule forbid, roll onto his long hair. He knew from experience that was not a good thing.

Watching Thorin sleep was one of Fili's secret pleasures, one that he'd been indulging in for as long as he could remember. A completely relaxed Thorin, still and boneless, was a beautiful sight to behold. Fili appreciated the tiny crow's feet around his eyes that showed experience and determination, the gentler set of his usually firm jaw, the full kissable lips that puffed and quivered with each breath. He'd wanted to kiss those lips forever, and now he could do it as often as he wished…at least within reason.

"I intend on breaking you of that habit one day." Thorin's eyes cracked open slowly, a smug smirk curling one side of his mouth. "Am I truly that interesting to view when I'm asleep?"

Fili was unflappable. "Of course you are. Do you think I would waste my previous time on someone boring or unremarkable? That's not what the firm hand of my uncle taught me." 

Thorin's laugh was always music to Fili's ears, and that he rarely shared it with anyone else was a travesty, but also a massive boost to Fili's ego. He was perfectly fine with not sharing that part of Thorin, or any other for that matter.

"You've become arrogant over the past while, nephew. I'm not sure it suits you." 

Thorin tugged Fili into his strong arms, eyes sparkling like gems in the early morning light, those perfect lips pressing a quick but heartfelt kiss to his mouth. It was exactly the way Fili liked to start his day, and imagining a time without Thorin, heated and sturdy beside him, was a time not worth remembering. He had truly become arrogant and spoiled when it came to seeking and holding Thorin's attention, but not enough so that he didn't cling to him at any chance he was given…within reason of course.

"I don't believe I had an arrogant bone in my body until three months ago," he said as he rested his forehead to Thorin's. He slid a hand under Thorin's undershirt, winding his fingers through the thick matting of chest hair, just exploring the warm and beauty that was Thorin. 

"Cheeky," was Thorin's only reply as a sudden yawn stretched his jaw wide.

Fili frowned as Thorin's eyes watered with the force of the yawn. "You've not been getting enough sleep," he said. "I shouldn't have woken you. You need the rest."

Thorin moved with quick precision, flipping Fili to his back and capturing his mouth in a hard, passionate kiss. His tongue slid between Fili's lips, drawing a deep moan that shook Fili's insides. He wound his own tongue gratefully around Thorin's, pressing and prodding as he chased the kiss and sought to keep it.

Thorin pulled away breathlessly, scraping his teeth over Fili's bottom lip, lapping away the sting before smiling devilish down at him.

"What I don't need is a mother in my bed instead of a cherished one." His words were strong but not a bit harsh or angry, his blue eyes gentle and loving despite his attempt at faking his true sentiments. "And staying in bed isn't an option. We've a full day ahead of us. We best get moving."

Fili groaned, dragging Thorin's warm body closer, refusing to loosen his hold until Thorin pressed a knee to his groin, but only enough to make Fili flinch. "That's not fair, now is it?" he complained with no heat to his words. "We don't have to work today. Don't you think we're due a lazy start to the day? You're not picking up some extra time again, are you?" 

He hoped his disappointment didn't show, but that's exactly what he would have been had Thorin not suddenly grabbed his wrists and held them immobile over his head. Thorin shook his head before rubbing their noses together then licking across the full width of Fili's mouth. 

Fili groaned, struggling to get his hands free as Thorin chuckled and dipped his head to lap and suck at Fili's neck, his hips grinding against Fili's body until he could barely breathe . "What happened to our full day?"

Thorin's growly reply vibrated against Fili's neck, a spark of agonizing want shooting straight to Fili's groin. "You talk too much." 

A sharp nip behind Fili's ear had his back bowing off the bed. He bucked up into Thorin, fire chasing up his spine. "Thorin," he moaned when his hips were forced back down, his arousal pressing painfully against the matching firmness beneath his uncle's smallclothes.

"Do you have something to say, nephew?"

With a growl almost rivaling Thorin's, Fili shifted his body, spreading his legs then quickly wrapping them around Thorin's thighs. Thorin grunted against him, moving his lips from the sensitivity of Fili's neck to crush their mouths together. The kiss was raw with need, sloppy with excess saliva, and uncoordinated to the point of teeth clicking together and noses bumping. It was perfect…but unfortunately, it didn't last long.

When Thorin dragged his mouth from Fili's, letting his hands free as he lifted his warm torso off Fili's body, Fili hooked his feet around Thorin's legs. Thorin struggled meagerly to free himself, but Fili held fast, gritting his teeth as Thorin grinned down at him.

"Showing some dominance, are you? Have an itch you need scratched, my cherished one?"

Fili's resolve broke, the resonating of his uncle's deep voice just too difficult to resist. He leaned up for another kiss, clearing the way for Thorin to push off the bed, his larger body forcing Fili's legs to the sides. Thorin's departure from Fili's body was swift, too fast for him to even protest as Thorin jumped to his feet and proceeded to start dressing. He chuckled heartily, his amused gaze shining down on Fili.

"You're cruel, Thorin," he said as he folded his arms behind his head. He canted his hips, showing Thorin exactly what he was missing in the form of the tenting of his smallclothes. "Are you sure I can't tempt you to stay in bed a little longer. It is our first day off in a fortnight."

"I've learned to laugh in the face of temptation," Thorin said with a straight face. Fili, on the other hand, couldn't hold back his amusement.

"I believe I'm quite skilled in that area as well, being that I held off on chasing you for so long."

Thorin cocked his head as he reached for his pants on the floor. "Is that how it happened? You chased me? I have no recollection of that."

"You're lucky then, since I'm extremely hard to resist when I'm on the prowl."

Thorin laughed out loud, his head falling back as he dropped his trousers again. He was still chuckling when he leaned back over the bed, pressing a slow, lazy kiss to Fili's mouth. Fili grabbed at him but Thorin was too quick.

"You're highly amusing for so early in the morning, but your charm won't save you from getting out of bed. Do you think I'll let you get fat and lazy while you lounge around all day?"

"Fat and lazy?" Fili was appalled at Thorin's statement, or he would have been had Thorin been able to say it with a straight face. "Perhaps you shouldn't throw stones at someone far less on in years. If either of us is going to become those things, it'll surely be you first."

Thorin didn't even bat an eye at his cockiness. "Up with you. No reason to spoil a perfectly good day by staying inside. Is that how I raised you?" 

Fili moaned out his disapproval, unaccustomed to not getting a little more affection before his uncle left him cold and lonely in their bed. "You and your bloody rules. Can you at least come back to bed for a quick round before you go marching me about town on whatever errands you've decided upon for the day? You can see what your teasing has caused, can't you?"

"Yes, it's highly arousing," Thorin said with a smug smirk. "I believe I taught you to control your urges, did I not? It makes it far more enjoyable later." He tossed Fili his shirt. "But don't fret, there'll be no errands. I've got something else planned altogether."

Fili was intrigued. "Visiting my mother?"

"No."

"Talking Dwalin into sparring?"

"No."

"Kili?"

"No."

"Fixing the squeaky door of that old lady down the way…the one with hearts in her eyes every time you glance her way."

Thorin snorted his negative reply. "If you'd get your lazy arse out of bed, you'd be more likely to find out than laying there whining like a dog in heat."

"A dog in heat? Really?"

"I couldn't think of anything else on the spot. But regardless of my metaphor, get out of the bloody bed."

Fili grumbled a little more but did as Thorin requested. He held out his arms when he was properly dressed. "All done. Now tell me what adventure awaits me." 

"Does your mother know you speak to me in such a way?" Thorin called out from the corner of the room that housed the small kitchen.

"I suppose not," Fili replied. "But she also doesn't know I kiss you at every opportunity or lie beneath you most nights."

"So obscene," Thorin said. He returned from the kitchen with two apples and a chunk of bread. He handed Fili his share and moved to sit on the end of the spare bed. "I'm certain you're far cheekier than your brother now." 

Fili giggled as he took a big bite, almost choking when Thorin tugged him closer by the hem of his tunic. He didn't struggle of course, just let Thorin be all dominant and bossy as was usually the case. His patience was also rewarded as it usually was when Thorin dragged him between his spread thighs and pressed his face to Fili's belly.

They stood that way for a while, Fili's meal forgotten in one hand as he wrapped the other snug around the back of Thorin's neck. Thorin's own meal lay beside him on the bed, both his hands occupied as they rubbed over Fili's shoulders, his back and his arse.

Fili broke the comfortable silence first. "You just made me get dressed. Perhaps I should have disobeyed your wishes."

Thorin growled, sending vibrations throughout the entirety of Fili's body. "Just taking a moment of appreciation," he said, his words partially buried against Fili's body.

It was Thorin's way of telling Fili he was loved. He had only said the actual words once, that being the first night they'd spent together, but as with everything else, Thorin's actions spoke far louder than his words. Fili leaned over, pressing his lips to the top of Thorin's head, brushing a kiss then letting his mouth linger. 

"I love you, my One," he whispered, feeling Thorin automatically tense before he pulled Fili closer. "I've missed you. Does that make me sound needy?"

"A tad," Thorin replied, but Fili felt his lips curl up into a smile against his belly. "All will be revealed soon."

Fili straightened back up, moving his hand so his fingers tangled in Thorin's hair. He tugged just a little, Thorin's gasp then chuckle making him want go do it again…several times more actually, and preferably with less clothing in the way. But he didn't.

"If you're trying to drive me mad with curiosity, you're doing a fine job. What are you up to?"

Thorin released his hold, steadying his hands on Fili's hips and pushing him back gently. He stood, his tall stature forcing Fili's head up and back, before planting a firm but chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth. "The sooner we're on our way, the sooner your curiosity will be sated."

Fili shook his head, tucking a piece of bread into his mouth as he stepped away from Thorin. "Some days your bossiness is truly unmatched."

"Best get used to it since one day I'll be more than just your boss. I'll be your true--"

"My true king. Yes, I recall a few conversations about that over the years. As heir apparent, I will have duties and responsibilities, and most of all, be expected to serve you."

He regretted his words when Thorin's brow wrinkled and his eyes grew instantly dim. "It will happen one day, Fili. I swear it on my grandfather's tomb."

Fili stepped closer, invading Thorin's personal space as he laid a tender hand on his cheek. "I know it will, and I'll be the first in line to call you majesty."

Thorin encircled him in his arms again, Fili breathing deep to get his fill of Thorin's essence. It calmed and excited him at the same time, and had he been a little less uncomfortable with his previous words, he would have dropped to his knees and pleasured Thorin for the entirety of the day. He'd still make it his goal, but it could wait until Thorin had his turn at whatever his mind was turned to at the moment.

After one last kiss on the lips and the cheek, Thorin squeezed Fili's hand then moved to ready his boots. Fili joined him and soon they were teasing and laughing, before they were finally out the door and into the sunshine of the day. 

~*~

Fili woke from the sweetness of his dream to the ground falling out from under him.


	13. Dreams of the past - Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little sweet but hopefully I haven't Thorin sprawling into complete fluffy-ville. I think I was influenced by my discord over how his relationship with Fili has been overlooked in the films (can only vouch for one but mumblings of DOS provide the same impression). That's only my own opinion of course.
> 
> Anyhow, hope you like. Again this is a flashback so hopefully no one will be confused on that. No beta - I'm on my own so all mistakes are mine. Kudos and comments are love. :)

It took Thorin a good long time to wind down once he'd settled on top of his bedroll. He was safe in the knowledge Bofur was standing watch…mostly. A glimmer of disappointed had appeared inside him when Fili had made no effort to move his own blanket closer, but Thorin's subconscious took care of the need in his heart when at last he dropped off.

~*~*~

~~After one last kiss on the lips then the cheek, Thorin squeezed Fili's hand before moving to ready his boots. His nephew joined him and soon they were teasing and chuckling, and finally out the door and into the sunshine of the day.

Having been to their intended destination just the night before, Thorin took a little pride in steering Fili in just the right direction. Fili trotted along beside him as he always did, no questions asked, trusting and seemingly content to just be with Thorin. He was bright and talkative in his flirting and banter, and it had been a great temptation not to simply head home and fall back into bed with him—with his One.

The endearment still shook his insides a little. He'd never anticipated having a cherished one, let alone one so close and already engrained in his life. He supposed if he examined the past carefully enough, he might find clues to what was to become, some hints that the dwarfling he helped raise was also the adult he would love with his last breath. And Fili was indeed that—a lover to make Thorin constantly on the edge of arousal, a mate to understand him far better than he'd ever expected could be possible, and a heart to sink his own into when so few thought he even had one.

It was amazing actually, how well they fit together from the beginning—thoughts, bodies, concealed or unconcealed emotions. Fili fueled Thorin's passion for life. He made Thorin younger and stronger and better than he'd felt in years. He was the sun and the moon and all the stars put together in a patient, loving, accepting package, and Thorin would take that particular opinion to his grave. 

Fili was better with words than Thorin, at least words that involved matters of the heart. But he didn't overindulge, didn't make things feel sickly sweet with his affections or make Thorin uncomfortable with his inability to speak them. In Thorin's mind it was purely a give and take relationship, one of equals in all things…except perhaps when it came to those specific words of love. He was hopeful that despite his lack of expressing them, he conveyed them in others ways because he truly did love Fili with everything he was. That's what today was about, Thorin's ability to show better than he could tell.

"Still not going to tell me?" Fili broke through Thorin's thoughts with a nudge of his shoulder. Thorin twisted his head to see worry shadowing his sweet face. "You seem lost, Thorin. Are you all right?"

"Perfectly. You're just too curious for your own good." They'd arrive at their destination soon, then Thorin would be able to breathe easier, and Fili would have less to concern himself with…hopefully.

"Are you sure? If I've done something to—" 

"Hush, my love. Your patience shall soon be rewarded."

Thorin kept clomping along, never slowing his determined steps even when he realized Fili had come to a complete stop. He knew it was his choice of words that had startled his nephew to a standstill. Had he ever used such an endearment before? He thought not, and that's what obviously had Fili all bottled up with confusion.

He slowed his pace, turning to walk backwards as Fili started walking again. "Yes, I said the words. Now can he continue or must I pick your jaw up off the ground and carry you as I did when you were small?"

Fili giggled. Some might say it was an _undwarfly_ way of describing the sound, but in Fili's case it was true. He giggled often and it only endeared Thorin to him ever deeper. He'd giggled as a youngster too, Kili usually being the catalyst to his laughter. Thorin often recalled some of Kili's antics but Fili…Fili was more times an eagle-eyed observer in his remembrances. 

He observed a lot, his gaze tracking his brother, always aware of his surroundings more than likely to ensure Kili was safe more so than himself. Thorin also remembered Fili's eyes watching him, never in an uncomfortable way, but truthfully in a manner that had caused curiosity to bubble up in Thorin's mind. Never in his wildest dreams would he have believed Fili was looking at him with anything more than admiration, respect, kinship, maybe even apprehension at times—certainly not with a heart full of romantic love.

It made more and more sense to in his brain—and his heart—every day though, partially helped along by the fact Fili wasn't at all shy with his feelings or the memories he had of loving Thorin at such a young age. And Thorin often indulged himself in listening to just how he'd made Fili's heart race, made his palms sweat, made everything seem brighter whenever he was around—Fili's very words. He confessed to Thorin about first kisses that disappointed, first times spent fumbling and groping with others in the dark, and even the first time he lay with another man. 

In an unexpected turn of events, Thorin had been uncomfortable with some of those particular stories, much preferring the times Fili described himself pining and wishing for things he never thought would be possible. Perhaps that was entirely a twisted sense of ego rushing through him because it was cruel to think of Fili so wrapped up emotions that seemed improbably and impossible to fulfill. But at the same time, it made Thorin feel overwhelmingly proud of his nephew, possibly even made appreciate and respect him more.

Because there had been options for Fili, relationships he could have pursued rather than waiting for something that might never happen, something that hadn't been an easy road for him to travel and withstand. And for some unexplainable reason that fact made Fili's initial words of love seem surer, stronger, more understandable in Thorin's head. It hadn't been a shortsighted whim or a young dwarf's passion turned to lust that brought Fili to him that night. It had been true love given without pretense or expectation.

Thorin could still see him clear as day, hands twisted together in front of him, eyes wide with hope and fear, the sheen of sweat creeping from his hairline to his brow. No, Fili had come to him with his heart raw, wide open and honest. He'd offered everything he had to give, asking for nothing but Thorin's love. Somehow Thorin was sure Fili still didn't realize just how much he had to offer and give.

When Fili finally caught up, Thorin shook his head while a smug smile itched his lips. He was doing a little of his own observing, watching the light bounce and shine in Fili's eyes, enjoying the snap in his step and the flick of his braids. He knew curiosity was killing him, and nothing could have amused Thorin more.

"You'd think I promised you a throne and a crown of gold by the state of your excitement."

"This is far better in my eyes," Fili replied with a cheeky wink. "I might even let you have your wicked way with me later because of it. Though this journey we're on—that never seems to end may I add—might sour your chances a tad."

Thorin chuckled loudly. It felt good, and it didn't happen often, the full-bodied tickle he felt run throughout his body, more so when Fili was around, of course. "I've seen how stalwart your resistance is with my affections, nephew. So you'd be better off trying to fool someone else."

"Now who's cheeky?" Fili said with another giggle. "Truth is I'm quite content to be outside and with you on such a glorious day."

He was a piece of work, Fili was, and Thorin couldn't imagine him any other way. The nephew he'd been so fond of when he was young, the one content to walk in the shadow of his younger brother's feisty spirit, had indeed blossomed into an adult with a determined, intelligent, giving spirit of his own. He was polite and respectful in public, but it the was private Fili that gave Thorin pause more often than not…in a very good way of course.

They walked for another dozen minutes or so, speaking softly about nothing in particular—work, family, friends—or just quietly enjoying the day. Thorin's heart pounded a little harder when he saw the path through the trees that marked the entry to their final destination. It was silly, ridiculous really, to feel anxious about what he'd planned. But he'd worked hard to meet his goal and to keep his beloved in the dark, as well.

"Through the trees and we're there, impatient one."

"Have we been this way before?" Fili asked as he dropped back to allow Thorin the lead on the narrow path. "It looks familiar."

Thorin nodded, speaking louder so Fili could hear him over the steady crunch of leaves. Fili was right. It had turned out to be a glorious day. "When you were young, I brought you and your brother here. Kili liked the cave up ahead and you the winding turn of the river."

Fili let out a loud snort. "Is this the cave Kili got stuck in?"

"Yes, and your mother was most unhappy when she found out."

"Only because Kili blabbed it to her as soon as we got home. He was never very good with secrets."

Thorin smiled to himself. "But he's improved with age in that particular aspect."

"Yes, he has. Thank Aule for that. We never came back after that, did we?"

"No. Kili grew into his archer stage the following year so we went where the birds were more in abundance for him to attempt to shoot…badly if I recall correctly." 

It was true, Kili had been a handful when he was young, still was, but Fili had always just gone with the flow, happy to let Kili and Thorin decide the unimportant things. Thorin supposed he'd been saving up his entire life for the one decision he felt most important…or so he said. 

"You were never the one to decide where our travels would take us when you were young. I hope I haven't led you to believe you still have no choices."

Fili's hesitation made Thorin turn to look at him, but all he found was a sweet grin and the slow shake of messy braids. "Not at all. I'm not the shy maiden you think me to be."

With a snort, Thorin gazed amusedly at Fili. "Have you forgotten you've been in my arms and my bed these past months? You're neither shy nor a maiden in any respect."

"That's good to know," Fili teased. Thorin was tempted to fall back and kiss him then, just breathe him in amongst the beauty of the trees, hold him tight to soothe the thud of his yearning heart. "There's the bend in the river. I remember it well now."

Fili pushed past Thorin, leaving him in his dust as excitement lit up his face, glistening and shining in his eyes as bright as the gold of his hair. Thorin followed behind, in no hurry to invade Fili's moment of awe. It was just as it had been when Fili was young, his adoration for the place Thorin had picked out still making him flush with excitement.

"This is perfect," Fili said when Thorin stepped up beside him, the river sparkling clear and beautiful in Fili's blue eyes. _Mahal alive_ , when had Thorin become such a poetic fool? "We should have brought some provisions, spent the night like we used to. But…work calls in the morning so I'm perfectly willing to start enjoying it now. Care for a swim?"

"No," Thorin replied, forcing a growl to shudder through the word. "There are things to do first."

Fili's face fell into shadow again, and Thorin almost felt bad—almost. "All right, let's do what needs to be done then. We'll still have time for a dip before we have to head back, yeah?"

"Plenty. Come, I want to show you something."

Thorin shifted to face the cave, listening as Fili paused momentarily before following along. He'd definitely have to make it up to him for his faked callus behavior. The mouth of the cave was narrow, only able to fit one of them through as they made their way into the dim coolness of the rocks. Fili whistled when he was finally inside.

"I remember it being so much bigger."

"Or perhaps it was that you were so much smaller?"

Fili laughed and nodded, turning in a circle as he surveyed his surroundings. "It's lovely though. Doesn't look like it's been inhabited since we were last here."

Thorin couldn't contain his excitement any longer. "If you look in the corner, you'll find something of use to us."

"What?" 

Thorin motioned him to the left, crossing his arms over his chest and raising an eyebrow. "See for yourself."

And Fili did, his head lifting up after he'd crouched down beside his find. "Blankets? Mead? Food? What's going on, Thorin? This is your pack from home."

Maintaining a composure he did not feel inside, Thorin huffed out a breath and rolled his eyes. "Of course it is. I left it there myself last night."

Fili looked more upset than excited. "You were here last night? By yourself…in the dark? Are you mad?"

"I have an excellent sense of direction." That earned him a snort from Fili. "All right. I had someone with me as a guide and I am also not the fragile maiden you spoke of before."

"Granted. But why? Why didn't you come get me?"

"You're sounding like your mother again."

"You love my mother."

"True, but not to live with."

"Fair enough. Want to tell me what's going on now?"

"Bring the pack and I'll explain." Fili did as he requested, and Thorin followed along behind him momentarily. "Pick a nice spot by the river. I have to grab one more thing."

Fili hesitated for a moment, the narrowing of his eyes apparent even in the low light of the cave. He carried on but with suspicion heavy in his footsteps as he left Thorin behind. The other items were on the right side of the cave, hidden away behind a slab of rock. Thorin stroked them lovingly between his fingers before gathering up the lot and carrying them out of the cave.

Sunshine beamed off the river, seemingly encasing Fili in a circle of gold as he crouched near the water. "If I ask you to close your eyes, will you think me odd?"

"I've thought worse," Fili quipped. He remained kneeling though, one of his hands digging gently in the pocket of his coat.

"And you must not tell—"

"Must not tell another soul that Thorin Oakenshield is a rather nice dwarf and on occasion not a grouchy ogre, despite all the evidence pointing in the other direction. I know the drill, Thorin, and you know you're torturing me to a new degree at the moment."

Nervous energy sent Thorin closer to Fili's spot on the ground. There were two ways he could go about giving Fili his gift—the unexpected way of looking him in the eyes and letting all his emotions roll from his insides to his out, or to make no fuss about it whatsoever and just show Fili what he'd brought. Old habits got the best of him and he hesitantly chose the latter.

Setting his bundle down behind his nephew, Thorin stepped back. He reveled in the stillness of Fili's position, the only part of him in motion being the hand that twisted in his pocket. Thorin wasn't even sure he was even breathing since nary a sound could be heard and the rise and fall of his ribcage was undetectable. He almost regretted breaking such a perfect moment of concentration and beauty, but he'd been cruel enough in his attempts at being mysterious.

"All right," he said softly, not recognizing the impossibly lower tone of his own voice. He cleared his throat, still relishing in how motionless Fili remained. "We don't need to make a big deal of this. Aule knows I've already accomplished that on my own with my misguided—"

"Thorin," Fili hissed, his body finally wavering a little, his back tensing in frustration. "I swear on my mother's life I'll toss you in the river if you don't hurry up."

"You'll do what?"

"I'm turning around now. Mahal's balls! What are you trying to do to—what are—oh mercy—"

Thorin pursed his lips in a failed attempt at keeping his emotions in check but the feelings leaking from Fili's eyes were far too much to bear. "You've come a long way with your sword skills. I thought you'd like…I thought you deserved something to match the hard work you've been doing."

Fili was silent again while a ball of nerves clogged Thorin's throat. Had he misjudged what he assumed would be the perfect gift for his nephew? "If they're not quite what you wanted—"

"This is what you've been doing every night?" Fili gazed up at Thorin, visibly swallowing as he fought to find his words. "You didn't have to…they're too much, Thorin. I don't know if I can live up to them."

Thorin dropped to his knees or perhaps they just buckled out from under him. He palmed one of the twin swords, caressing the blade with a fingertip before looking into Fili's grateful gaze. "When someone is promised to another, is it not customary to offer a gift that is meaningful?"

The sadness in Fili's eyes nearly gutted Thorin. "But I don't have anything for you."

A low laugh gurgled involuntarily from Thorin's throat and he bent his head to the ground. Several more followed and suddenly it was as if he'd been stricken with too much mead, his wits exploding in a rush of snorts and relieved laughter. Fili didn't join him in his fit but rather stroked a hand down his back, rubbing small circles down his spine the way Thorin always appreciated. He surely thought Thorin was going mad. Once he'd regained his control, he lifted his head again.

"You gave me you, Fili. How is that not a gift from Aule himself?" He didn't let Fili answer, suddenly uncomfortable with the state of his emotions. "I attempted to make them fit in your scabbard but if they don't, we can have a new one made. The swords are of far better quality than what you have now, if I do say so myself."

"I don't know what to say." Fili's eyes were wide, bottomless seas of blue staring back to Thorin, the smallest of smiles curling the corners of his full lips. 

Thorin's heart nearly exploded in a mess of thought and gratitude. If this was to be his fate—this handsome, loving, precious dwarf before him—he was ready to take on anything that dared stand in his way. Damn all the traitorous dwarves and other creatures who attempted to hinder his destiny. Mahal curse anyone who said he'd never be king, and Aule have mercy on any those who had uttered threats with regards to his family. He would never lose that which he held dear again, not as everything had been taken away all those years ago.

Fili was in Thorin's arms in an instant, their mouths crushed tightly, messily together, hands twisting and pulling in hair, the probability of neither of them knowing who had struck first highly possible. The swords lay between them, the metal of one biting painfully into Thorin's knee but he just kept pressing closer to Fili. He kissed him until he couldn't breathe, until he saw spots from lack of oxygen and his body wobbled vicariously against his One's.

When they were forced to loosen their hold, Thorin matched Fili's panting breaths one for one, their mouths still close enough together to suck in the other's air, noses brushing together with every inhale. He leaned his forehead to Fili's, eyes lowering to the blades on the ground. "You deserve so much more, but for now it's what I can offer."

He found himself immediately clutched to Fili's chest, his beloved breathing deep gasps of air against his neck and into his hair. "I love you, Thorin. I've never asked for more than that and I never will."

Thorin nodded, wrapping Fili as close as possible against his chest before sliding a hand to the back of his skull. "We're one. There will never be a ceremony or judgment to say as much, but this is my promise to you. I swear to keep you safe even if it means risking my own life, even if it means giving you up to do as such."

"That's not…I don't want that and I certainly don't want to hear it now." Fili's fingers stabbed into the sore muscles of Thorin's back, his apprehension with Thorin's choice of words clear and obvious.

"It is the truth, and you must listen to me. The only thing that will ever drag me from you is death itself, unless I can save you from the same."

Fili pulled back, cradling Thorin's face in his hands, his brow furrowed, eyes icy blue with determination. "Why is there always a clause in your oaths?"

"I'll never allow you to be in danger if I can prevent it. That isn't a simple clause. That's a promise that my heart has to keep." He paused to press a tender kiss to Fili's lips, lingering for a few extra heartbeats while he chose his words. "When you put your heart in my hands, you gave it to me with no reservations, yes?"

"Of course."

"Then trust me with it. I would never cause it or you any undue pain, or risk your very life for the sake of my own."

"Why does it sound like you're leaving me?"

"Oh, Mahal. I'm not." Thorin swallowed painfully, his heart thudding an exhausting beat through his skull. He turned his head to so he could lean his cheek against Fili's hand, relishing in the warmth and love that every single gesture Fili made contained. "But it's just something I need you to know, to understand before we live our lives together."

"I'd lay down my life for you, Thorin. You must know that."

"I do, and all I ask is for you to know the same."

"All right."

Thorin grinned sadly, gathering Fili back into his arms and squeezing him until they could barely breathe. It was exaltation he felt. It swirled fleetingly inside him, opening up new beginnings, lifting his emotions like dust in a whirlwind. "The swords are crafted with love. With a love I never knew I'd feel and a heart full of happiness."

Fili stuttered a breath into Thorin's neck. "I can't wait to tell everyone the news. Love of a good dwarf and a dowry. What a lucky—"

"Tell everyone—what?" Thorin reared back but too soon to feel the rumble of laughter quivering inside Fili's chest. "You make fun of my gesture? I should throw you in the river myself."

"No, but we could go in together." Fili quirked a brow. He released Thorin as he started working the buttons of his tunic. His coat flew off in a rush, landing somewhere behind Thorin and just barely missing his head.

They kissed in between flustered loosening of clothing, the process taking far too long and requiring them to separate completely. Fili was undressed first, kneeling down without hesitation to help Thorin with his boots. The river was icy heat against sweaty skin, gooseflesh prickling them both from head to toe until they were accustomed to the chill. 

They wrapped around each other like they'd been born from the same mold, everything fitting perfectly into place—chest to chest, thighs to thighs, arousals pressing firm and ready between them. Thorin untangled one hand from Fili's wet hair, sliding it slowly down Fili's body until his fingers circled both their shafts.

Fili moaned into his mouth, spreading his legs wider as Thorin widened his own stance to bring him to a height better suited to Fili. They kissed with abandon, nothing and nobody else existing, no concerns hampering what they were doing, what they had—each other. 

Fili's hands caressed and traveled the length of Thorin's back, sliding down his hips before cupping the mounds of his arse. He pulled Thorin closer, the movement pressing their heated lengths closer, sliding them against their bellies and each other. A shared groan filled their mouths, sneaking between parted lips gasping for breath.

It was a new experience for them both, the first time they'd been intimate anywhere but in their own home—not even a kiss or loving gesture. Thorin hoped the day would come when they could share their mutual feelings with others, when he didn't have to brush queries of future wives and heirs away on such a frequent basis. But it was of no consequence now as he felt Fili tense against him, his fingers digging welts in Thorin's arse. His muscles constricted and relaxed in time with the pulsing need of his cock—hard and slippery between Thorin's fingers. 

He came with Thorin's name a growly groan on his lips, head tilted back, face turned to the sky. He was glorious and beautiful in his freedom, and the rapture illuminating his face sent Thorin sprawling over the edge of his own climax. 

He shifted his weight, leaning in until Fili was almost bent backwards, growling his release against the wet heat of bared throat, scraping his teeth and licking over the taste of familiar skin. Fili's hand covered his, squeezing and stroking them both to completion while he shuddered through his own after effects. 

They clung together afterwards—breathless, boneless, the tremors in their bodies fading to a gentle hum. A single chaste kiss followed their lovemaking, hands stilling over exhausted flesh as they let the river wash over them. Thorin closed his eyes, burying his nose in Fili's damp hair, their hearts thumping contentedly as one. 

He stood there counting his blessing—king under the mountain and heir to the throne of Erebor being the furthest things from his mind. His knees wobbled, threatening to send him sprawling into the water. But Fili held strong as Thorin's heart ached, and his last thread of uncertainty frayed and snapped in the sweetest way possible.

~*~*~

Thorin woke to the floor opening up and swallowing him down. Fili's name was on his lips but he didn't even have time to scream. 


	14. Realizations - good and bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you for continuing to read Fili and Thorin's emotional journey.   
> Happy holidays to you all. :)  
> 

They were halfway down the mountain before Thorin allowed himself to turn and peer at the steady pounding of footsteps behind him. He assumed his company was all intact since he'd tried to keep track of them as they fought and fled from the goblins…at least as best he could while keeping his own wits about him. His gaze roamed anxiously around when they'd finally stopped, gasping deep bursts of air as he counted their numbers in his head. 

He tried not to let his eyes linger on Fili but it was a lost cause considering the dream—the reality—he'd relived in his sleep only hours before. That and their last conversation in the cave added up to a massive hole in the security of Thorin's decision. He needed to reassess the situation he'd put himself and his beloved in. 

_His beloved. His One._

He'd stuffed those endearments away inside a locked box in his heart for long enough, struggling with every scrap of fortitude he could muster to make his emotions null and void. It was exhausting to hide so much away, to keep the one you held most dear at bay then carry on with life, and most especially to witness how much you hurt he who had ownership of your heart.

Thorin had suffered with his decision, but he suspected the only thing Fili saw was the stubbornness of dwarves and stony rejection by the one he'd offered his body, heart and soul to. And, unfortunately, Thorin was a master at stuffing his feelings, at using his stern, grouchy demeanor and strict leadership role as a disguise for his discomfort and personal needs. But despite the need burning inside him, he hadn’t completely succumbed to Fili's relaxed way of thinking, couldn't simply fall at his feet and beg for forgiveness or even slip easily back into the role of lover after so much upheaval. But by Aule, he missed the way things had been—he missed Fili.

With those thoughts—those relentless and finally-accepted emotions—firmly encased in his brain, he swore to himself that the next time he and Fili were able to speak in private, he would let his guard down, let his heart finally break through the shattered threads of his remorse and shame. Thorin wasn't delusional though. He knew that even if things improved between them, even if he let Fili back into his soul, it didn't mean he was any more convinced it was in Fili's best interest, physically, emotionally or spiritually.

But Thorin Oakenshield had a plan, and as soon as possible that plan would be put into effect—Durin willing that Fili wished to speak to him about it. The blood in his veins boiled, and a stony ache settled in his gut when he considered how uncaring and selfish he'd been acting since the quest began. But now he knew the true answer. The only way things could be made right again was in the conversation his heart needed to have with Fili's. 

Carefully laying his intentions to the side, he let his gaze wander to Fili and Kili again. They seemed to be in good enough shape despite their obvious confusion at the disappearance of the burglar. Thorin had had it up to here with keeping watch over Bilbo and he'd be damned to the elves' dungeons if he continued to do so. It was time to call a spade a spade, time to object to Gandalf's absurd answer to all their problems.

"I'll tell you what happened." Thorin paused dramatically as all eyes focused on him. He effortlessly stepped back into his grumpy exterior despite the way his heart pounded mercilessly in his ears. "Master Baggins saw his chance and he took it. He's thought of nothing but his soft bed and his warm hearth since first he stepped out his door. We will not be seeing our hobbit again." 

He paused again, and his wrathful gaze settled on Fili and Kili whose identical looks of building ire glared back at him. He wasn't certain their thoughts were actually directed at him or the burglar. Perhaps, they'd taken to the hobbit more than Thorin suspected because they genuinely looked hurt by his words. Knowing Fili's history with Master Baggins made that seem unreasonable and highly unexplainable though.

Thorin widened his stance, settling his feet more firmly against the dry earth as he made his final declaration. "He is long gone."

His eyes strayed to Fili again, who had turned to ask some unspoken question of his brother. It was of no consequence now. It had been Gandalf who'd insisted on the halfling's presence in the first place. Thorin was glad to have his cowardice blood washed from his hands. Good day to bad rubbish.

"No. No, he isn't."

Thorin couldn't have been more surprised if the burglar had reappeared from thin air and kissed him. But that's exactly what happened—minus the kiss, of course. First Bilbo wasn't there and then…he was. And the grateful faces around made it appear Throin's company would fall on their knees to welcome him back—and just how preposterous was that? His feelings on the matter hadn't changed with the sudden reunion, and the hobbit's lack of explanation only engrained Thorin's distaste even further.

Of course there wasn't much time for reflection or interrogation since the lot of them were immediately thrown back into the hunt. All sense of time, direction and even thought were cast aside as they ran for their lives with Gandalf again leading the way. Being cornered was the worst possible scenario, and being cornered on top of a cliff was far worse yet.

As they all scrambled up the trees, Thorin sought Dwalin's gaze, sending a relentless but silent question with his eyes. Dwalin was the warrior of the company and one of Thorin's most trusted companions. If there was anyone who could think quickly on their feet, it was him. But in the end there was no time for an answer as Thorin was swept away in memories that completely contradicted the happy ones from the previous night.

 _Azog_.

~*~*~

Fili's heart raced at three times its normal speed. His gaze slipped to Thorin, ever watchful and aware of just where he was and if he was safe. Kili clung to the branch beneath him, so for the moment his safety was secured. Bilbo huddled beside Fili, his eyes wide and frightened in a way Fili hadn't seen before, not even in the presence of bigger-than-life trolls.

"I must make a confession." The words were faint, almost lost in the pounding of Fili's heart in his own ears. "I'm not one to lie but I did…and…and if this is the end…well, I must go clean and in good conscience."

Fili glanced at Bilbo with what he hoped was a look of mass confusion and more than a little disbelief. Above him he heard the distinct crackling of fire, and a burning scent filled his nostrils before he uttered what he hoped wasn't his last word. "Now?"

More rustling above, and suddenly a flaming pinecone exploded in a flash of fire in front of the snarling wargs. That didn't hinder Bilbo's continuation though.

"I lied when I claimed to not be interested…to not have feelings for Thorin."

With his jaw gaping open, Fili stared unbelievingly at the hobbit. His thoughts scurried like rats through his brain. Part of him was still aware of the danger around him but the softer part, the part that held Thorin close, ached and flipped inside him. "You what?"

"Fili!"

He caught the ignited pinecone, reaching over to light the one Bilbo had clutched to his chest. It was neither the time nor the place for him to speak his mind, but by Durin's Day it would come. All ideas of vengeance and need for further contemplation were lost when Thorin dashed from the tree, a gut-wrenching scream pouring from his open mouth. 

Fili knew nothing would ever be the same after that and he was right.

The tree suddenly shifted again as the cliff started to give way, the wargs jumping and snarling beneath them. Fili snatched at Kili, pulling him to safety as the strangest image played in the corner of his vision. 

Bilbo. 

Bilbo hurrying from the tree and straight toward Thorin and the orcs. 

Everything exploded in a mayhem of screams and growls, the pale orc barking out orders that sent the rest of the pack into a chaos of their own. Before Fili knew what was happening, Thorin was between the jaws of one of the beasts and Fili's heart shattered into a million pieces.

When the eagles finally arrived to save the day, Thorin was lifeless, motionless on the ground, where Bilbo continued to stand guard. Fili screamed when the talons wrapped around his One, wanting nothing more than to be able to fly Thorin to safety himself. He cried out again amidst the silence of the clouds, Kili securely riding behind him, one hand fisted in the back of Fili's coat as they both watched their uncle's limp body float through the air.

He wanted to scream more, to jump from the back of his own eagle to Thorin's, to shake his Thorin awake or at least shelter him in his arms so we could suffer no more harm. He shook with fear, every muscle and nerve on high alert, his blood burning a hasty river through the streams in his body.

But all he could do was wait, his heart pounding so hard against his ribcage he thought his own body would break. And he was perfectly willing to let that happen if it meant Thorin would be spared. 

But it didn't, and still he waited.

~*~*~

"The halfling?"

"It's all right. Bilbo is here. He's quite safe."

Thorin was disoriented and more than a little nauseous as he tried to blink away the bright light and the image of Gandalf hovering over him. He was also aware of the many eyes trained in his direction. He lay on the ground, his body aching like it had been tossed off a bakers' dozen of cliffs, then picked up just to be dusted off and dropped a dozen more.

The last thing he recollected was Bilbo stepping between him and the pale orc while the world around him raged with the heat and crackling of fire. Now, he attempted to haul himself up from the earth when a large hand grabbed him about the shoulder—Dwalin undoubtedly—and a slighter one wrapped around his bicep. Turning his head to the left, he found the owner of said hand, Kili. But where was Fili? Why was he not alongside his brother as was always the case?

His mind spun dizzily when he twisted his head to look behind Kili. Fili was there, a worried frown on his usually calm face. His eyes appeared moist but Thorin admonished himself that it was only due to the smoke and harrowing experience they'd been through. His gaze caught Fili's for just a heartbeat of utter sadness before he lifted himself to his full height, squaring his shoulders and straightening his back as best he could with the roaring pain wreaking havoc on the left side of his rib cage.

He felt the same cluster of eyes boring into him as he approached the hobbit and let his emotions have their say.

"You! What were you doing? You nearly got yourself killed." Master Baggins looked more than a little frightened, and Thorin was fully aware of the shuffling of feet behind him. Did his company intend on defending the burglar from that which they believed was Thorin's wrath? "Did I not say that you would be a burden…that you would not survive in the wild…that you had no place amongst us?"

Thorin's mind reeled with overwhelming gratefulness and emotion. His thoughts rambled painfully, every inch of his body screaming in agony…but it mattered not. "I have never been so wrong in all my life."

The hug was unusual for Throin, unusual but completely warranted, and in some strange way also soothing. Bilbo stiffened in his arms, no doubt worried that Thorin would rather throw him off the cliff than show him a positive attention. But when he relaxed, something in Thorin followed suit and he found himself gripping Bilbo tighter, squeezing the life out of him in reparation for his previous behavior…and not just in the case of the hobbit.

He'd been a fool, a fool who'd nearly lost himself in the realm of _what bad things could happen_ rather than living in the bright moments that were all around him. There was no end to his gratitude in that instance, no way to describe how new-found life and freedom circled his heart. Time alone with Fili couldn't come quickly enough.

Once apologies had been given and accepted, all eyes turned to gaze upon the beauty that was the Lonely Mountain—Thorin's home—the home he could make with Fili if he let his heart slip through the enlarged cracks in his fear-induced brain. It was the place of his dreams, the place in his dreams, the place he most belonged with Fili in his arms. Looking upon it was like inhaling a clean breath of air after working around the clock in the forge.

He'd forgotten Bilbo stood at his side until a small, very pointy elbow connected with the source of his painful ribs. He winced but covered up his discomfort with a slight cough before turning to look at the wonder in the hobbit's eyes. He expected it matched his own perfectly, even the flash of love that crossed Bilbo's face, though Thorin wasn't positive he understood that particular emotion glowing in the hobbit's eyes.

"You must feel redemption as close as a breath away," Bilbo said. "It's truly a lovely mountain, Thorin." 

"I feel the mountain's heartbeat within my own chest. I feel the ghosts of my father and grandfather calling me into her depths. But would you like to know what I feel most, little burglar?"

"Yes, yes of course."

"For now, what I feel most is weariness." Thorin dared to chuckle under his breath, the first hint of merriment he'd felt in months—since his heart had been ripped from Fili's grasp. "It's been an arduous day," he announced, sliding a hand over Bilbo's shoulder. "I believe we could all use a rest before we complete our journey."

Thorin's thoughts automatically slipped to Fili, the need be alone with him insistent and growing with great haste inside him. He turned back to his men. They looked a little worse for wear but the smiles on their faces were joyous, warm messages straight to Thorin's heart. 

It was astonishing for him to believe Fili's love had remained like a bright beacon in Thorin's future, especially after the journey had taken such a toll on their relationship. Or, to be more precise, after Thorin had taken it and smashed it to the ground along with both of their hearts. Yet, he was still there and he was Thorin's.

After a few words of assurance that he was perfectly fine. It was decision time. The Lonely Mountain lay in their sights but they were by no means finished with their journey, nor were they safe in their present location. At least he didn't think they were. Thorin, of course, had no idea how they had even come to be on top of a cliff facing their journey's final destination, but he was sure one of the dwarves—probably more than one—would be happy to regale him with the details.

His leadership role snapped back into place like a well-worn pair of boots—familiar, soothing, necessary. He could tell by the angle of the sun that most of the day had been put to rest, so logically it would be best for them to make camp while they still had daylight and energy on their side. The dwarves looked miraculously fresh as they peered out at the mountain, but there was a definite weariness to their stances and their lack of spirited conversation. It was time to refuel their bodies and their minds.

Thorin dipped his head with the pretense of adjusting his coat, covering up his true intention to swipe his hand over his ribs in search of the stabbing pain that assaulted his left side. His hand came away unstained, a very good sign. With the aches he was already feeling he suspected he'd be finding new bruises and abrasions for days to come, but for now his company needed their leader back in full force.

"Fili, Kili, travel the path farthest from the cliff's edge to the west. Dwalin, Gloin, go east. We're in search of a place to rest for the night. Don't wander off too far. I expect we can find a cave or sheltered ledge in the rock not too far away and we should take advantage of what's left of the light to get things set up."

He looked up to find Kili, Dwalin and Gloin all nodding in his direction. Fili was not among the nodders, but seeing as how Thorin had set eyes on him earlier, he assumed his nephew had already gotten a head start on his assignment. He'd been nothing if not over-responsible since their quest had begun. It was odd that he had left Kili behind, but since there didn't appear to be distress or reaction of any sort on his youngest nephew's face, Thorin believed there was no cause for concern.

It wasn't long before Dwalin was back, reporting the discovery of a cave with no back way in, not far down the trail. Thorin slapped his hands together, summoning his company's attention as Kili came back into view. He tipped his head in Balin's direction and the dwarves were given the good news of their reprieve for the night.

Thorin walked at the front of the group, shoulder-to-arm with his oldest friend, not surprised to find Balin peering at him with suspicion in his twinkly eyes.

"How bad is it?" Balin wiggled his finger in the direction of Thorin's midsection.

"I have no idea of which you speak." Thorin remained upright, gaze straight ahead, until Balin gave him the second elbow of the day to his side. "Oof," he panted, shooting a look of pure disdain in Balin's direction.

"You can't fool an old fool, laddie."

"No blood. I'm sure it's just a bruise." He shrugged in his own majestic way, waving a hand to clear the subject from the air, before lowering his voice. "Now back to the present. We have no supplies, weapons or food. Any thoughts on how to resolve this issue?"

"I believe you'll find all your belongings waiting for you in the cave Balin has chosen." Gandalf came out of nowhere, his long grey body nearly folded in half as he slipped between Balin and Thorin, bending low to whisper his words.

Thorin cocked an eyebrow in his general upward direction. "And if you have such abilities, why do we not just use them to get us where we wish to be?"

"Ah, Thorin. There are some things for which I can remedy and others for which I cannot." Gandalf left them with a tiny bow, strutting ahead, his long coat flowing behind him in his haste. Thorin made no more effort to question him. He'd learned that the wizard had more than just skinny arms up his sleeves. Instead he asked the other question that had been niggling repeatedly at his brain. "And how exactly did we come to be…well, where we are?"

Bofur was next to shove between them. Thank Aule for the wideness of the path. "Oh, lad," Bofur began. "Have we got a tale to tell you."

~*~*~

The dwarfs chatted noisily, their laughter and general teasing banter drawing a relieved breath from Thorin. He knew how close he'd come to losing his quest—his very life—entirely, and had no qualms it had been his own stubborn pride that had put them all at risk. The orc who had taken his grandfather's life had been allowed to fester for far too long inside him, and to see the vermin alive and threatening his entire company had moved Thorin to be act, without regard for anything else. He'd only felt the swell hatred twisting him into knots.

"Dwalin! Gloin! I don't wish for any more surprises on this day. Check the path farther down for anything suspicious. Bofur! Bombur! You're in charge of feeding this lot. Fili! Kili! See to the some firewood."

"I can handle the duty just fine on my own, but if you're wishing for two of us to see to it, you'll have to assign someone with me... _my king_." 

Thorin turned to find Kili standing before him, eyes black as night and trained entirely on Thorin's face. His stance was intense, his jaw set hard while he clutched his bow close to his body. "I asked for you and your brother. What is this tone, Kili? And why the formality of my reference?"

Kili stepped forward, his expression stone cold while his gaze never left Thorin's. He held out one fisted hand, shaking it several times when Thorin didn't move to accept whatever he was holding. "Open your hand, Uncle. I'll not hold these all day. I have firewood to see to, don't you know?"

Thorin hesitantly stretched out his right arm, offering his palm as he struggled to maintain a stoic expression. Kili dropped two tiny objects into his hand before turning quickly on his heel and stomping away. He'd witnessed his youngest nephew's temper far too many times so that even though the heels of his boots made no noise in the soft earth, he still nonetheless knew his boots were pounding the ground.

He watched bewildered as Kili grabbed Ori by the collar and dragged him in the direction of the trees. Ori appeared to let himself be taken and the pair disappeared into the wood just off the opposite path. Thorin looked down at his clenched fist, unaware he'd closed it over the two items burning the skin of his palm. One look and he knew immediately what he was holding; two silver beads, but not just any beads…

"Kili!" he called out, shoving past the other dwarfs in the direction Kili had gone. They all cleared a path, though the whisperings of confusion unavoidably seared Thorin's ears. "Kili! Ori!"

After dodging a very large tree, he barely escaped trampling Ori in his haste. Kili loomed in the distance, a large ax gripped in his hand as he beat a dead tree into noisy submission.

"Apologies, Thorin," Ori's mouse-like voice addressed him. "I've no idea what's gotten into him but I've chosen to stay back for my own safety."

Thorin ignored any niceties, something he was positive his company was accustomed to by then. "Where is Fili? Why is he not strapped to Kili's side, as is his usual custom?"

Ori shrugged, holding out his hands to further emphasize the gesture. "I've not seen him since the eagles placed us down. I tried to query Kili but when he began swinging his ax…and calling you…"

"Go on, Ori. Now's not the time to be timid."

"I'll not use the language Kili uttered. Don't believe I ever have and it certainly wouldn't be proprietary in front of my k—"

"Ori!" Ori startled, the small bundle of sticks he'd been holding against his chest rattling to the ground. "My apologies, Ori. Perhaps I should speak to Kili myself?"

"I think it's best," Ori said as he knelt down to retrieve the wood.

"You hurry back to the others, lad. I'll help Kili with his task."

As Ori hustled away, Thorin turned his full attention to the loud choppings of his youngest heir. He approached with caution, knowing full well that despite Kili's normally easy demeanor there was something eating away at him, something settling darkness around his head. "Kili. Where is your brother?"

"Can you not even address him by his name in his absence?" Kili didn't turn to face Thorin. His hair swirled wildly around his head as he punctuated each of his words with a strong whack of the ax. "Have you not done enough damage without adding to his humiliation?"

"Please face me, Kili."

"Leave me to my task, Uncle. I do not wish to steal all your attention from the others." Kili swung, sending a large chip of wood sailing past Thorin's head.

"I said stop!" Thorin yelled. 

Kili leaned over the tree momentarily before tossing the ax to the ground and spinning to face Thorin. "Is that an order from my uncle or my king?"

Struggling to maintain his own composure in the face of such insolence, Thorin breathed harshly through his nose. "I believe I am one and the same. Now where is your—"

"Because I will take your abuse as my majesty but not my kin, and only then because I promised Fili I would do so."

Thorin tamped down his own temper, the matter at hand more important than reprimanding the disrespectful attitude of his nephew. Was there never to be any peace amongst his company, and especially between he and his kin? He huffed out a sigh, struggling to even out his tone and the briskness of his words. 

"Why do I hold your father's beads in my hand, and why are they not where they usually rest in your brother's mustache?"

Thorin would have recognized the mithril adornments anywhere. His sister's husband had bequethed the beads to their sons upon his death, and as soon as Fili was able, he'd never been remiss in wearing them. Kili and Fili each had a matching set but Kili's rarely saw the light of day while Fili's had become victims of the elements, hence their shine had faded and tarnished from the brightness Thorin suspected Kili's still held.

"He asked me to keep them safe for him and to give them to you should the need arise."

"He never removes them except to bathe, Kili. Did you not realize I would be privy to that fact? Now tell me where he is so we can put an end to this wasteful nonsense. And what exactly does _the need_ mean?"

Kili exploded at Thorin. He moved quickly, his chest thrust against Thorin's as he spat out his reply. "He's gone to make you proud. At least that's what he said." He feigned a laugh as he grabbed the lapels of Thorin's coat and refused to let him move. "I told him he need not bother. The esteemed King of Erebor cares for nothing but the reclaiming of his birthright and all the gold she holds. Isn't that right? Is that not what you stomped into our heads throughout the entirety of our youth?"

Thorin growled, his jaw clenching, teeth grinding together. "You're out of line, nephew. Stand down."

"I won't." Kili's eyes blazed black, his bottom lip quivering and his fist trembling with the effort of holding Thorin in place. "By Durin, you can beat me senseless if you wish but it won't be before I finally have my say."

With words failing him and all his resources engaged in holding himself together, Thorin said all he could manage. In hindsight, it was possibly the worst thing to say. "Why did you not try to stop him?"

Fire burned bright in Kili's eyes and he suddenly shoved him away. Thorin stumbled backwards, but quickly regained his foot. He'd had enough of Kili for one day and this nonsense was going to end—

"Do you actually believe I did not? Do you know nothing of your sister-sons, Thorin, or has this journey and your gold lust already shaded your eyes to the truth? I tried to stop him. I teased, then demanded, even begged. I pleaded for him to allow me to go with him, but do you know what he said?"

Thorin bowed his head, clutching the beads in his hand until his fingers ached. "Kili—"

"He said my duty was to my king and my mother who would tan me bloody if she ever discovered I'd disobeyed her kin, even despite her fears regarding this journey." Kili's arms flailed above his head like he didn't know what to do with them. He kicked at the overgrown brush beneath his feet. "Do you know how painful it was to see him turn his back and walk away, his shoulders hunched with defeat and remorse?"

"What did he say, Kili?" Thorin felt a crowd growing behind him just before a familiar hand gripped his shoulder. 

Balin stepped up beside him. "We were concerned when we heard the shouting. I'll take the others back to the cave. Keep them busy while you sort this out, yes?"

Thorin nodded his thanks before lifting his head to his nephew again. "What did he say? Where has he gone, Kili?"

"I don't know that you have the right to even ask be it as king or kin."

"I have the only right!" Thorin lunged forward, catching Kili's arm between his fingers. He squeezed, eyes glaring into Kili's just as hard as the brown ones staring back. Kili didn't flinch, his lips set in a stubborn snarl.

"Thorin…" Balin was beside him again, not touching him this time but brushing against his side. "Release the lad. The others are clearing out. Do you wish for me to stay?"

Kili didn't wait for Thorin to answer, just ripped his arm away and stepped back a few paces. "He wishes to prove himself worthy of your… _love_." Kili spat out the word like it was poison. "He wants you to see him again, or perhaps for the first time when he's not stuffed secretly away."

"I don't…I've always—I have never stopped seeing him."

"How can you say that? He sees the moon and the stars when he looks at you, but you—you treat him like he's too young to be sensible, too weak to be responsible, too insignificant to meet your approval."

"That's not true. You're highly mistaken and if you'd spoken with your brother since last night, you'd know I'm struggling to—"

"Explain it to me, Thorin. Explain it like I'm a full-grown dwarf, as your kin, not someone to merely be directed and ordered." 

Kili sucked on his bottom lip as he paused, looking away for mere heartbeats before chasing Thorin's gaze again. He noticeably squared his shoulders, the darkness of his eyes replaced by liquid emotion. 

"You desired him once. You loved him once. But since we began this quest, you've treated him with ill respect and no love whatsoever. You've shown me more attention than you have the one you shared a bed with and intended on sharing the throne of Erebor with. Or was that the misguided remembrances of a silly nephew too lost in love to see his way clear?"

"No! You know I love him, Kili. How can you possibly think otherwise?"

Kili didn't appear to be listening. "Fili…Fili passes through life without need or desire of anyone's attention. Aule knows I've always taken more for myself than I've allowed him to have. Has he not always been content to observe and contribute when asked, but yet not tried to force his judgments or thoughts on anyone else? He's always been toughest on me, yet I've never suffered any true wrath or disappointment. Could you not ignore your pride and personal ambition to throw him a single gesture to assure him he mattered?"

"He certainly knows that he matters." Thorin shifted his feet, his free hand clutching at the edge of his coat. "Where has he gone, Kili?"

"Do you know why he's here?" 

Thorin's frustration grew like a pack of galloping wargs running downhill, but he merely allowed himself the simple shake of his head. 

"He didn't begin this journey looking for adventure or wealth or recognition as an heir. He came because I insisted, and because you requested it of us both…because _you_ , as his One, needed him to accompany you, and now…now, he believes himself lost to your affections, replaced by a burglar of all things."

"What?" Thorin stepped forward again but Balin linked their arms together, fingers wrapping around Thorin's forearm and squeezing. "Replaced…that's preposterous."

"Replaced because he wasn't first to offer his protection. He wasn't first to step into the way of danger, to risk his life for you, something we both know he would do over and over again if the need arose. He believes, despite the steely wishes of his heart, that he's disappointed you in the only way that matters—in your respect of him."

"Kili, enough!" Balin's voice rose in a way Thorin rarely heard, his tone sharp, eyes full of fire. "Tell us where the lad's gone or we can't help get him back."

"I hate to interrupt." Gandalf moved stealthily between them. "But there is a group of very passionate dwarves arguing inside the cave. The theory appears to be that Fili has run off…has disappeared. Is that correct, Thorin?"

"Not disappeared," Thorin insisted. "Kili was just about to tell us why he's gone off on his own."

"He's gone to secure Erebor for you, of course. Where else would you expect him to have gone, _Uncle_? It's the only thing you want and he's set on proving himself a worthy heir and more than likely, a worthy One to you."

Gandalf leaned-in until he was eye-to-eye with Kili. "What do you mean secure Erebor? Surely he's not left the safety of the group. Kili—I insist you tell us what you know. It's very important you tell me everything."

"I don't know any more. I watched him rush away in the direction of the Lonely Mountain, then he was gone."

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. We must find him straightaway." Gandalf lifted to his full height, and Thorin detected more than a hint of panic in the wringing of his large hands across his stomach. "Balin, get the others. We must formulate our next move."

"Gandalf," Thorin called out as the wizard started retreating. "Gandalf! What aren't you telling us?"

"Fili could be in grave danger. That's all I can say."

"No! It's not." Thorin strode forward, stopping directly in front of Gandalf, squaring his shoulders and lifting himself to his full height in front of the tall wizard. "I insist you tell us why you've gone whiter than the snow. If it concerns Fili, it is my business to know."

Gandalf seemed to weigh his options before rubbing over the bridge of his nose. "You spoke of Dain and the unrest of some of his dwarves?"

"Yes. What does that—"

"And I told you of the price on your head?"

"Of course. You're talking in riddles again."

"The price on Fili's head is far greater than the one on yours, Thorin. Does that make it clearer?"

"What are you talking about?" Dwalin joined the little group, shoving his way past Gandalf, to stand in front of Thorin. "What is it you've not been telling us? And where is the lad?"

"They don't want Fili, they want me, Gandalf." Thorin shook his head in disbelief or perhaps in an effort to make it not so. "This is absurd. I'm sure he's just waiting down the hill, already disappointed in himself for his haste. And what of these dwarves you speak of? Dwarves know the king is the only heir that can bring a price."

"But it is not dwarves who consider Fili the prime target. It is men, unsavory characters not the least bit concerned with Erebor, but only seek the reward for Thorin Oakenshield's head and that of his heir apparent. Do you not live in a city composed mainly of men? They are far more intelligent than any of us give them credit for…at times. They know the relationship you share with Fili. They know his importance to you emotionally, mentally and physically. He's the perfect means to your end."

Kili tugged on Gandalf's sleeve. "Is that why he was stabbed at the forge? Did you know about that as well, Gandalf?"

Thorin's heart skipped, his hand automatically flattening over his chest. "He was stabbed. What…how…by Durin, what is going on here and why do I know nothing of it?"

"Perhaps, you've been too stubborn to listen?" Balin offered unhelpfully. 

Kili threw up his hands. "I've had enough of this. You can continue bantering and thinking, but I'm going after him." He turned toward the pathway, slipping past Thorin before he could be grabbed. 

He wasn't so lucky with Dwalin though. The warrior's big hand wrapped around the back of his neck. "Settle down, laddie. Having another of us go off half-cocked won't do a bit of good."

"He didn't go off half-anything!" Kili squawked. "He knew what he was doing and _who_ he was doing it for."

Thorin moved to stand beside his squirming, distraught nephew, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. "We'll find him, Kili. And by Durin himself, I'll make things right. I promise you."

Kili pushed him away. "Your promises don't hold a grain of salt. I know of your vow to Fili and look where it's gotten him."

Thorin hung his head as the others joined the group and Gandalf motioned them in close. He needed to stay strong, to settle the rolling emotions inside him, and if that meant standing aside until his mind refocused, so be it. They'd find Fili, and Thorin swore never to let him out of his sight…or his heart…again.


	15. Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for my tardiness in updating before every single chapter, and I 'm doing it yet again. That'll teach me for posting a WIP when RL is buzzing far too quickly. I hope I still have some readers and I humbly appreciate anyone who is still following this story.
> 
> This chapter is unbetaed and far harsher than the others. As such, I've added a tag of violence.I hope it doesn't disappoint. Thanks for reading.

Fili didn't stop moving until the sun had dipped beneath the horizon. Besides wanting to get as far away as possible before he was missed, he'd realized only twenty minutes in how ridiculous and impulsive he'd been. He'd let his emotions tie him up in knots because of what everyone else had simply perceived as an innocent hug. 

If only it had seemed that way in his eyes at that moment, but all he'd heard was Bilbo's voice ringing in his ears and all he saw was Thorin's chin snuggled into the nape of Bilbo's neck like it once had been in his own. After Bilbo's hurried confession, Fili had been shaken, and Thorin's impetuous charge into danger had managed to make his heart beat even faster, his pulse race, his whole body vibrate with anxiety and fear for Thorin. The poignant embrace had merely added extra fuel to an already emotionally-charged, fiery situation.

He felt bad leaving Kili behind and especially leaving him with such a big secret to keep, but having them both disappear wouldn't have been the proper way to handle things. So Fili had invoked his big brother status, as well as making Kili swear he'd look out for Thorin when he was absent. He'd had to bite his tongue to keep from telling Kili to keep their _friend_ , Mr. Baggins, as far from their uncle as possible, but that truly seemed the wrong way to go about things.

Thorin needed to love Fili for who he was. He needed to be proud and he needed to trust that Fili was all that he claimed to be—respectful, responsible, honest, and caring. None of those things could be achieved with tricks or underhanded methods of keeping Bilbo from Thorin. It was Fili's duty to prove his worth, his character, and his undying love. The entirety of the circumstances brought about a melancholy that traveled Fili's entire body, and he didn't like the feeling at all.

It wasn't until he'd stopped to rest and refresh himself that he let his mind wander back to his company of dwarves. He hoped he hadn't been missed immediately, and since everyone had been so focused on Thorin's well-being and his emotional outburst, he was positive he'd gotten a head start. Kili's face flashed inside Fili's head in all its pouting, confused disappointment. He'd worried his brother would follow him despite his use of the big brother card, but trusting him with their father's beads had been almost a guarantee Kili would stay behind to accomplish his task. 

As he slid his fingers over the ends of his braids where the adornments had held a special place for so many years, Fili found his thoughts drifting to the father he'd barely known and the mother he'd left behind. He missed them both terribly and a small part of his heart ached to know if they'd feel pride with what he was trying to do. 

Would they admonish him for his out of character haste, or perhaps, be ashamed of his heart's attachment to Thorin? He liked to think the latter would be something they both understood, having found each other to call their own—their _One_. Fili's uncle and mother had always been very close and he knew it had pained Thorin to keep something of such great importance from her. But Fili believed one day the secret would be no more. He hoped and believed he could take his rightful place beside Thorin in both his kinship and his heart.

But first he had to assist Thorin in achieving his ultimate dream—Erebor.

~*~*~

Thorin paced the length of the cave, hands fisted at his sides, his ire growing with every single calculation and assessment his so-called company of excellence brought forth. There were ponderances on the distance Fili could have traveled in the amount of time that had passed, remarks about what strength of madness had taken over Fili's mind to make him do such a foolish thing, and worst of all, assumptions about who exactly might be closing in on them—and more importantly, Fili—to claim the reward for their royal heads. Some of them questioned his reasons for not telling them the complete truth, but in that, Gandalf also had a role.

The old wizard was silent as the dwarves bantered back and forth, their willful spirits showing beneath their calm exteriors as the spoke louder and louder to be heard over each other. It was nothing more than a full-out display of confusion and overwhelming anxiety that had the entire company in an uproar, and there stood Gandalf, calmly sucking on his pipe.

"Enough!" Thorin had had exactly that—enough. They could speculate and reiterate and even regurgitate for all he cared, but he needed action, not talk. "All who are with me, come, and those of you who aren't, we can agree to meet at a point closer to Dale if you wish it."

"But Thorin," Bofur began. "You still haven't explained why the lad went off on his own. Surely there must be some cause for a level-headed dwarf such as Fili, to leave without a word. It's just not right."

Thorin stomped his boot against the hard ground, one hand reaching out, stopping just short of wrapping around Bofur's throat. "Who are you to question what is right or what is wrong? Fili is my kin. He is heir apparent to Erebor and owes no explanation—"

"He left word with me," Kili interrupted Thorin, stepping between him and Bofur as he slapped Thorin's hand away. "He felt useless in his current position, and having the Durin stubbornness running through his veins, he did the only thing he believed to be _right_. He choose to make his family proud, and the only way he saw fit was to prove his rightful place with our uncle—"

"Kili," Thorin growled.

"Laddie, perhaps we should let sleeping dogs lie."

"But the dogs are wide awake, Balin, and they appear to be looking for blood—my brother's blood." Kili turned to smirk without the hint of actual amusement at Thorin, his head cocked in a way Thorin knew was clearly one of indignation. 

Thorin snuck a look at Gandalf who remained stoic. He encouraged him to speak with the widening of his eyes and jutting of his chin until the wizard lowered his pipe from his mouth.

"I have nothing to add for the moment, " was all he said before Kili continued.

"Fili's only desire is to rule alongside you in his true place. But in order to do that, he needed to prove his _worthiness_ as heir. Had it been me, I wouldn't have given a donkey's arse to prove anything, but Fili's not like me, and he's not like any of you, either—least of all our esteemed leader. I'll be choosing to come with you, Thorin, but in my eyes, the only one with something to prove is you."

Kili turned on his heel without another word, hoisting his pack over his shoulder and grabbing up his makeshift bow and quiver. Thorin was left speechless with a great number of eyes staring at him for guidance. He followed Kili's example, striding out of the cave as the hurried pounding of footsteps rushed along behind him.

~*~*~

By nightfall, Fili was exhausted—physically, mentally, emotionally. He rested against a felled tree, his whole body aching with the exertion of the day. He felt over a hundred and fifty years old rather than the eighty-two actually under his belt, and he suddenly had a new respect for Balin in his quest to keep up with the rest.

He'd managed to keep the Lonely Mountain in his sights right up until the first cresting of the moon when the path took a turn to the left. There had been two choices then—trudge his way through the forest where he really had no direction at all, let alone the perils that might await him under cover of trees, or let the view of his journey's end stray from his gaze while remaining focused and aware of his proximity to it. 

He figured it had been more the choice of his weary body than the reasoning of his mind that had made the decision, and when he found himself in total darkness with nary a glimpse of the mountain, he regretted his unfortunate choosing.

He had a great many regrets on that day, too many to override the example of royal leadership he'd been trying to attain, not to mention his quest of responsibility that seemed more irresponsible than anything else now. His harsh exit was already a mistake in his mind, and he longed to turn back the day and start anew. He missed Kili and Bofur and all the dwarves, and even Bilbo in his own bumbling, not-to-be-trusted way. But most of all he missed Thorin, and he feared he had disappointed him yet again. 

Pity wasn't part of Fili's normal pattern of thought, and he blamed his rumbling belly and homesickness for his dip into remorse. He made another hasty decision at that moment, one he was sure was the correct path to take—he would backtrack at first light, meet up with the company and throw himself on the mercy of Thorin's bitter disappointment. He wasn't giving up on the love for his _One_ , nor was he letting Bilbo enter into territory he had no place being, but his pride was already wounded by his recklessness, and all he longed for was to make it right again. 

He had no food and no longer-ranged weapon with which to kill anything but squirrels and rodents, and the bottom line was that he hated to be alone. Kili always teased him about his propensity of not liking to be by himself for any length of time. He also always swore Fili was a lover not a fighter—perhaps his brother had been right in that respect, for once. But swallowing the last of his honor and self-respect was a small price to pay in order that he be with his loved ones again. 

Fili fell into an uneasy doze, one hand circling the precious knife in his pocket. A tiny smile curled his lips as his brother's smirk and Thorin's loving eyes occupied his mind while his belly still complained. He woke abruptly before the sun had started peeking through the trees as rough hands dragged him to his feet.

"Aye, he's the one we've been after. It seems luck has tossed him right at our feet."

"Are you sure it's him?"

"I don't see any other dwarves about and they usually run in packs, don't they?"

"That's orcs, you dimwit."

"All the same to me."

"Except this one is worth more coin than we'll be able to spend in a lifetime."

"Divided five ways, of course."

"Not if you don't shut up."

"Enough. Take off his hood so we can make sure it's him. I'm not dragging him through the woods if he's the wrong bloody dwarf."

Fili flinched back when hands gripped both sides of his head. He kept his eyes closed, his hand tightening around the knife. He felt the hands shove his hood back then gleeful laughter filled his ears.

"Golden as the mines of Erebor, or so I've been told. That's definitely him, the one they call heir apparent and say fucks his uncle. Disgraceful creatures."

"It's not like they have a lot of choice. He's better looking than any female dwarf I've ever seen. Can't blame the his uncle for sniffing between his legs."

Fili's rage broke through his resolve with haste and much power. He kicked out, making contact with at least one body, possibly two. As his eyes adjusted to the dim, he searched his surroundings quickly, mapping out any escape he might be lucky enough to find. There was none. Too many men and not enough space seemed the likely problem.

The back of his head made contact with the tree when a fist connected with his cheek. He struggled to get to his feet, stars swirling round his head, but another blow to the face followed closely by one to his belly, had him clutching his midsection and struggling for breath.

"They didn't say not to rough him up, only that they wanted the whole of his body and not just his head."

"Pity to mess up his face though."

"You have other plans for him, Will?"

"It's been a long winter in the road with only you blokes to keep me company. A man has needs, and I'd almost pay to yank on his hair while he squirmed under me at this point."

"No!" Fili growled and kicked out again, one more body feeling the sting of his wrath as someone grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to his feet. Another punch to his midsection had him doubled over before he even found his footing, then he was tossed as if lighter than a feather. He landed face first on the path he'd been so diligently following, a boot making contact with his ribs then the back of his head as other footsteps moved closer.

"Feisty one, ain't he? I've half a mind to take his head right now."

"Then that's all you'd have for sure, you half-wit—a headless body and bodiless head that no one will pay to take off our hands."

"Fine. If you're so bloody smart, what's the plan now then?"

Fili tried to concentrate on the voices but his ears rung with the blows to his head, and the agony of his body screamed louder than anything else around him. _Men._ He was sure about nothing else, except they were men and not dwarves or anything else. And there was five of then, a number far too great for him to even consider fighting his way out, not to mention he wasn't sure he could move at all.

"Where d'ya think the others are? Can't see them leaving their royal beauty to wander around by himself."

"They've already…gone." Fili dug deep for the words, the simple vibration sending shudders of pain to the entirety of his body. Another boot landed in his side, causing him to flip to his back. 

"Did we say you could speak, dwarf?"

Two faces hovered over Fili, almost bodiless heads floating in the midst of the slow fog that had wound its way around them. One was dark, the other fair, but they shared a common nose and dingy hue to their eyes. Fili tried to let their faces sink into his memory in case such information was needed later on. It was difficult though, with all his energy being spent on keeping himself from passing out. And that's exactly what he didn't want to do.

"The others," he hissed, sucking in a mouthful of air between each word. "They didn't want me along." He almost choked on a mouthful of blood but swallowed it as his belly lurched.

"What's your name? Durin?"

"I'm of the line."

"The golden heir, of course you are. We hear you like taking your uncle's cock, maybe we'll all give you a try."

"I think we should wait for the other one."

"The so-called king?"

"The old dwarves in the village said this one's worth more."

"I've heard tales of the king under the mountain. He's not one I wish to tangle with."

Fili risked rolling back to his side, curling his body in on itself while they bantered back and forth. He glided a hand along the leg of his trousers, slipping his fingers into first one boot then the other, grasping the throwing knives he kept hidden there. He slid both up his sleeve before transferring his hand to the underside of the hem of his coat. Two smaller knives were hidden beneath and after tucking them into his other sleeve, his fingers inched along the buttons of his coat. 

In total he counted seven small to medium knives that he secured away in his sleeves, plus the one tightly fisted in his free hand.

"I didn't mean that one. The younger prince, this one's brother. He's not golden, but I hear he's prettier and not as stocky. I'd like to give them both a go really."

"Leave him alone!" Fili roared. 

He was off the ground before his body had time to disagree, grabbing the lapels of the bastard who'd mentioned Kili and butting him hard with his head not once but twice before dizziness rocked his mind. The man flailed for a second then toppled over, his eyes closing as he landed flat on his back.

Fili fell to his knees. The exertion had taken his last bit of strength and now all he felt was pain and the need to pass out. He wasn't so lucky. A knife floated across his vision then a fiery bite of pain zipped across his cheek. He yelled in agony while warmth dripped in streams down his face.

"Stop damaging the merchandise, ya bloody idiot! Now tie his hands. He can walk until he passes out, then you blokes can carry him."

"Why do we—"

"I'm the one who secured the transaction so shut your bloody holes and do what I tell you. And none of you will touch the dwarf. Do I make myself clear?"

"What about Eli? He's still out cold."

"Leave him. Four ways is easier to figure out than five anyhow. And grab the dwarves pack and knives, we don't want to leave any evidence in case the others are behind him."

~*~*~

There was much confusion amongst the dwarves when it came to choosing the worn path or the woods. Half were convinced of one thing while the others insisted the latter. Thorin growled and gnashed his teeth when their voices became too much.

"Fili would stay to the path. He would consider both options, but go for the one that made more sense." 

Thorin turned to look at Kili. His youngest nephew had been silent during their quick-paced trek, but now he glowered at Thorin with the same intensity he'd shown in the cave.

"He'd prefer to go through the trees because he couldn't keep watch on the mountain the other way, but logic would propel him to stay on the path for the time being."

Thorin squinted at him as he shoved the tangled hair from his face. "Are you certain?"

"More so than the rest of your snipping at each other will bring. I do know him better than most, even better than you."

With an accepting nod, Thorin let Kili pass. His skin itched to take him in his arms, to apologize and promise he'd do better by Fili from that moment on. But as much as Kili claimed to know Fili, Thorin was sure he knew his youngest nephew's moods as well. And as for trying to make amends with him, it was certainly not the time.

It was Kili who spotted the knife by the side of the path, his head whipping from side to side as he surveyed the dim morning for signs of the owner.

"Fili keeps these in his boots and coat. Mother gave them to him on his last name day. If he's managed to toss one, there has to be more."

"Why would he deliberately throw away a knife—" Thorin's heart nearly stuttered to a stop. "By Durin, no! Spread out!" he yelled then in a hushed tone added, "Quietly. If they're close by, we mustn't give ourselves away."

"If who's close by? And how do you know he didn't just lose one?" Bilbo stepped up to Thorin's side, hands on his hips as he tipped his head back. "I know he's a fine lad but there's no evidence saying he's dropped into trouble. What if we're going off half-cocked for no reason? Won't that just make us lose time…I don't claim to understand this kinship nonsense, but don't you think one knife is going a little—"

"It's not nonsense! And I suggest you stop talking now, Mr. Baggins." Thorin's voice was even lower than usual, the tone vibrating through him like the sting of a bee.

"You seem different. Is there something you want to tell us, Thorin?" Kili held out the knife, his face a mask of worry. "Why are you suddenly so sure that he needs saving?"

Thorin took the knife, holding it in his palm before pressing it to his chest. "Because I feel him. I feel his pain and his fear…inside my heart as if it's my own."


	16. Author's note - not a real chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that this isn't a real chapter but I wanted to let everyone know that this story is not finished and I haven't given up on it. Real life has thrown me for a loop and I've been forced to take an even longer break than I'd expected.
> 
> I understand this is a lame excuse, but it's not so much an excuse as a necessity. Again, my apologies, and please consider Fili as safe for the moment. I'll be back as soon as I can.
> 
> Sincerely,  
> Chaotic Heart

Please see author's notes.


End file.
